I'd like to talk about something that's been on my mind for a while. It's a touchy subject, very near and dear. Everyone's experienced it. Everyone's felt the pain. It's something we deal with all the time.

PEOPLE TALKING IN THEATRES.

Now, don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with a word or two exchanged between people in the middle of a movie. Whispering. Maybe a giggle. Not too loud. But when you hold a full-fledged conversation in the movie theater, when you're jumping around like a monkey and making noises that match, THEN you're crossing lines.

For instance, take the time I went to Superman Returns, not too long ago. Movie's barely started. I'm with my entire family, very psyched to see this. The really cool intro begins with the planets flying by and stuff, right after krypton blows up.

This fool behind me says "It's going to supernova!"

First off, I'm 99% sure that planets - even fictional ones - do not supernova. Second off, nobody gives a crap. Nobody likes a Captain Obvious. And, to make matters worse, he spent the next three hours spouting out some weird nerd fact about Superman every five minutes, most of which were not even true.

The only thing worse than talking in a theater? Talking about things that are blantantly obvious. For instance, when I went to see Snakes of a Plane last week...

"OHMYGOD HE GOT EATED BY A SNAKE!"
"HA THAT FOOL GOT BIT IN HIS DICK!"
"HE THREW THE DOG! HE THREW THE DOG!"

The screen is what? Thirty feet tall? Something like that. Everyone can see what you're seeing. There's no need for commentary.

So, please, don't talk in movie theaters. And if you see people talking, tell them to shut up. And if they don't, beat them up outside or something.