Man, I remember reading this so many years back, when everyone was still on GameFAQs and HG was like a Homestead site or something. I think it was in the first or second Alpha contest. It's still amazing, kinda makes me want to try writing something again. You're an inspiration.
zigfried's Hokuto no Ken: Seiki Matsukyu Seishi Densetsu (Import) review
Still one of the worst reviews I've ever read, and that's coming from a man who's suffered through both Stuart Campbell's review of Metal Slug 3 and Tim Rogers' review of God Hand.
If at first you don't succeed, give up. Don't make a damn fool of yourself.
I've occasionally thought about updating it (mainly to cut out huge chunks), but I'd hate to break a 90-month record! Just be glad I never got around to reviewing Dead or Alive 2.
Here's a snippet of the review that never was:
People like to talk about the girls' breasts. That's not what Dead or Alive 2 is about. No, this game is about the compelling backstories that drive each character towards his or her ultimate goal. For Leon, that goal is to obtain the flower that accompanies the title of "world's strongest".
Unbeknownst to Leon, he's in way over his head. {insert 3 sentences of filler here}
Which is the stronger power? Leon, who seeks self-validation? Ayane, who fights for spite and power? Ryu Hayabusa, fighting to protect those he loves? Or Ein, who fights without purpose?
In the original Dead or Alive, Kasumi -- the future leader of Tenjin-Mon Kasumi -- was kidnapped. She escaped and returned to her clan, only to find her brother Hayate had vanished. In his absence, Kasumi was ordained as leader, but she placed familial piety above duty and ran away to find her brother. Sadly -- tragically! -- after becoming a runaway ninja, one is hunted for life. Kasumi left to rescue her brother, even though he'd be honor-bound to kill her for her kindness. She placed his future above her own.
Ayane's story tells of the inner torment of a girl who has achieved material success, yet lacks the familial support and emotional nourishment of her rival (and half-sister). For abandoning that beautiful life, a life that Ayane so desperately craves, this lonely ninja has vowed to slay Kasumi.
Eventually I would have gotten around to equating elegance with smooth game flow, destructible environments with brutal combat, etc etc.
Sho's comments on the above: "Let me see if I understand this. The man given the title of "World's Strongest" gets a flower. A flower. Makes perfect sense."
//Zig
Here's a snippet of the review that never was:
People like to talk about the girls' breasts. That's not what Dead or Alive 2 is about. No, this game is about the compelling backstories that drive each character towards his or her ultimate goal. For Leon, that goal is to obtain the flower that accompanies the title of "world's strongest".
Unbeknownst to Leon, he's in way over his head. {insert 3 sentences of filler here}
Which is the stronger power? Leon, who seeks self-validation? Ayane, who fights for spite and power? Ryu Hayabusa, fighting to protect those he loves? Or Ein, who fights without purpose?
In the original Dead or Alive, Kasumi -- the future leader of Tenjin-Mon Kasumi -- was kidnapped. She escaped and returned to her clan, only to find her brother Hayate had vanished. In his absence, Kasumi was ordained as leader, but she placed familial piety above duty and ran away to find her brother. Sadly -- tragically! -- after becoming a runaway ninja, one is hunted for life. Kasumi left to rescue her brother, even though he'd be honor-bound to kill her for her kindness. She placed his future above her own.
Ayane's story tells of the inner torment of a girl who has achieved material success, yet lacks the familial support and emotional nourishment of her rival (and half-sister). For abandoning that beautiful life, a life that Ayane so desperately craves, this lonely ninja has vowed to slay Kasumi.
Eventually I would have gotten around to equating elegance with smooth game flow, destructible environments with brutal combat, etc etc.
Sho's comments on the above: "Let me see if I understand this. The man given the title of "World's Strongest" gets a flower. A flower. Makes perfect sense."
//Zig
In your defense, the review did sound a whole lot better before I actually hunted down a copy of the game for myself and found out that you were more or less lying through your teeth about the game being any fun to play.
