Good review, Emp. I found a few things though, that you might want to look at.
I think it might work better if you name the kids when you first mention them as a pair, as their names, when dropped one at a time later on felt a bit jarring to me. But then, I'm exhausted and whatever the opposite of sharp is, right now.
Also, there's this:
This makes her understandably untrusting of the weird boy and his instances that he both knows her and that she should follow his lead through a gallery of death traps...
"Instances" should be "insistence," I believe.
Anyway, nice work and on to the next one.
I think it might work better if you name the kids when you first mention them as a pair, as their names, when dropped one at a time later on felt a bit jarring to me. But then, I'm exhausted and whatever the opposite of sharp is, right now.
Also, there's this:
This makes her understandably untrusting of the weird boy and his instances that he both knows her and that she should follow his lead through a gallery of death traps...
"Instances" should be "insistence," I believe.
Anyway, nice work and on to the next one.
I don't have to prove I'm refined - that's what makes me refined!
