EmP hates Weather/EmP loves Football. Too much.
August 25, 2010

Scant seconds before I started typing (using magically skilled fingers that seem to glide -- GLIDE -- over the awful regressed keyboard of this laptop) I received a phone call from a once-close friend who smugly told me that she was sitting, snug and warm, in a studio that I was asked to attend -- for money -- but turned down in order to play football. A glance outside isnít needed to gauge the weather; I can hear the rain trying its damnedest to break through the ceiling. Right now is one of those depressingly perfect moments when you realise youíve picked exactly the wrong choice. Iím already wet and cold, and, in an hour, I need to start playing though a torrential downpour that only England can properly produce (may not be as violent as some, but itís always effortlessly more miserable) on a god-awful Astroturf pitch that may as well be constructed entirely of Mach 3 razors, and officiated by the rejected rejects of the refereeing special classes who, by FA law, youíre not allowed to tell are as awful as they are.

I could do this, or I could listen to music Iíd probably hate and be paid for my time.

Actually, maybe this isnít so bad...

Whilst Iím in a footballing frame of mind, I present to you, my captured audience of three, the official urban slang for FIFA games:




ITCHFACE: The annoying itch you get (on your face) when youíre either deep into an attack or defending for your life. Itchface has several ramifications and is often thrown in as a bluff. donít feel your attack is going anywhere, or you know that your defensive line is going to be breached? Perform a furious itchface and suck away your opponents creditability! As an added bonus, should you plough extra effort and annoyed grunting into the work, you might pull off the hallowed Physiological Itchface where your opponent will see you scratching away like mad and have no choice but to do the same through power of suggestion.




BOBBLEWEASEL: An annoying series of lucky bobbles that often sees you a goal down through no fault of your own. You could make a fantastic challenge on the edge of the area, only for the ball to spin off slightly to the left and right at the feet of a second opposition striker. Your keeper could make an awesome reaction save from the corresponding shot, but, whatís this? The ball smacked someone in the back of the head and trickled serenely over the line.

The bitterest employer of bobble weasel is none other then our own Ben who, after trailing 4-1, ending up winning a game 6-5 after smacking the ball into my area and laughing hysterically as it bobbled from shin to shin like an insane pinball before hitting poor John OíShea and going in the back of the net. Twice. I may never forgive him.




AAARRRGGGGHHHREF!: When you yell at the digital ref for one of his supposed blunders, knowing full well heís just a collection of polygons whoíll never hear your plea. This will not stop you. That dodgy penalty? That moronic decision to not play advantage when youíre through on goal? That offside call that clearly wasnít? Oh, youíll yell at the ref. And the things you say will haunt anyone unfortunate enough to be in earshot for the rest of their scarred lives.




12th MAN: Every now and then the ref will unwittingly get in the way of play and cost you possession or cut out a pass. But you wonít see it like this: youíll know that he may as well throw his black ref top into the stands and shrug on that hideous purple Spurs third kit and slide a through ball to a rampaging Lennon. Know whatís worse? While you can barge the ref if heís in your way, you canít do a sly slide tackle and mow the cheating official down. Believe me; Iíve tried. If I spent as much time practising free kicks as I did trying to kill the ref, Iíd be knocking them in from the half way line.

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- - - August 25, 2010 (08:44 PM)
Didn't you know? John O'Shea was my 12th man.

I look forward to having a rematch at some point with you, maybe on FIFA 11, just so I can get a hat-trick of Bobbleweasels to torment you further!
zippdementia zippdementia - August 26, 2010 (04:41 AM)
Wow. Congratulations. You made a post about FIFA that I actually read all the way through. Twice.
zippdementia zippdementia - August 26, 2010 (04:42 AM)
... although, you should be aware that this post upsets the delicate EmP balance. You are now at 6 parts anger, or at least 5 parts anger and 1 part rage.
- - - August 26, 2010 (12:04 PM)
Zipp, you should play EmP at FIFA. He's a very gracious loser. :)
zippdementia zippdementia - August 26, 2010 (03:33 PM)
He'd be a very gracious winner, if he played me.
EmP EmP - August 26, 2010 (04:18 PM)
I'm allowed to bitter when I lose 6-5 from a game I'm coasting until a trio of bobbleweasel goals snatched in the last ten minutes!

Thing is, that's why FIFA works so well; it mimicks that fact that anything can happen in football.

Come FIFA '11, we should form a league.

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