What? Me, bitter?
What? Me, bitter?
If at first you don't succeed, give up. Don't make a damn fool of yourself.
There's a shocker. You actually found a game that you didn't enjoy playing?
"Too often we enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought." - John F. Kennedy on reality
"What if everything you see is more than what you see--the person next to you is a warrior and the space that appears empty is a secret door to another world? What if something appears that shouldn't? You either dismiss it, or you accept that there is much more to the world than you think. Perhaps it really is a doorway, and if you choose to go inside, you'll find many unexpected things." - Shigeru Miyamoto on secret doors to another world
"What if everything you see is more than what you see--the person next to you is a warrior and the space that appears empty is a secret door to another world? What if something appears that shouldn't? You either dismiss it, or you accept that there is much more to the world than you think. Perhaps it really is a doorway, and if you choose to go inside, you'll find many unexpected things." - Shigeru Miyamoto on secret doors to another world
What can I say? Shallow, repetive brawling punctuated by shallow, repetive boss fights just doesn't do it for me.
If at first you don't succeed, give up. Don't make a damn fool of yourself.
^ Repetitive brawling, I meant.
If at first you don't succeed, give up. Don't make a damn fool of yourself.
Sounds like a genre to avoid, then, unless you can think of a few games within that genre that you've enjoyed? I'd be interested to hear them, if so. How does it compare to God Hand, for instance?
"Too often we enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought." - John F. Kennedy on reality
"What if everything you see is more than what you see--the person next to you is a warrior and the space that appears empty is a secret door to another world? What if something appears that shouldn't? You either dismiss it, or you accept that there is much more to the world than you think. Perhaps it really is a doorway, and if you choose to go inside, you'll find many unexpected things." - Shigeru Miyamoto on secret doors to another world
"What if everything you see is more than what you see--the person next to you is a warrior and the space that appears empty is a secret door to another world? What if something appears that shouldn't? You either dismiss it, or you accept that there is much more to the world than you think. Perhaps it really is a doorway, and if you choose to go inside, you'll find many unexpected things." - Shigeru Miyamoto on secret doors to another world
How does it compare to God Hand, for instance?
While I found both of them to be pretty disappointing, God Hand was by far the bigger letdown- but perhaps that's Christian Mccrea's fault, whoever he is.
Alternatively, maybe it's my fault for reading that entire obscene thing and not being immediately and thoroughly convinced that it was a joke.
While I found both of them to be pretty disappointing, God Hand was by far the bigger letdown- but perhaps that's Christian Mccrea's fault, whoever he is.
Alternatively, maybe it's my fault for reading that entire obscene thing and not being immediately and thoroughly convinced that it was a joke.
If at first you don't succeed, give up. Don't make a damn fool of yourself.
I can't speak for Hokuto no Ken, but God Hand is certainly not shallow.
The best summation of God Hand's problems that I've ever read was posted by some guy over on the World of Stuart forums a couple of years ago. He says it a lot better than I ever could:
http://s2.zetaboards.com/worldofstuart/single/?p=105876&t=814749
I'm deeply saddened to report that I'm not going to be buying God Hand after all. It's now the first recorded case of an incubation period in Capcomitis. I love nearly everything about it, really. The videogaminess is great, the exposed mechanics (for once) are great, the camera's great, the moves are great, the dodging's really great, the enemies are great, the humour's great. (Anything that can have me laughing at a spanking embarrassment attack without feeling like a chauvinist is doing something very special.)
