Reviews by johnny_cairo
34 reviews · showing 1–20
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Reader Xbox 360 HG exclusive
Fallout 3 review
War. War never changes. Neither does the opening of a Fallout game, and may a hellstorm of nuclear warheads rain down on anyone who isn't familiar with this ridiculously epic post-apocalyptic RPG series. Just minutes after your virtual…
johnny_cairo · December 30, 2008
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Reader PlayStation 2 HG exclusive
Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty review
The agonizing ride on the blue-ball express known as Metal Gear Solid is but a mere leg of the epic, despair-inducing journey of Metal Gear Solid 2. To be fair, MGS at least had an intelligible storyline and characters who did not randomly…
johnny_cairo · July 27, 2008
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Reader Xbox 360 Review of the Week HG exclusive
Assassin's Creed review
At long last, a medieval Grand Theft Auto crossed with Virtuosity with a whole lot of Hashishism and no small amount of heinous Arabic stereotypes. To be fair, Ubisoft Montreal consists of many people of differing beliefs and opinions, so…
johnny_cairo · February 20, 2008
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Reader NES HG exclusive
Yo! Noid review
The mammal Gynomus dominae, referred to in American vernacular as a "Noid", dwells underground in densely populated urban areas and can be considered humanoid without sharing any genetic traits with the Homo sapien. Omnivorous, the Noid…
johnny_cairo · December 21, 2007
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Reader PC HG exclusive
No One Lives Forever review
Austin Powers might have been responsible for some good things, such as No One Lives Forever, a unique FPS that took the kitschy 60s aesthetic and blue humor and went for broke. After the dippy opening credits, complete with psychedelic…
johnny_cairo · November 4, 2007
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Reader Mac HG exclusive
Pathways Into Darkness review
Bungie came from humble beginnings, debuting with a Pong clone in 1985, maturing in 1993 with Pathways Into Darkness, a rather grim RPG/Adventure hybrid featuring graphics rendered from a first-person POV. Technically it was their first…
johnny_cairo · August 24, 2007
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Reader PC Review of the Week HG exclusive
Achtung! Spitfire review
Avalon Hill's Achtung! Spitfire is a rare game in more than one way. The world-reknowned board game publisher, having produced excellent offerings ranging from a simulation of the airline business to art thievery, came up with this…
johnny_cairo · August 15, 2007
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Reader Genesis HG exclusive
Barney's Hide and Seek review
Barney is enough to convince most people that dinosaurs went extinct for a very good reason. This pacifistic mass of purple and green foam was invented solely to entertain developing children not yet sophisticated enough to speak or eat…
johnny_cairo · July 31, 2007
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Reader PlayStation 2 HG exclusive
Medal of Honor: Frontline review
For the love of Goebbels, EA, I get it already. Saving Private Ryan was a milestone in film. This does not make it a template for all your subsequent World War II games to follow to the letter. What else should we attribute the big, loud…
johnny_cairo · July 25, 2007
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Reader PlayStation HG exclusive
Medal of Honor Underground review
May 1940. Hitler has moved his Nazi war machine into France after a hasty surrender. Flanked by Goebbels, they watch gleefully as a formation of SS goose-steps down the Champs-Élysées. The Arc de Triomphe looms in the background. Standing…
johnny_cairo · July 25, 2007
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Reader Game Boy Color HG exclusive
Metal Gear Solid review
Treating Metal Gear Solid as an unchangable work of art probably wasn't the most intelligent thing Konami could have done with this 8-bit re-imagining. Its story is almost an exact retelling only with different character names and a less…
johnny_cairo · July 16, 2007
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Reader PlayStation HG exclusive
Syphon Filter review
In the spring of 1999, following the milky virtual explosion known as Metal Gear Solid, Sony had their precisely engineered follow-up with a similarly nonsensical title: Syphon Filter. Part Tomb Raider, part GoldenEye, wholly derivative; a…
johnny_cairo · July 14, 2007
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Reader PlayStation HG exclusive
Metal Gear Solid review
This alleged PSX "classic" has been ravaged by the years, made totally irrelevant in less than a decade. Even when Metal Gear Solid first hit, consensus was it was "too easy" and contained "too little gameplay"; even though either of those…
johnny_cairo · July 6, 2007
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Reader PlayStation HG exclusive
Final Fantasy Tactics review
It is hard to remember any games that rival Final Fantasy Tactics in longevity, depth, and dare I say beauty. Obviously this is nothing more than a piece of software, but it is a pure fusion of RPG and strategy, combining the best aspects…
johnny_cairo · July 3, 2007
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Reader Genesis HG exclusive
Time Killers review
The foulness of Time Killers is legendary, but only in the form of its woefully belated Genesis port. The version which hit arcades in 1992 was a direct and pretty sleazy response to Mortal Kombat; Strata's only strategy was to feature…
johnny_cairo · June 30, 2007
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Reader TurboGrafx-16
Coryoon review
Shooters are often characterised as incredibly hard, intense games so it's only natural that someone in Japan had the brilliant idea of making a pure shooter aimed squarely at kids. Behold Coryoon: Child of Dragon, the garishly cute…
johnny_cairo · June 22, 2007
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Reader Genesis HG exclusive
F-15 Strike Eagle II review
The Cold War is over, America having triumphed over the hypothetical Russian threat. Our military technology won out over what the Communists tried to call an "air force". As a downside to that, lots of cheap USSR military surplus became…
johnny_cairo · June 20, 2007
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Reader Xbox 360 Review of the Week HG exclusive
Gears of War review
Upon its explosive debut on Microsoft's next-gen console, Gears of War was almost universally lauded as a classic of its genre, the "killer app" for the 360. Its lineage is certainly impressive, with Epic having previously done the…
johnny_cairo · June 3, 2007
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Reader NES HG exclusive
The Punisher review
"A hitman is just another fighter waiting for The Punisher's knockout punch," says the titular hero, strangely referring to himself in the third person like one of his many eccentric nemises. This would seem to indicate right away that…
johnny_cairo · May 27, 2007
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Reader Xbox 360 Review of the Week HG exclusive
The History Channel: Civil War - A Nation Divided review
During the rare occasions when the History Channel isn't airing something related to Nazis, they will cover this dark chapter in our nation's formative years. The Civil War! A conflict waged by men able to fire muskets accurately from…
johnny_cairo · May 16, 2007
