Very funny review. I enjoyed the disclaimer and description of bizarre, hilarious deaths.
But I believe that CastleQuest actually a decent game, if you like puzzlers. The maze is interesting to look through, if you like mazes, and there's more than one way through. But the controls are certainly horrendous, there are stupid delays with those dumb elevators and such, and just reading your review gave me a flashback to the sound effects.
I do think a big problem with the game was that it does rely on finding that first green key, but on the other hand, how many times have we played an RPG where there's a cool area we see right away but can't reach? Maybe you need the right mindset to have the patience to find a green key to open the green door. Though, ironically, opening that green door at the start is a horrendous move.
Once you get beyond the controls, you won't die nearly as frequently, though, and you can open up some legitimately interesting puzzles. I remember a discussion with Masters about how we each found the other's genre horridly impossible(me puzzlers, him shooters) and something along the same line happened here. For me, puzzlers with mediocre controls are okay if you don't mind optimizing your controls as part of the puzzle.
In Castlequest's case, I think you have to be interested in various things such as how to get the map just above where you start, which you can't jump to immediately. Figuring how to drop in on it was a nice first challenge.
So, I laughed at a lot of stuff that I'd put aside as stuff I can figure by trial and error, but I may rewrite my current review and post to GameFAQs in response to the 1/10, because I feel CQ is at least a 3 or 4. Maybe even a 5!
However, I don't blame anyone for being impatient enough to assign it a 1. As an original game in a cartridge, and without save states, it would be an exasperating abomination where controls got in the way of puzzles.
My principal said, 'Emo, Emo, Emo.'
I said 'I'm the one in the middle, you lousy drunk!'
-- Emo Phillips