For three years now, I’ve had this idea in the back of my deliciously inky-black mind that I wanted to do a weekly mini-rant on things I hate. I hate many things, I’m often told, so the source material should be inexhaustible. However THE PLAN often has this one flaw in it; I want to do it so that I get a new one every week and because something always happens at the start of the year, the process is cracked, and I wait for the next cycle to start.
NO MORE! I’m not writing at the pace nor levels that I have been for at least a decade, and so this excuse will hold no water. I have shot the excuse full of holes -- using manly mind bullets, and now excuse is leaking all over my track shoes.
I WILL have 52 of these up by 2011. Mark my words -- for I am EmP.
EmP Hates:
First-Time Parents. There’s nothing less attractive in this world (aside from Harry Redknapp) than a new born baby, and this is indisputable fact, but New Parents like to parade their first born around like it’s some exotic blend of Kate Beckinsale and toffee vodka. BUT! What you get is some kind of lumpy misshapen mutant with a gormless expression and a overpowering odour of vomit and crap. Mainly because the odd little monster’s only real function is to produce both substances with alarming focus.
But the hideous kids are not the focus of my ire. They can’t help being toady, creepy sacks of barely human-shaped flesh. It’s the beaming parents who insist they’re soggy piles of dribbling perfection, and caw and coo as they drool all over my things. Is my DS made for gumming? No, it is not.
But what annoys me the most is how, when you go to their house and they parade the kid around for a few hours, then they want to show you photos. I don’t need to see photos -- your ugly brat is only a few feet away. I can see it. Having four hundred photos depicting it in completely identical stages of sleep is completely unnecessary when the real thing is being gently urged towards a bare electric socket with a damp fork placed gently in its mouth.
First time parents, my name is EmP. And I hate you.
honestgamer Staff Mar 5, 2010
EmP Blogger Mar 5, 2010
MINI HATE: HTML.
jerec Mar 5, 2010
honestgamer Staff Mar 5, 2010
WilltheGreat Mar 5, 2010
Keep in mind I'd be happy to do all your HTMLing for you to ensure it's done properly, as a personal favor to my favorite englishman. I'd even lower my hourly rate to $10 just for you.
zippdementia Mar 5, 2010
I'm dead serious.
darketernal Mar 5, 2010
Also, Kate Beckinsale lost all of her goodness points by appearing in what is quite possibly one of the worst movies of the decade, Whiteout.
eviltb Mar 6, 2010
darketernal Mar 6, 2010
dementedhut Mar 6, 2010
Venter, shut it down.
zippdementia Mar 6, 2010
jerec Mar 6, 2010
EmP Blogger Mar 6, 2010
Zipp: I find it unlikely there’ll be too much interest in this outside of the people who already know my exaggerated sense of over branching hatred. If this somehow proves popular, then I hope it in some way helps the site.
Eviltb: You, of course, are quite correct; I do not have kids of my own. The authorities often insist that my right to breed is revoked. Should that day finally arrive, though, I’ve little doubt I’ll become that which I’ve just lampooned. But I certainly hope I’ll keep my sense of humour about the situation.
zippdementia Mar 6, 2010
Never hurts to try.
EmP Blogger Mar 7, 2010
wolfqueen001 Mar 10, 2010
I do agree about the parents thing, though. But for slightly different reasons. I hate first time parents because most first time parents are way to young to have had children when they did and so have no idea what they're even doing nor likely any way to properly care for them. The constant cooing over the child isn't an object of my hate, though I do admit that I'd likely find it annoying once it stops being cute. Of course, I speak from a third person perspective as well, so I fully expect these sentiments to change if I ever have kids of my own.