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Today I’d like to interrupt our hard-hitting coverage of snooker, cricket, and competitive drinking (also known as “darts”) in order to bring you one of Europe’s other favorite pastimes: Teenage Queen is a strip poker game, and hence it may be almost redundant to call it a lousy strip poker game.
But where most of these programs “reward” you with digitized photos of famous hussies, hilariously awful 8-bit graphics, or – as in the case of the Commodore 64 – both at the same time, this one features professional quality artwork. I mean it almost looks too competent for what it’s being displayed in; apparently it was produced by some respectable French artist whose talents were subsequently wasted on strip poker. This is because all people from the UK and especially France are (not so) secretly a bunch of crazed sex maniacs. But I digress.
In any case, Teenage Queen appears to be fairly well known amongst retronerds as it’s apparently the best looking hand-drawn strip poker game of all time, for whatever that’s worth. Ironically this genre was never even that popular on the Amiga compared to other computer platforms, presumably because Amiga owners had so many real games they could be playing instead. The actual mechanics are unsurprisingly lame: your AI opponent usually folds if you place a large wager and its money has a tendency to mysteriously regenerate. Lose a hand and you’ll be knocked back to the previous picture, which can quickly leave you right where you started.
Most of these pictures are merely suggestive even if there are a few naughty nudes at the end, and they’re always accompanied by ridiculous French moans for each new reveal. But the real reason I even bothered with this review is because of the very last shot, in which that nubile nymph is shown tearing apart her own flesh to reveal the gleaming steel chassis of a sexy droid complete with hand razors and the demonic Exxos logo.
COWER, BRIEF MORTALS
Just in case you were wondering, “Exxos” was a division of Infogrames that claimed to get all their game ideas from an extradimensional alien of the same name. I am not making this up. But regardless of whether it was inspired by a tentacled entity from beyond the stars, this has to be the greatest swerve in crappy porn gaming history except maybe those skanky models who suddenly transform into bloody zombies.
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Staff review by Sho (January 27, 2008)
Sho enjoys classic video games, black comedy, and poking people until they explode -- figuratively or otherwise. He also writes a bit. |
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