Bad Dudes (NES) review " Bosses are tough and require great timing and patience to defeat. Having a weapon only increases the likelihood of survival, since it has a superior reach and deals significantly more damage than most of your traditional unarmed combinations. Some bosses are literally impossible to kill without one."

“The President has been kidnapped by ninjas!” rapidly mouths a stern-faced military commander while text lazily scrolls across the screen. “Are you a bad enough dude to rescue the president?” he inquires in an equally mute manner.

“Are you threatening my masculinity?” I query back before remembering I’m not a man.

Bad Dudes breathes masculinity. It’s so manly, that even I feel manly.

But can you blame me? I’m playing as one of two HUGE, BEEFY, BURLY men. Men who pulse with so much virility that they impregnate women just by looking at them.

Their names are Blade and Striker. They punch kittens in their free time.

But for the next few hours, they’ll only be punching ninjas. Swarms of them. Some are bare-fisted; others wield throwing knives or swords. There are even little midget ninjas that flip around and try their cutest to hurt you but can’t because you’re just too awesome. Red ninjas drop useful items such as health-replenishing cans of Coke (what’s manlier than a can of Coke?) or even the occasional weapon, both of which kill all minor enemies in a single hit.

But you don’t need weapons. You eat ninjas for breakfast, and your bare hands can tear them to shreds. Your ripped biceps can dispatch any ninja with the greatest of ease. A punch-kick combo will see off most foes, but for tackling greater numbers, your FLYING SPIN KICK is a most effective weapon. And if the odds are really against you, charge up your FLAME PUNCH to annihilate everything two inches in front of you.

Then again, maybe it’s not your overly large muscles or Dragon Ball Z-like special techniques that make the job easy. Maybe it’s the predictability. Your enemy habitually strikes from the same place every time you replay a level, making your heroic venture a simple matter of memorizing attack locations. Which is good because, predictability aside, you’ll likely run out of health and deplete a few lives before reaching the boss at the end of a level. Like it or not, there are still far too many enemies to kill without taking significant damage, regardless of how manly you are.

I lied. You need weapons.

Bosses are tough and require great timing and patience to defeat. Having a weapon only increases the likelihood of survival, since it has a superior reach and deals significantly more damage than most of your traditional unarmed combinations. Some bosses are literally impossible to kill without one.

Strutting through the forest (yes, strutting), I happened upon a monster that looked suspiciously like Big Foot. He was large and capable of knocking out half my health with a single somersaulting, rolling kick that reached almost halfway across the screen. The only way to hurt him seemed to be to knife him while standing up. I had tried going in weaponless earlier, and that soon proved my demise. Using a dagger, however, I was able to stab him twice, where he’d growl menacingly (I assume), then step back a bit and perform his devastating kick. Memorizing his attack pattern, I slew him easily without taking much damage.

Weapons are especially handy on the moving train level (there’s always a train) when you’re charged by flaming ninjas who can’t be killed any other way. Or when, halfway through, you fight a demonic version of the fire-breathing circus performer boss encountered in the first level. Having a weapon really helps then.

But holding onto one can prove most difficult, especially considering you lose it when you die. And you’ll die a lot on that train.

The cars quickly pass beneath your feet, which forces you to jump the wide space between them. Except there’s a problem. Never mind the ninjas that are almost constantly assaulting you. Jumping takes skill. You can’t just run forward, leap across and expect yourself to make it. No, against all logic, that tactic seems to be less effective. Instead, you have to stand still, jump, and at the same time, maneuver yourself in the air to gain the maximum length. About six inches, which is just barely enough to cross each gap. And considering that falling through the cars halves your health and sends you to the starting edge of the screen, you’ll want to make those hops count for all their worth.

Defeat the boss, by whichever means, and listen to your avatar’s screech of triumph.

“I’M BAD!” he says in a gravelly, muffled, almost inaudible tone. And he is right. He’s very bad. He’s so bad, he steals candy from orphans. But he just rescued the President. From an army of ninjas. Who came out of nowhere.

Damn, he’s good.

Featured community review by wolfqueen001 (September 27, 2008) A bio for this contributor is currently unavailable, but check back soon to see if that changes. If you are the author of this review, you can update your bio from the Settings page.