In the old days, I used to write reviews. A lot. Most of them were pretty much rubbish. But hey, I was 15-16 when I wrote them. And then Vegita was doing silly gimmick reviews, so a lot of us had a go at them. I did more than my fair share. Here's an absolutely woeful review of Mario Party 3.
It was a bright and happy day in Nintendo land. It always was. The sun and the clouds all wore a happy face as they smiled upon the land, which was covered with smiling trees.
Jerec looked out his window with a smile not unlike those worn by the scenery, ready for yet another day of fun with his Nintendo games. Jerec noticed the postman koopa walk past with a bag full of mail. A letter was inserted into his happy letterbox. With a smile, Jerec went outside to have a look. He opened up the letter, and was greeted with a piece of paper that smiled back at him.
It'sa Me, Mario! You are invited to my third party! A big shiney silver star we call the Millennium Star has landed at the castle, and to claim it, we have to party again, like we did the previous two times!
-- Hope to see you there, Mario."
Jerec smirked. Mario is running out of ideas now, he thought. Does he really need to throw a party like this every year? How many times can he or his friends declare themselves the superstar of Nintendo Land? I don't know how many times they have to keep proving to each other who the superstar is by collecting stars and coins, and playing mini-games, but the premise is wearing thin.
Jerec stood there for a moment, and came to a decision. The offer sounded tempting enough, and he wanted to see how well it would go. He jumped in a warp pipe, and in an instant, he was standing right in front of the huge Mushroom Castle.
He knocked on the door.
It opens and a Toad greets him. This Toad has a die stuck on his head. Trying not to laugh, Jerec hands him the invitation. "Welcome to the Castle, Master Jerec. Mario and his friends are in the courtyard."
Jerec sees Mario. Donkey Kong, Luigi, Peach, Yoshi and Wario are also here. Daisy and Walugi appear. "Wow, now you've got more people over, it should be more interesting this time."
Mario shook his head and said, "No, it will be just the six of us departing on the adventure. The other two will just be for the less serious party section like my first two parties. You will get to wonder around 5 new locales and play mini games against each other. These board maps will contain the similar elements of Mario Party 2 with the elusive items. You will get to use the skeleton key to open the gates that block short cuts. A mushroom that will give you an extra die in movement. There are warp blocks and other fancy items that I'll let you discover for yourself."
"What is this story mode you're talking about?" Jerec asked earnestly. He could tell Mario had already made the same mistakes as he had done with the previous party, and now it was more complicated.
Mario had that charming look in his eyes again. He then started rambling on about the new story adventure mode, "We have decided to give a bulky bit of the party to questing on your own. Remember the previous Mario Party games where you and your friends could take part in the main festivities? Well, those days are over as we've decided to be bastards and make the only part of the party that really means anything for the single player only. It's a single player focus this time around."
Jerec slapped his forehead, as he wasn't impressed. "You do realize, that partying is very boring by yourself?"
Mario didn't seem to take the hint that Jerec wasn't happy. "We've even made it so you can only take the six original characters on the quest. If you are concerned about having friends with you, there is always the party section where you can play about on cute board games like the other games."
"Yes, that's another thing I've noticed about this party, these new places you want to drag us along to... they are just pathetic compared to the ones in your first party. Look at this, Chilly Waters, a place that is set in a land of frigid snow. Other places include an undersea adventure, a forest, a desert and some creepy caverns that aren't even creepy. I don't know who you are trying to impress this time Mario, but you've already made things much more complicated having all these different options. I remember when I could just go to these parties with a few friends and have some fun." Jerec glared at Mario waiting for a response.
Mario scratched his face and started to speak again. "Yes, I know we've made changes, but that is to people who enjoyed our previous parties to find something new and enjoyable. But enough about that, I'll talk to you about the mini games. We've made the Shy Guy mode sadistic, relying on betting all your money on roulette and other such gambling methods. We at Nintendo are a family company and strive to deliver good messages to children..."
Jerec cut him off "Like teaching them about gambling and the wonders of magic mushrooms?"
Mario went over to Luigi and said, "You talk to Jerec, he's being difficult." Mario walked over to the moat and patted Yoshi on the head.
Luigi turned to Jerec and said "A lot of our mini games lack the originality and appeal of those in the first party. Now it's all about jumping at the right time and running around in circles. A lot of our mini games rely on chance and luck. We know it frustrates people, but we do love annoying kids."
"I think I've heard just about enough of this shambles of a party that you guys are throwing. But while I'm here, I might as well ask you about this disgusting décor." Jerec pointed to the castle "In the first two games it looked realistic, but now it looks like a child got playing with a cutout book and made the landscapes all look like drawings and cut-outs. I liked the realism of DK's Jungle Adventure in your first party."
"Well, we realized that people don't want to keep buying the same game all over again so we tweak it just a bit to make people think it is different." Luigi now had a sly look on his face.
Jerec stared at Luigi and said, "So that's why this is called Mario Party 3 and it features the same boring compilation of board maps and mini games with an added complexity which will confuse veterans and leave newbies furrowing their brows in a vain attempt to understand?"
Luigi nodded and shouted, "EXACTLY, you could work for us, you seem to know the tricks of the trade pretty well."
"Hmm, no thanks. My job is to write reviews and announce this sort of behavior to the world." Jerec said with a grin. With that said, the music started to get more intense and Jerec found himself surrounded by Nintendo mascots. The music was still childish and wreaked of childish rhythm. 'Good to see Nintendo branching out again' Jerec thought to himself.
"You will never leave now that you know our secret." Said Wario, shaking his fat gut around as he spoke.
"Hey Look! Its Bowser!" Jerec said. They all turned around and Jerec sprinted out of the castle. He ran past all the Goomba guards and other corny Nintendo mascots posing as security guards. He finally got out and turned to his trusty tape recorder. "Ha, all I have to do is post this conversation on a major website and then people will know the truth about Mario Party 3."
This review was written for the purposes of enlightening you to the situation of Mario Party 3 and its inability to provide anything of interest for newcomers to the series and its ability to make veterans decide it stinks.
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|JoeTheDestroyer - February 16, 2011 (04:18 AM)
I have some older reviews that make this one look like gold. I only wish I could read the very first one I submitted in the original format I had submitted it in.
|jerec - February 20, 2011 (08:28 PM)
I also have some older ones that make this one look good. This is from my "better than complete rubbish" era.