"Whether pretty graphics, raunchy humor or rugged sex appeal, there’s no start to its good points."
Simply based on the title, you might expect this game to be a bad ripoff of the legendary text adventure Leather Goddesses of Phobos. Or you might be whipping out the Vaseline and old gym socks. But oh man, either way would you ever be WRONG! Unlike the pile of bad adventure games that are merely forgettable, Sex Vixens From Space actually manages to be noteworthy thanks to reverse achievement. Whether pretty graphics, raunchy humor or rugged sex appeal, there’s no start to its good points.
We join our hero BRAD STALLION, outrageously manly space guy, as he sets out to defend the universe from a legion of outrageously horny amazons, even if the title screen does make him look more like some sort of intergalactic Davy Crockett. Unfortunately for this spacefaring studmuffin, the writing is pure drivel consisting of the same pathetic, transparent attempts at humor repeated over and over again. The developers apparently thought it would be the height of wit to have every single character make the same remark about our hero’s “Big Thruster,” his starship shaped like a giant penis. This is what is known as a “double entendre” or play on words in reference to his genitalia, which is presumably also shaped like a giant penis.
Now the earlier Commodore 64 version was a crappy text adventure, but for this bigger, badder Amiga port Free Spirit decided to go ahead and torture us with graphics. Unfortunately they couldn’t seem to decide whether to go with a text parser or make you point and click on tiny objects, so you’ll just have to randomly use both. Since there’s no “look” command to highlight the items of importance, you’ll be hard pressed to even notice those tiny objects, and taking one doesn’t even make it disappear from the screen.
Of course these pixel hunts are still a hell of a lot easier than the alternative, as the text parser only accepts the one EXACT phrase it was programmed for and nothing else. You’d think it would have raised a red flag when saving the galaxy from certain destruction has nothing on trying to acquire a little maid service.
Sorry, I don’t understand.
>PUNCH MAID IN THE FUCKING MOUTH
Try some different words.
For those of you playing at home, the correct answer was “SEND MAID.”
Not only is most of your time spent trying to figure out what you’re expected to type or scouring the screen for a dot, but the puzzles are either blatantly obvious or don’t make any sense. But the final slap in the face are those newly introduced graphics, which look like they were drawn by a 10 year old and are about as sexy as an enema – and knowing some of you people, let me make it clear that I mean that as a bad thing. Ranging from butt ugly to downright grotesque, it’s no wonder these so-called “sex vixens” have to forcibly rape the galaxy just to get some. Now we know why Brad is considered the bravest man in the universe.
I really have to sit in mute admiration for a company that not only had the balls to charge legal tender for this shit but somehow managed to crank out an entire series of equally abysmal wankstains. If you’re the sort that enjoys self-abuse, by all means check out BRAD STALLION’s further erotic misadventures in Planet of Lust, Bride of the Robot, and of course SEX OLYMPICS – but when I want to experience eye-gouging horror, I’ll stick with Waxworks, thanks.
Staff review by Sho (July 16, 2007)
Sho enjoys classic video games, black comedy, and poking people until they explode -- figuratively or otherwise. He also writes a bit.
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