Reviews by johnny_cairo, page 2

Ganryu review

The infuriatingly generic Ganryu manages to disappoint on every level. At its very core, one can only assume it is meant to be a nostalgic throwback to the 2D side scrolling ninja slice-a-thons of yore. Despite being made in 1999, it plays…

johnny_cairo · May 5, 2007

Reader NeoGeo HG exclusive

Sengoku 2 review

By the leather of my bootstraps, they've gone out and done it. SNK has made the first game totally according to surrealist principles, and if it were done today, John Romero would more or less be involved. It's never too late to drop the…

johnny_cairo · April 8, 2007

Reader NES Review of the Week HG exclusive

Golgo 13: Top Secret Episode review

You gotta love Duke Togo. As the stylishly attired and jaded looking spook meets his female handler in an airport lounge, she introduces herself as "Maria Lovelette" and we can only imagine her flirtatious giggle when Togo replies with an…

johnny_cairo · March 29, 2007

Reader PC Review of the Week HG exclusive

Doom II: Hell on Earth review

The Space Marines were never trained to battle the endless streams of hellspawn pouring through the interdimensional rift inside their Mars base. Doom told of exactly that. You're the last one, the very last Space Marine standing between…

johnny_cairo · March 6, 2006

Reader PC Review of the Week HG exclusive

Sword of the Samurai review

The coward Kobayashi trembled at the sight of my gleaming blade. What's more, I told him, flat out to his face, that he was a pathetic wretch descended from a long line of dung haulers. A prouder samurai would not take such an obvious…

johnny_cairo · March 2, 2006

Reader PC HG exclusive

JFK Reloaded review

Here's a buzzphrase we are all familiar with: "Murder Simulator". Remember all the political hubbub and the general brouhaha surrounding video games in America's tender Post-Columbine period? This phrase in particular was thrown around…

johnny_cairo · February 4, 2006

Reader Arcade Review of the Week HG exclusive

Time Crisis II review

They try to tell us in school that you can get a lot higher without drugs than with them. After my stint hanging out with the LSD-heads, sometimes stooping so low as to snort the gas from a Reddy Whip aerosol can, I can now confidently…

johnny_cairo · June 11, 2005

Reader Mac HG exclusive

Max Payne review

The pallid light bursting from my Macintosh was the only thing my burning eyes were registering at this ungodly hour. It was 4 AM. This time belonged to the street urchins, the disease flowing through the bloodstream of this audibly dying…

johnny_cairo · May 21, 2005

Reader Arcade HG exclusive

Warrior Blade: Rastan Saga Episode III review

If this game were content to be called, unremarkably, Warrior Blade, it would not annoy me nearly as much. As it stands, the full name of this unremarkable beat-em-up is Warrior Blade: Rastan Saga Episode III, allegedly part of a trilogy…

johnny_cairo · April 29, 2005

Reader PlayStation HG exclusive

Driver review

Being an undercover cop sounds to me like a kind of mental torture, where I am always constantly paranoid that my identity shall be exposed at any moment and inspire the wrath of several Mr. Blonde types with Brooklyn accents, begging the…

johnny_cairo · April 23, 2005

Reader PlayStation 2 Review of the Week HG exclusive

Manhunt review

Death would have been a luxury for James Earl Cash, considering the hellish situation he was soon plunged into following his execution. He was a convict on Death Row, but that was so long ago, it hardly seemed necessary going into his…

johnny_cairo · March 12, 2005

Reader NES HG exclusive

Color a Dinosaur review

Hi there, it's me, the grumpy old veteran gamer, using another medium to express my hatred towards the state of games post-1983. You know me, I'm the guy who goes to Goodwill when he wants a new game. I am wired on Vicodin during the day…

johnny_cairo · February 20, 2005

Reader Mac HG exclusive

Blood Bath review

If he had known it was going to be the last day of his life, Norbert Fitzsimmons wouldn't have gotten out of bed. On the way to his dead-end job at the State Institution for the Criminally Mentally Retarded, he pondered working on getting…

johnny_cairo · February 13, 2005

Reader PlayStation

Medal of Honor review

A scant few games offer you the chance to actually step into the ragged, crusty, filth-stained boots of a soldier and plunge directly into the heat of combat during the grittiest of them all: World War II. Sure, you have your Close Combat…

johnny_cairo · September 4, 2003