Xargon: The Mystery of the Blue Builders (PC) review

Ah the good old days, when games didn't have to have titles that made sense... or settings that made sense... or decipherable sprites. Yes, the days when floppy discs doubled as coasters after installation, and the days when a single megabyte seemed to hold more processing power than a program could ever use. These were the days of XARGON!

Xargon was a fairly generic side scroller by Epic Games, the same people that brought us Jazz jackrabbit and Jill of the Jungle (all three parts). Oh, and also ZZT (for those of you old enough to remember) and a little thing called The Unreal Engine (for those who don't remember ZZT). Let me tell you straight away that Xargon is definitely the lesser of all these products.

It's always difficult to write compelling reviews of old games. Unless they were either truly landmarks (Chrono Trigger, Sim City, Mario Brothers) or remarkably bad (Milon's Secret Castle, Custer's Revenge), the review usually ends up being a sort've "meh, it was good for the times." Of course, that describes Xargon perfectly. But then, 1993 wasn't the best year for games. The market was somewhat starved, so we were willing to take what came to us. I'll say this: though it's freeware today, there is absolutely no reason for you to download Xargon. If you're absolutely dying to play a game of its style, try out Jill of the Jungle or Jazz the Jackrabbit. Both are infinitely more exciting.

If you do decide that you HAVE to play Xargon, your experience will probably go something a lot like the original Duke Nukems. Only take away the fun and the style. Add in the following glorious occurences:

1) You will die a lot.
2) When you're not dying, you'll be shooting a lot of fireballs at 8-bit pixels that defy identification.
3) The backgrounds look like they were created on MS Paint using a touch pad.

Welcome to Xargon. This is one that was better left as a coaster.

There is one cool thing about the game. The architect you play as (correction: the FIREBALL SHOOTING architect) is named Malvineous. Malvineous Havershim, to be exact. Say it with me a few times. Malvineous Havershim. This is the kind of name that's begging to be applied to your first born son.