Joe Presents: Random Thoughts on the Games I Reviewed This Year
January 01, 2016
|And some movies I watched, too.|
Road Not Taken (PC)
"I think there's a reason this road isn't taken." (the reason is repetition)
"I hate this game! I love this game. I'm mildly irritated by this game. But I enjoy it. No wait, I'm apathetic to it.
Gamera: Daikaiju Kuchuu Kessen (Game Boy)
"This is why not every genre should have a turn-based oounterpart."
"Not sure if I suck or this game is just very hard to control. No wait, this game sucks!"
Bermuda Triangle (Atari 2600)
"Well whaddya know... A game for 2600 that I haven't played that actually rocks. And it's a shmup, no less!"
"Level 1... Level 50... Level 148... They're all the same..."
Crossbow (Atari 2600)
"Why would anyone in their right mind release a light gun game on a system that doesn't have a light gun?"
BC Racers (32X)
"Oh Chuck, what have they done to you?"
Space Panic (Colecovision)
"Oh, thank goodness. It isn't me, Aquattack just sucked. This game is a bit of hell yeah."
Albedo: Eyes from Outer Space (PC)
"Where are Joel and the 'Bots?"
WWF Raw (32X)
"I should just give in and review Madden '94 next. It's not like anyone else is going to..."
Flappy Bird (Android)
"This is wasting valuable phone space."
Demon's Souls (PlayStation 3)
"I should totally reference Pantera when I write the review for this."
Toren (PlayStation 4)
"Every time I tell someone that not all indie games are pretentious, a game like this pops up..."
Blood Omen: Legacy of Kain (PlayStation)
"Dear friend, you haven't aged well..."
Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver (PlayStation)
"...but you aged very well!"
Injustice: Gods Among Us - Ultimate Edition (PlayStation 4)
"Supes, this more than makes up for that horrible Nintendo 64 game. It's nice to play a DC title that doesn't leave you pining for a shower."
"Go Team Zaxxon!!!"
Cast of the Seven Godsends (PC)
"I usually like hard games, so why is this one failing to impress me?"
Eyes: The Horror Game (Android)
"Eyes: The Slender Ripoff"
"Meh, DX-Ball was better."
Odallus: The Dark Call (PC)
"I was meant to play this game. This is destiny."
Horror Island (Android)
"More like Pointless Sandbar..."
Godzilla (PlayStation 4)
"Oh my god, how many buildings do I have to smash?"
Daemon Detective Gaiden (PC)
"This is like every platformer I've ever played......and I love it!"
Fruit Ninja (Android)
"They should offer a free bottle of Windex with each download."
Dark Souls (PlayStation 3)
"Destiny once again..."
Dark Souls: Artorias of the Abyss
"Okay, so how do I get this thing started? Holy crap, scary dragon! My pants are wet! My pants are wet!"
Onikira: Demon Killer (PC)
"This game is great......ly glitchy."
Dolphin (Atari 2600)
"It's like someone had a bunch of random ideas and didn't know how to effectively mix them."
Cross of the Dutchman (PC)
"My name is Pier Donia. You will kill-uh my family. Prepare to die!"
Shaq Fu (Game Boy)
"Is it bad that I'm disappointed that this game isn't worse?"
Dark Meadow: The Pact (Android)
"Why is this called 'Dark Meadow' when the whole thing transpires in a building?"
Enduro (Atari 2600)
"This is like a 'Caught in Traffic Simulator.' Oh, I'm totally using that in my review!"
Dark Souls II: Scholar of the First Sin (PlayStation 4)
"Note to future developers: immense tundras that take over half an hour to traverse because they're obscured by blizzards are not good design choices."
Risen 2: Dark Waters (PC)
"Where were all of the guns in the first game?"
The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle and Friends (NES)
"Well, I can't say I'm surprised this game is abysmal."
"Mark Duplass, you are one scary man."
Puppet Master 5
"Charles Band must've been like, 'God, we don't have a script ready. Fuck it, let's just film puppets doing things.'"
Avengers: Age of Ultron
"This is more like 'Minor Inconvenience of Ultron.'"
"Oh my god, my 'nads are tingling like a sudden downhill drop..."
Mad Max: Fury Road
"BODY. CAN'T. HANDLE. ALL. OF. THIS. AWESOMENESSSSSSSS."
The Taking of Deborah Logan
"Yeah, we get it. She's possessed. Can we get on with it?" (I really liked it otherwise)
"These creature effects are awesome. Too bad I can't say the same about the script and acting."