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Review Archives (All Reviews)

You are currently looking through all reviews for games that are available on every platform the site currently covers. Below, you will find reviews written by JoeTheDestroyer and sorted according to date of submission, with the newest content displaying first. As many as 20 results will display per page. If you would like to try a search with different parameters, specify them below and submit a new search.

Available Reviews
Bloody Wolf (TurboGrafx-16)

Bloody Wolf review (TG16)

Reviewed on June 27, 2011

Enemies don't hit the ground and flash when they die. They grasp the gory open wound, take a moment to examine the blood on their hand, then thrust the hand toward the sky as if cursing their creator for fating them to cross paths with you. It's one of the many ways Bloody Wolf strokes your ego. Playing as a muscle-bound commando badass on a motorcycle apparently isn't enough of an ego boost.
Castlevania (NES)

Castlevania review (NES)

Reviewed on June 23, 2011

Zombies? Killer bats? Out-of-place panthers? Screw that, it's the candles Simon hated, and yet he eventually grew to love. Only by destroying them could he find random weapons and the sliced-out human hearts needed to give him the strength to throw said weapons. You see, Simon also hates close combat. He likes his space, and doesn't like murderous and nightmarish creatures penetrating his bubble. He'd rather throw a knife than stab a zombie, or toss an axe in an arc than chop down a harpy.
Zombie Shooter (PC)

Zombie Shooter review (PC)

Reviewed on June 20, 2011

Believe me, you will be tested. Many of the zombies do major damage, especially a certain pink type that shoots lasers. You won't, however, find the challenge ridiculous or completely unfair. The destructive power of your weaponry and plentiful ammo keep you in the game long enough to enjoy the destruction.
Girls They Want to Have Fun (Commodore 64)

Girls They Want to Have Fun review (C64)

Reviewed on June 16, 2011

It's arguable as to whether or not Girls is even a game. You only perform one action, it lasts twenty seconds, and that's it. I'm not a fan of porno games, but I think any actual fan want much more than just a single screen and something they can see in any standard porno mag. Girls doesn't offer any real fun, and it's barely a game. It's just a masturbation simulator.
Ikari Warriors II: Victory Road (NES)

Ikari Warriors II: Victory Road review (NES)

Reviewed on June 13, 2011

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
Saints Row 2 (Xbox 360)

Saints Row 2 review (X360)

Reviewed on June 10, 2011

But then Volition did something that a lot of developers with flawed games fail to do: created a sequel that not only addressed the “if onlies”, but expanded on the game as a whole. Saints Row 2 brings the noise.
Legend of the Ghost Lion (NES)

Legend of the Ghost Lion review (NES)

Reviewed on June 07, 2011

Maria's parents never came home. Rather than crying about it, Maria grabbed an ancient spear containing the spirit of an African warrior and embarked on a mission to find them. Her odyssey nearly ended when she fell off a bridge into an icy river. Some might argue that she drowned and what she's seeing in Legend of the Ghost Lion is the afterlife. But is it heaven or hell? What kind of afterlife is packed with fairies, cuteness, goblins, werewolves, moderately useful spirits that inh...
Final Fantasy IV: The After Years (Wii)

Final Fantasy IV: The After Years review (WII)

Reviewed on June 04, 2011

But the critical question: if you're going to fight the same battles, explore the same areas, use the same characters, and listen to the same music as Final Fantasy IV, then why play After Years at all? The only incentives are a few new dungeons and some new characters--none of which are worth writing home about--and the solid battle system.
Saints Row (Xbox 360)

Saints Row review (X360)

Reviewed on May 27, 2011

And while GTA has been veering towards a less ridiculous narrative, Saints Row begs not to be taken seriously. One scene features your character flying out of a vehicle at 60 MPH and skidding along the pavement. Instead of dying or winding up in critical condition, he shrugs it off like he stubbed his toe.
Last Action Hero (Game Boy)

Last Action Hero review (GB)

Reviewed on May 22, 2011

Fists. That's it. There are no guns, no grenades, not even a knife, a sword or a broken bottle. The only time you do get to use a weapon in this game is for one boss battle, but outside that you have to punch both of the different enemies to death.
Total Recall (NES)

Total Recall review (NES)

Reviewed on May 15, 2011

Punch out the midgets and it's time to move down the street where you'll be ambushed by single-shot security guards, attacked by hitmen who pop out of garbage cans, and eventually tangle with what's best described as The Glory Holes of Doom.
Pit-Fighter (SNES)

Pit-Fighter review (SNES)

Reviewed on May 12, 2011

"Blood Sport" it ain't...
Limbo (Xbox 360)

Limbo review (X360)

Reviewed on May 10, 2011

Hell is where the heart is.
Godzilla (Commodore 64)

Godzilla review (C64)

Reviewed on May 04, 2011

Has there ever been a Godzilla movie where the military succeeded in defeating him without the help of another monster or a cockamamie invention? No. Congrats, you're the first nimrod in history to accidentally kill Godzilla with the military.
Sea Monster (Atari 2600)

Sea Monster review (A2600)

Reviewed on April 30, 2011

Sea Monster is another obscure Atari 2600 game lost in the depths. The name might stir the imagination and prompt a lover of esoterica to search it out. You might think the game sets you up as the eponymous beast devouring snack after snack--sharks, whales, unwary swimmer--and racking up points.
Bart Simpson's Escape from Camp Deadly (Game Boy)

Bart Simpson's Escape from Camp Deadly review (GB)

Reviewed on April 27, 2011

Escaping the woods to the mess hall offers no solace. There the platforming is nixed and an all out food fight ensues. While this sounds like an exciting battle royale involving food and foolery, it's merely a scene of straightforward side-scrolling with the occasional press of the B button. Leave it up to Imagineering to make murdering someone with a hamburger or piece of broccoli feel tedious.
Pac-Man (Atari 2600)

Pac-Man review (A2600)

Reviewed on April 23, 2011

Near-death experiences result in a dead Packy lying in a pool of ectoplasm. Tempting fate, moving recklessly and taking chances were what Pac-Man was all about. Take that away and you rob the game its soul.
Vice: Project Doom (NES)

Vice: Project Doom review (NES)

Reviewed on April 13, 2011

If you need a break from the slashing and running, there a few driving and rail shooter levels. Yeah, Vice is like The Adventures of Bayou Billy, except fun. What better way to break from laser-whipping animals and Asian stereotypes than plugging a few bullets into ninjas?
Ninja Crusaders (NES)

Ninja Crusaders review (NES)

Reviewed on April 06, 2011

Turns out the shurikens aren't getting the job done. They provide great range, but our ninja may as well be throwing butter knives.
Ufouria (NES)

Ufouria review (NES)

Reviewed on March 31, 2011

Think of it as Mario meets Metroid. So... Marioid? Metrio? The world is made of various platforming situations, and it's up to you to use your skills, items and other recruitable characters to conquer them and find a way out of this twisted wonderland.

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