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Contra: Hard Corps review

Game: Contra: Hard Corps
Platform: Genesis
Genre: Shooter (Run 'n Gun)
Developer: Konami
AKA: Probotector (EU), Contra: The Hard Corps (JP)

Staff review by Zigfried

September 18, 2004

Fat snerds gush over Genesis game developer Treasure because a few of their employees happened to work on a couple of decent SNES games. Namely, Contra 3 and Axelay. As fat snerds love to say, "Contra 3 is great! Treasure programmers made it!"

Well, those programmers weren't big on recycling one game idea after another, so they left and formed their own company and released a bunch of awesome games. They also released Gunstar Heroes. This was Treasure's way of flipping Konami the middle finger. As fat snerds love to say, "Gunstar Heroes is great! It's by the guys that made Contra 3!"

Then Konami turned right around and flipped Treasure the double bird.

"Fuck you, Treasure."

That's what Konami said when they released Contra: Hard Corps, a game that royally kicks every Gunstar Hero's primary-colored ass. Sure, Gunstar's SNES-like effects made idiots drool. However! Armed with LOADS more action, SCADS more insanity, and BUSHELS more bullets, Hard Fuckin' Corps splattered even the most stalwart Genesis gamer's brains across the walls. And Konami did it without Treasure's help.

Fat snerds haven't played Contra: Hard Corps, but they love to eat Cheetos.

Now I'm going to tell you about a conversation I had with my friend Jim.

"Is Contra: Hard Corps really as awesome as you say? I played it at Quinn's house for a few minutes and it didn't seem that great."

What you mean to say is, you watched Quinn play it for five friggin' minutes and never even touched the controller yourself.

"It's hard for me to get into these old games. I wasn't impressed with Bloodlines either. Maybe it was great once upon a time. I just couldn't get into it. It doesn't have that enjoyability factor or funnitude that Contra 3 had."

Hard Corps and Bloodlines may both be by Konami, but they're different beasts. I know it's hard to separate Castlevania and Contra in your mind, but just give it a try. Hard Corps is HARD CORE. You don't walk a few steps then whip a candle. The game starts when the APC carrying you rams through gasoline-filled barrels even faster and harder than my cock rams through supermodels. Of course, the APC explodes into a fiery mess, but that's okay. Your chosen warrior -- any of four, ranging from hot chick to hairy werewolf -- somersaults out of the battered vehicle, racing through squads of soldiers and snipers as earthquakes shake the city. Shit explodes and the ground itself ripples beneath your feet.

Soon enough, a mechanical spider bursts through a fence, spraying bullets this way and that. Fill it full of holes, and the spider unleashes its final attack... it kamikazes straight for you! Leap over it and let it run into the skyscraper instead. Instead of just exploding harmlessly, the spider explodes and causes the skyscraper to actually fall to the ground, yes it actually busts up a friggin SKYSCRAPER. Run up the side of the fallen building, climb another tower, and briefly enjoy the view of the cityscape.

It's brief because a giant steel blue cyclops lurks in the background, annihilating buildings with eye-born death beams. Upon catching sight of you, this mechanical Overfiend leaps from the background into the foreground with a screen-shaking crash, slowly standing upright. It hurls entire cars at you, it tries to disintegrate you with its eye beams, it's one bad-ass mofo. And that's just halfway through the first level.

"I don't remember that part."

That's because you're a fat snerd, Jim. Here, I'll show you the game. Get ready because it'll rape your eyes.

Insert thirty minutes of awesomeness as the software-coded 3D scaling and rotation effects of the Genesis make the SNES look like the Bandai Pippin or whatever the hell that stupid system was called. This torrid affair culminates in an orgasmic "whoa" and gushy "spoosh" when a giant robot stops a train with its bare hands

"Well... it's okay. I can see where the PS2 Contra got some of its ideas. I guess this is decent. But it doesn't seem as deep as Contra 3. The SNES game had fewer bosses and more generic soldiers, so you actually got to kill more stuff. This game has too many bosses. By the way, I love Shinobi 3, so you can't accuse me of being anti-Genesis."

You bastard. There's plenty of stuff to shoot, and Hard Corps' length crushes the SNES game (the multiple paths help, too). And as any sane man can tell you, the bosses were the best part of Contra 3 -- I don't care how many generic soldiers you kill in the SNES game's dumb overhead stages, those weren't fun at all. Hard Corps cuts the shit and pumps up the awesome. By the way, everyone except the most braindead retard loves Shinobi 3.

It doesn't matter. I can tell the difference between words and thoughts. You may say you're not impressed by scenes like the one where you stand on a wooden bridge and fire clash beams through a waterfall at a cretaceous beast while it tries to shake you off the bridge... but I know the truth. From the first minute you saw the famous 3D "highway" scene where your hero runs from a ball-and-chain swinging robot, you were hooked. I saw the smile on your face when we visited the secret arena and fought that weird-ass Castlevania reject. You were digging the game, and you know it. The stain on your pants proves it.

EPILOGUE

Jim's lost a lot of weight lately. He also sold his SNES. The connection is obvious. Contra: Hard Corps is not only a kick-ass game, but it also forces you to get your ass in shape because one look at its awesomeness is enough to make a man foresake his SNES and cheese puffs.

//Zig

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