But this game, more than any other in history, is about silly fighting, and it turns out the fighting's not great at all. I've played it for hours and hours and hours, and I keep going back to the beginning to see how badly I can destroy the first few cannon fodder. I really admire any game that has the guts to give the player all his tools from the start, and this is the acid test. In Devil May Cry, for example, playing a few levels in and then restarting leaves you practically dancing with the early levels, juggling the foes with chains of devastating combos as you read their pathetic lives out to the end. Here, I couldn't feel any difference. In desperation, I hit up Youtube for speedruns and tactical videos. Imagine my horror upon finding out that what I thought were naive, clumsy beginner's tactics were actually quite close to optimal. You just can't actually do anything quickly in this game without dishing out a Reel or a God Hand. I suppose I could play it using those to the fullest extent possible, but that feels really wrong.
My big fundamental complaints about the game are, ironically for such a cheesy title, square in the gameplay. First, there are big holes in the fighting system. Juggling doesn't work and actually seems half-implemented. Ground attacks are limited and don't work. Staggering is unpredictable and usually doesn't work. Parries barely exist. Minibosses don't work. Second, everything is just plain too durable. Earlier I complained that the demon minibosses needed to have about 1/3 the hitpoints that they do. After further play, I'd broaden that to everything in the game, including Gene. Attacks are way underpowered all around, and you usually wind up repeating an algorithm at least twice for every enemy except the last in an area. The most damning indictment I can make here is that when I experimentally started viewing it as an RPG grind, I suddenly did much better. This should not, must not be a game about conservative, chipping play. It's supposed to be about leaping into the middle of a crowd and beating your way out. Unfortunately the best metaphor I can see is that they took that joyous, hardcore videogame concept and then put a restrictor plate in it. The result is slow, grindy and boring. The reasons for its poorer scores are all wrong, but if you ask me the scores themselves are deserved.
http://s2.zetaboards.com/worldofstuart/single/?p=105876&t=814749
I'm deeply saddened to report that I'm not going to be buying God Hand after all. It's now the first recorded case of an incubation period in Capcomitis. I love nearly everything about it, really. The videogaminess is great, the exposed mechanics (for once) are great, the camera's great, the moves are great, the dodging's really great, the enemies are great, the humour's great. (Anything that can have me laughing at a spanking embarrassment attack without feeling like a chauvinist is doing something very special.)
But this game, more than any other in history, is about silly fighting, and it turns out the fighting's not great at all. I've played it for hours and hours and hours, and I keep going back to the beginning to see how badly I can destroy the first few cannon fodder. I really admire any game that has the guts to give the player all his tools from the start, and this is the acid test. In Devil May Cry, for example, playing a few levels in and then restarting leaves you practically dancing with the early levels, juggling the foes with chains of devastating combos as you read their pathetic lives out to the end. Here, I couldn't feel any difference. In desperation, I hit up Youtube for speedruns and tactical videos. Imagine my horror upon finding out that what I thought were naive, clumsy beginner's tactics were actually quite close to optimal. You just can't actually do anything quickly in this game without dishing out a Reel or a God Hand. I suppose I could play it using those to the fullest extent possible, but that feels really wrong.
My big fundamental complaints about the game are, ironically for such a cheesy title, square in the gameplay. First, there are big holes in the fighting system. Juggling doesn't work and actually seems half-implemented. Ground attacks are limited and don't work. Staggering is unpredictable and usually doesn't work. Parries barely exist. Minibosses don't work. Second, everything is just plain too durable. Earlier I complained that the demon minibosses needed to have about 1/3 the hitpoints that they do. After further play, I'd broaden that to everything in the game, including Gene. Attacks are way underpowered all around, and you usually wind up repeating an algorithm at least twice for every enemy except the last in an area. The most damning indictment I can make here is that when I experimentally started viewing it as an RPG grind, I suddenly did much better. This should not, must not be a game about conservative, chipping play. It's supposed to be about leaping into the middle of a crowd and beating your way out. Unfortunately the best metaphor I can see is that they took that joyous, hardcore videogame concept and then put a restrictor plate in it. The result is slow, grindy and boring. The reasons for its poorer scores are all wrong, but if you ask me the scores themselves are deserved.
If at first you don't succeed, give up. Don't make a damn fool of yourself.
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