For three years now, Iíve had this idea in the back of my deliciously inky-black mind that I wanted to do a weekly mini-rant on things I hate. I hate many things, Iím often told, so the source material should be inexhaustible. However THE PLAN often has this one flaw in it; I want to do it so that I get a new one every week and because something always happens at the start of the year, the process is cracked, and I wait for the next cycle to start.
NO MORE! Iím not writing at the pace nor levels that I have been for at least a decade, and so this excuse will hold no water. I have shot the excuse full of holes -- using manly mind bullets, and now excuse is leaking all over my track shoes.
I WILL have 52 of these up by 2011. Mark my words -- for I am EmP.
First-Time Parents. Thereís nothing less attractive in this world (aside from Harry Redknapp) than a new born baby, and this is indisputable fact, but New Parents like to parade their first born around like itís some exotic blend of Kate Beckinsale and toffee vodka. BUT! What you get is some kind of lumpy misshapen mutant with a gormless expression and a overpowering odour of vomit and crap. Mainly because the odd little monsterís only real function is to produce both substances with alarming focus.
But the hideous kids are not the focus of my ire. They canít help being toady, creepy sacks of barely human-shaped flesh. Itís the beaming parents who insist theyíre soggy piles of dribbling perfection, and caw and coo as they drool all over my things. Is my DS made for gumming? No, it is not.
But what annoys me the most is how, when you go to their house and they parade the kid around for a few hours, then they want to show you photos. I donít need to see photos -- your ugly brat is only a few feet away. I can see it. Having four hundred photos depicting it in completely identical stages of sleep is completely unnecessary when the real thing is being gently urged towards a bare electric socket with a damp fork placed gently in its mouth.
First time parents, my name is EmP. And I hate you.
|Most recent blog posts from Gary Hartley...|
|honestgamer - March 05, 2010 (02:05 PM)
I don't often agree with you on the things you hate, but your points on this one are spot-on. I can't see us ever agreeing so fully again. Ever.
|EmP - March 05, 2010 (02:13 PM)
Finally got the HTML right. Phew.
MINI HATE: HTML.
|jerec - March 05, 2010 (03:00 PM)
At least with a "EmP hates" series, the topics are going to be varied and interesting. If this were a "hmd hates" series, it'd just be about Fallout 3.
|honestgamer - March 05, 2010 (03:57 PM)
You exaggerate, Jerec. He also hates a few other popular games. I don't know how long I could manage a weekly 'Jason Hates' column. I could probably go for a few weeks but then I'd run out of things I genuinely hate.
|WilltheGreat - March 05, 2010 (05:16 PM)
Some of the text is still lost between images there, EmP. You're really not too good at HTML.
Keep in mind I'd be happy to do all your HTMLing for you to ensure it's done properly, as a personal favor to my favorite englishman. I'd even lower my hourly rate to $10 just for you.
|zippdementia - March 05, 2010 (05:18 PM)
EmP, I applaud you. You do realize that if you manage to write 52 of these, you could easily host them on their own webspace and get 1,000's of hits a day with a few key advertisements? Then you could sell ad-space to that webspace and not have to work again for at least a year.
I'm dead serious.
|darketernal - March 05, 2010 (06:54 PM)
You hate everything, so this shouldn't be much of a problem for you.
Also, Kate Beckinsale lost all of her goodness points by appearing in what is quite possibly one of the worst movies of the decade, Whiteout.
|eviltb - March 06, 2010 (06:13 AM)
obviously you dont have kids. you're not funny, you're not unique, but you probably think you're the Shit when go fact you just sound like an immature dumbarse who thinks he's "cool". feel free to keep your stupid opinions to yourself.
|darketernal - March 06, 2010 (06:43 AM)
And so it starts.
|pickhut - March 06, 2010 (08:09 AM)
Doesn't that defeat the entire purpose of this site if we keep our opinions to ourselves?
Venter, shut it down.
|zippdementia - March 06, 2010 (10:53 AM)
This proves it. You definitely need to get this on your own webspace and start planning your year-long vacation from responsibility.
|jerec - March 06, 2010 (12:39 PM)
And you'll know you've made it when you get guys like that commenting on each entry.
|EmP - March 06, 2010 (01:02 PM)
Will: Everything seems fins to me. Perhaps your last view was an un-refreshed peek at when it was a god-awful mess. If it still looks wrong to you, let me know. And Iíll blame it on you and your hippy browser.
Zipp: I find it unlikely thereíll be too much interest in this outside of the people who already know my exaggerated sense of over branching hatred. If this somehow proves popular, then I hope it in some way helps the site.
Eviltb: You, of course, are quite correct; I do not have kids of my own. The authorities often insist that my right to breed is revoked. Should that day finally arrive, though, Iíve little doubt Iíll become that which Iíve just lampooned. But I certainly hope Iíll keep my sense of humour about the situation.
|zippdementia - March 06, 2010 (01:47 PM)
I recall Sean Baby... and more recently (and still going) Angry Video Game Nerd and Yahztee... neither of whom have to keep day jobs any longer.
Never hurts to try.
|EmP - March 07, 2010 (02:44 AM)
Let's see if I can keep to any kind of scedule or quality before thinking about doing anything with it.
|wolfqueen001 - March 10, 2010 (03:43 PM)
XD Oh, you. Your inexplicable hatred for children makes me a little sad, even if it is hilarious. And even if I'm quite ambivalent on the matter myself. xP
I do agree about the parents thing, though. But for slightly different reasons. I hate first time parents because most first time parents are way to young to have had children when they did and so have no idea what they're even doing nor likely any way to properly care for them. The constant cooing over the child isn't an object of my hate, though I do admit that I'd likely find it annoying once it stops being cute. Of course, I speak from a third person perspective as well, so I fully expect these sentiments to change if I ever have kids of my own.