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Custer's Revenge review

Game: Custer's Revenge
Platform: Atari 2600
Genre: Action
Developer: Mystique

Reader review by goldenvortex

May 19, 2007

If anyone finds Custer's Revenge disturbing, horrible or anything other than hilarious, then you've clearly got issues with your sense of humour. Sure, as far as games go, it's crap but when people tell me that it's tasteless, I just tell them to get a grip. Besides, the Atari 2600 had loads of really funny, yet horribly bad, “pornographic” games. Now, the reason I used that word in inverted commas is because that none of these games are anything but erotic or stimulating in any way. If you're playing Custer's Revenge and begin to feel the blood rush downstairs, I strongly recommend that you stop playing and try and scrape the pieces of your social life together.

I heard of this games legacy a long time ago, and I admit, at first I was rather mortified about a game that let you play as a naked cowboy, sporting an erection that every MMORPG player would be proud of, you have to guide General George Armstrong Custer, “American Hero”, across the screen so you can get your freak on with a fair Indian, I mean Native American maiden, curiously named Revenge. See, she's his lover! He's trying to cross a barren and dangerous obstacle course to make love to his girlfriend. Custer's Revenge isn't controversial, it's a statement emphasising the power of love!

The best thing about this game is that when Custer walks across the screen, his colossal knob bounces up down when he walks. It actually could be the funniest thing I have seen in a game, ever. Even the scene in X-Change, where the main character lost his penis couldn't beat Custer's Revenge for pure unadulterated comedy. However, Custer has to avoid a number of obstacles before he can slip in it. Arrows come flying at you at s constant speed, which you can avoid by walking away from them. When you get to the woman, (who is tied to a cactus! Ouch!), you have to hammer the “fire” button where Custer will continue to bang the living daylights out of this lover. Which each pelvic thrust, you earn points; however, poor Custer will have to pull out his soldier and run away to avoid any arrows that may hit him during intercourse! How frustrating! (For him and the player.)

If you have the humour of a ten year old, like yours truly, you'll find Custer's Revenge to be a riot. However, the game itself isn't amazingly enjoyable because it's incredibly repetitive and pretty boring. Run right, dodge arrows and screw until your tanks empty, that's Custer's Revenge in a nutshell. While it may go down in history as one of the first game to stir any media controversy, and be one of the first games to receive a parental advisory sticker, it doesn't stop it from being an incredibly poor one. But, the fact that you're playing a semi-naked cowboy with a rather impressive boner is more worrying than the events that transpire later.

Rating: 2/10

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