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Sex Games (Commodore 64) artwork

Sex Games (Commodore 64) review


"False advertising"

C'mon people now
Smile on your brother
Ev'rybody get together
Try to love one another right now

-The Youngbloods


Sex Games is a misleading title. It's the not the word “sex” that throws you off, but that little letter at the end: s. It might lead you to believe that there's a whole plethora of activities in various positions, possibly even multiple mini-games that also explore a variety of kinks. One might imagine a carbon copy of Konami's Track & Field, except with more genitals and bodily fluids. Gives new possibilities for the pole vault, no?

I'm sure both die hard Commodore 64 porn game fans were disappointed when they discovered that this game wasn't a compilation, or even a true multi-level score attacker. Rather, Sex Games utilizes only one screen after you pass the title card. There are no athletic events or engaging mini-games on offer, but it does feature five comic panels containing simple depictions of intercourse. The first one shows classic doggy style, while the other four remain veiled.

As you might've guessed, in order to spy the other slippery segments, you need to finish the first challenge. You accomplish that by moving the joystick back and forth, thereby moving the ugly, cartoony dude in and out of the hand-drawn woman who's about as sexy as Dilbert. As you pump, a "lust" meter fills up. Meanwhile, another gauge called "potency" serves as a time limit, as it emptyies with each passing second. The objective is to reach full lust before potency depletes. Succeed and you'll advance to the next panel. All you need to do is jerk the joystick back and forth like a froth-mouthed madman, but I suspect anyone playing this game should already be pretty skilled in repeated motions involving sticks...

Unfortunately, no matter how much you've pulled the pork in your lifetime, filling up that lust meter is damn near impossible because of stiff control response. The guy barely moves as you toggle the joystick, settling on an awkward, ineffective poke. Thankfully, he does remain in motion if you can establish a tight rhythm, but that even fails eventually regardless of whether or not you're on cue. Yeah, stiff response strikes again!

However, even if you get past the first segment, the rest are similarly nothing special. You work hard so you can glimpse some run of the mill sexual positions that crop up in just about any porn, starring comic strip characters who are about as arousing as navy blue dress socks. Each segment requires you to perform the same, repetitive task of moving the joystick back and forth, except that each "level" utilizes different directions. For instance, missionary uses more of a diagonal approach. Ultimately, you're just moving your hand in a to and fro motion, except you're not doing anything pleasurable.

This affair culminates in a final giant panel, in which all of the men from the previous four scenes team up on a single woman.....and each other. The ensuing bisexual orgy is not something you would expect from a porn video game from the '80s; they tend to feature exclusively straight action. While I don't swing that way, I do have to praise Sex Games for at least thinking outside the box. Yes, pun sort of intended...

We could easily dismiss all of these criticisms because Sex Games is a pornographic game, and therefore not meant to be deep or really all that fun. Most would see it as a novelty rather than a true blue gaming product. And in response to this game's lack of entertainment value, I have only to offer a ridiculously emphatic BUT WHY NOT? Sex is fun, some people like sex and video games, video games are also fun, SO WHY THE HELL AREN'T THERE MANY FUN VIDEO GAMES WITH SEX IN THEM? Look, programming a bunch of humping into a video game isn't a license to just deliver any old nonsense. Sex Games fails not because it's a porno title, but because it minimally interactive, tedious and stifled by overly demanding mechanics that provide only paltry rewards.

Seriously, you're better off just using Google image search for your "material" and leaving crusty old products like this in the past.


JoeTheDestroyer's avatar
Community review by JoeTheDestroyer (July 13, 2011)

Rumor has it that Joe is not actually a man, but a machine that likes video games, horror movies, and long walks on the beach. His/Its first contribution to HonestGamers was a review of Breath of Fire III.

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Feedback

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jerec posted July 14, 2011:

Another one of these? Joe, what would your mother think?
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JoeTheDestroyer posted July 14, 2011:

Joe's Mom [with Spanish accent]: Oh, Joey, is so nasty. Why you play that? Ooo, take it away. God, you nasty!

Something like that. :) I'm planning on doing one of these every time I win ROTW.

Maybe.

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