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Fist of the North Star review

Game: Fist of the North Star
Platform: NES
Genre: Action
Developer: Unknown
AKA: Hokuto no Ken II: Seikimatsu Kyuuseishu Densetsu (JP)

Reader review by goldenvortex

September 16, 2005

The coolest things about “Fist of the North Star:”

1. It’s based on an epic Manga series.
2. Punching people until they explode is awesome.
3. Understanding sadness has never been this entertaining
4. Slicing people into bits with your hands is awesome.
5. It predicts a grim future for us all. (On second thought, that may not be that cool.)

Don’t ask me how someone can take those five cool qualities and fuck them around so that they suck ass. Amazingly, Toei and Shouei managed to give birth to a misshapen, retarded and ugly product that had barely any resemblance to what God originally intended it to look like.

Set in a future world, devastated by a nuclear war. The anime movie of Fist of the North Star shocked and rocked us by throwing a two hour and half long gore-fest of exploding heads, brutal Super martial arts battles and a new use for all of that fat hanging off your body. That may sound awesome (and believe me, it is) but nothing like this is represented in this first attempt to make a Fist game. They failed miserably. They even bathed their cuts in vinegar afterwards because after SIX attempts at a sequel, they managed to fuck up every single time.

The main problems with the first chapter of this sad saga are: crippling repetitiveness and a dull outline. Playing as Kenshiro, you have to get yourself through a maze by going through a certain number of doors. When you come across the desired door, the game actually SHOWS you that it’s the correct one. Ken’s friend, Lin appears at the door to indicate the door you must go through.

Challenge Rating: 1/10

Enemies aren’t too hard to kill either. They’ll come at you rather slowly and with one punch, you can make them explode. They just keep on coming and you just keep knocking them down. They may throw little pink rectangles at you but one punch will deflect it easy enough. Some can even surprise you by skidding across the screen really quick. Ken has the ability to leap very high so with quick press of the jump button, he’ll soar over them in a jiffy. The only thing that makes it anything close to a chore is their sheer amount of numbers but since they only take one hit to die, it’s not hard. However, ignore the “you’re invincible” rumour that you may hear. It’s the biggest crock of shit I’ve heard. If you take too many hits, Ken will flail off the screen and lose a life. Only those who emulate will find the immortality hack but, don’t worry, the game is still as repetitive and as boring.

Challenge Rating: 1/10

So far, everything seems to be a walk in the park. If you can’t get past level one without dying or getting lost then I highly recommend you pick a different hobby. However, the boss fights are a little harder and require some skill to do away with. They throw you into a one on one battle with one of the main bad guys, one of them being Joker, that fucking twat-faced clown that wasn’t even part of the fucking story. The geniuses at Toei threw him in the animated show to make look like Shin’s second in command. BASTARDS! Anyway, bosses aren’t exactly too hard to waste. Some of them just walk into you while you beat them senseless. Others hop around like constipated rabbits but pressing punch or kick rapidly will wipe the floor with them.

Challenge Rating: 1/10

All of the six levels have these three factors, which lead to almost instant depressing repetition. Some games get repetitive after the second level; this one gets repetitive after throwing the first punch. Even hardcore fans of the manga or the anime will find this pathetic excuse of a game a discredit to the whole series and it’ll make you hang your head in shame. Fuck you, Toei. I don’t know how one company can make one excellent series into something that feels and looks like a decaying rat carcass in your bed. It’s something so repetitive and so simple that it barely even feels like you’re playing a game. NES collectors and Fist fans beware, you’re absolutely in for a scare.

Rating: 1/10

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