Games, life, and black spots...

NOTE: I'll proofread this later. You're getting the unfiltered draft right now.

Warning: I'm about to get very serious, and it could feel like I'm dismissing something important, but...

Around February or March, I started a new routine to help get myself going into a new phase of my life. I needed to get out of the house, find some hobbies, and find new people to hang out with. I broke my daily routine down thusly: self-care first (getting the kids ready to go back to mom on Mondays first, though), meal prep second, wildcard time after that. The wildcard could be gaming, reading, watching a movie, shopping, going to a seminar, running errands, spending time with the kids, hanging out with someone, etc. None of this is hard-set, either. If I need to go out of order, then so be it.

Unlike most sane people in this world, I don't run on a 9 to 5 schedule. I start work 2 PM, am supposed to be done by 10:30, usually clock out around 11:30 to midnight, return home midnightish, and pretty much get no time in for socialization because the only people up at this time are either working or drinking, and I'm pretty much done with drinking. So basically, getting home at this time means winding down unless I luck out and find someone to spend time with at this hour. My niece is thankfully a night owl, so I occasionally hang out with her. And no, not my "child niece." I'm 45, she's 42.

Anyway, I started this routine. Showers, as it turns out, fall under "self-care," and usually happen right after breakfast. I decided to take one during one March morning, and while lathering my left shoulder, something caught my eye: a black whatever protruding from a freckle. My thoughts immediately jumped to an HBO-produced movie called "And the Band Played On," which was about the AIDS epidemic and its impact on the US's gay community. During one scene, Ian McKellen's character glances down at this leg while lifting weights and notices a similar black splotch. His character, of course, had AIDS, which left him susceptible to rare illnesses and cancers. Unsurprisingly, he ended up dying of cancer by the end of the movie, with the spot serving as an indication he was not long for this world. I didn't fear AIDS because I get tested regularly. I did fear cancer, though, and that movie helped to spur me into action rather than writing the blackness off as a scab.

I went to my primary physician, who sent me to a dermatologist, who took a biopsy of the infected freckle. I put the whole affair out of my mind and told myself not to worry until I get an official diagnosis.

A few weeks pass, I head into the dermatologist again to have a pilar cyst removed from my scalp, and she gives me the news before they get started.

"It's... Not good..."

Cutaneous melanoma. Skin cancer. Good thing I had it checked...

I kinda remember the conversation after that; I need to strain to do so because much of what happened before getting to my car is a blur. I held off on feeling anything during that time, save for relief of having the cyst out of my scalp. Soon as I plant my butt in the driver's seat, I feel a fog come over me. I took a few minutes to settle, let things wash over, and started texting people. The reaction was mostly people cautiously navigating what to say, which is 100% understandable.

I had already received a referral to Cancer Care Northwest, so I just had to wait for them to call from that point. My visit came in short order, and the surgeon talked all about it. I had worried and wondered all week if this was the beginning of the end, or if I was going to recover, if maybe they got the whole mass with the biopsy, if it spread, if I was going to go under immunotherapy...

The surgeon said its depth was fairly low. Not the lowest, but low. Plus, there was no ulceration identified, which means it didn't appear to be draining yet. Understand that he did say "identified," meaning very small ulcerations could have been possible, and those could be problematic, too. The plan was this: I go in for surgery, they cut my shoulder open and dig around, then they biopsy my left sentinel node, which is a lymph node typically around the armpit area that is often the first thing to exhibit cancer signs in a case like this.

Weeks pass. I ask if it's possible things could get worse from here while I await surgery, and they assure me that they likely got the whole spot with the biopsy, and it didn't appear to be draining. They said if things had looked more dire, they would have gotten me in for surgery much sooner.

My surgery has come and gone. They booked it for a day in the middle of time off from work that had already been approved, so my vacation was now turning into surgery recovery with an extra week of medical leave on top of it. They wheeled me into the surgical suite, and it literally felt like five seconds from the point the nurse said, "Okay we're putting [memory devoured it] into your IV. You should..." and me waking up in recovery.

They said no surprises with the shoulder, as in, negative for metastatic cancer there. I'm still technically awaiting the biopsy results, though I have them in my chart currently, and I want my doctor to fully interpret them. It sounds good, but I want to be certain.

Recovery came right after that. I went to my mom's place to rest all week per doctor's orders. I spent most of that time focusing on plans to reinstate my routine, battle the anhedonia I had been feeling lately (which took me out of any kind of media consumption, save for one mobile game), and figuring out what to do about playing Raid. Because honestly, it was chewing up too much of my time.

I used to this time to reignite some of my passions and make some drastic changes that I hope will stick. For instance, I installed AppBlock, which has helped me curb my doomscrolling. Then I informed my clan that I was leaving Raid, thanked them for everything, recognized the sunk cost fallacy, and uninstalled the game.

I got back into games:

CHUCHEL - Amanita Group really outdid themselves with this one. It's way better than the other two games I played, Machinarium and Botanicula. It's not a super deep point-and-click, as it's made to be more of an "everyone" kind of game. I enjoyed it, though, because it's suprisingly varied.

Dig Dog - It sounds like Dig Dug with a dog, and it kind of is. It's a rougelite with a dog as its central character. You dig in the earth, avoid enemies, and try to grab a bone. You earn coins, use them in occasional shops, and worry about perma-death. Honestly, it's decent. It's a pretty simple, straightforward piece for a time when you're not looking for anything overblown.

Octopath Traveler - It took me way too long to finally sit down and play this, and it's honestly a fantastic title. It's got its share of shortcomings, such as lack of variety in enemy groups, plus side quests that are kind of boring, but it's an otherwise wonderful SE title that feels like something from the '90s.

I also watched my share of movies:

Antrum: The Deadliest Film Ever Made - Part mockumentary, part '70s horror loveletter, it's an okay movie. It talks about a fictional movie that was produced in the '70s and submitted for film festivals, and how anyone who watched it either mysteriously died or went insane afterwards, including one audience who burned alive while watching it. It shows the movie within the movie in its entirety, complete with hidden sigils and messages that pop up on the screen. The plot of that prtion concerns a teenage girl and her brother digging a hole to Hell in the middle of a forest to free their recently euthanized dog's soul. The story takes some turns, features a lot of pychological scares and frightening imagery, and even has some "deer-loving" cannibals to boot. Honestly, it needed more mockumentary stuff...

Ash - This one felt kind of sloppy, but I think it was intended to be. A woman wakes up in an outpost on an alien world with the rest of her coworkers brutally murdered. She has amnesia and tries to piece togther what happened. I guess I kinda liked this one despite its issues. The big reveal felt tacked on, though.

The Amusement Park - George A. Romero was commissioned to direct a PSA for a church regarding the ill treatment and neglect of the elderly by society. He obliged, shot an hour-long piece, and somehow it became lost. Someone found it, remastered it, released it in theaters, then added it to Shudder's library. Take it for what it's worth because it's less of a horror movie than it is a straightforward piece on what we do to older folks on the regular. It's less scary than heart-wrenching.

My time off is up. I have the kids right now and will be getting them ready to go back to mom. Later today, it's back to work. Here's hoping for good news and "next steps" that are at least a little easier.

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