”I don't want anybody else
When I think about you I touch myself.”
-Divinyls
I'm not the kind of guy who'll look down his nose at anyone who plays porn games. If you get off on seeing a pair of blocky 8-bit breasts, whatever. That's your thing. Just the same, I can't think of a single porno game (and this is not including hentai games) that I would warrant a score above a 2. Girls They Want to Have Fun is no exception, and I think it shows exactly what's wrong with porno games in the first place.
I could take the easy route and say, “This game is terrible because it's a porno game. Duh! Case closed!” But what's the fun in that?
Girls's only innovation is that it introduces a new kind of video game hero in the form of a body part. You play a woman's right hand and guide it in its quest to help its owner have fun. All you do is move said hand in a circle around a black forested area to the south of the woman and the game magically ends. She's had her fun, but the question is have you? Once this task is complete, that's it. There are no other “fun” exercises to undertake, no other levels, no other mini-games. I could write a walkthrough for this game right here and now.
After the game begins, move the joystick around in a circle. Do this for about twenty seconds. Congratulations, you've finished Girls They Want to Have Fun.
Porno fans of the bygone era probably paid good money for this game. They probably skipped an issue of Hustler or Penthouse to gawk at a pair of over-sized melons built of pixels. And that's the only screen you get aside from the title. I can only imagine that all of the folks who spent any amount of money on this game kicked themselves afterward.
Aren't games meant to last for at least a short while so we can enjoy the experience, be it the thrill of adventure, the intensity of action, or the eroticism of porno? Most games have multiple levels, multiple objectives, varied gameplay, etc., anything to make the experience last. However, most porno games are a short ride and then they're over. It's not that these games don't have the space or that there aren't developers who have the know-how, it's that porno game developers of that era thrived on disappointment. They did the barest minimum to appease a small niche, and couldn't even appease that niche.
It's arguable as to whether or not Girls is even a game. You only perform one action, it lasts twenty seconds, and that's it. I'm not a fan of porno games, but I think any actual fan would want much more than just a single screen and something they can see in any standard porno mag. Girls doesn't offer any real fun, and it's barely a game. It's just a masturbation simulator.
I'm sure Cyndi Lauper would beam with pride knowing her lyrics went to such a great use.
