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Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em (Atari 2600) artwork

Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em (Atari 2600) review

"Ah, Mystique, bless you. What would the Atari 2600 be without your games? As if there weren't enough bad titles, you had to introduce pixilated nudity into the mix. Without you, the Japanese wouldn't have the idea to copy, and Hentai games would be long delayed! "

Ah, Mystique, bless you. What would the Atari 2600 be without your games? As if there weren't enough bad titles, you had to introduce pixilated nudity into the mix. Without you, the Japanese wouldn't have the idea to copy, and Hentai games would be long delayed!

Flash back to 1982. It's obvious every area of video gaming has been covered. I mean we had Pac-Man and even Ms. Pac-Man. What else could there possibly be? Fear not for the company of Mystique forms from the hunger of the masses, bringing along with them groundbreaking titles such as Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em! These games were so secretive that they included a leather-like case with a padlock to keep the kids out! Oh, I don't think the kids would be emotionally scarred from the game's content, but they would get a good laugh at their pathetic parents for owning such a stupid product.

I'd write my own little diddly on the basis of the game, but there's no way I can top what's on the back of the box:

You are a local leading-lady and all the up-town boys are standing in line for a date, but a savvy soda-slinger just around the corner is more down your alley and you just can't seem to get enough of his famous fountain treats.

Most evenings the joint's a jumpin', the city's clamoring for that counter-Casanova's premium hand-packed ice-cream, and to prove you are the only girl in town who can make his soda pop, you will have to apply yourself to matters at hand and stay one jump ahead of the crowd. Demonstrate your heart is the right place (at the right time) and you will be certain to get all that's comin' to you.

HAHAHAHA. The innuendo just kills you, doesn't it?

A guy with a giant phallus for a body pumps down golden rectangles at one or two ladies below (depending on selected game mode). You must use the paddle controller to guide the disgusting ''ice cream'' into the ladies' mouths. Sexy, huh? It gets even hotter in Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em's two player mode! (No it doesn't)

Being a paddle game, the controls are exactly the same as every other Atari 2600 paddle game: same responsiveness, same accuracy, same everything. Just play Breakout or something instead.

Every level is the same, except the guy shoots more stuff (ugh) and it comes down faster. The first two levels are easy enough, but the game is almost unplayable by the time you reach round four. That's okay, though: who wants to admit he got past round four in Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em, anyway? The game is a tad easier with two ladies since it doubles the effecting catching range, but you'll have to tolerate twice the ugliness. It's quite a tradeoff.

Whoever Mystique hired to do the graphics obviously never saw a real human or had real disillusionment about himself as a male. The fact that the guy is giant genitalia with a head is disturbing enough in itself. The females are almost as bad and look like they were hit by one big ugly-stick; they're disproportioned, and you'll be wondering how ''that'' got all the way over ''there''. There's a skyscraper background, and some unidentifiable gray brick-things occupying most of the screen. I have no idea what they are and really don't care.

The animation of the male is what makes the game and is a must for any masochist. I can't describe it adequately. You'll just have to see it for yourself. The girls lick their faces when they're finished their ''ice cream'' as well. Will the sexiness never end?

How can you say good things about a game that rips sound effects from Pac-Man? At least rip some sounds from a good game, like Pitfall! or something. Actually, the ''splash'' sound made when the rectangles hit the ground isn't too bad. As with the other Mystique games, musical selections include ''Shave and a Haircut, Two Bits'' and dead air. Just put real porno into your VCR if you want some fitting music. Then again, if you have real porn, why do you need this, you sicko?

I'm not sure who I feel more sorry for: those who enjoy the game play or those who actually become aroused at the sight of mutant women (or, dear god, that man-beast). Anyone guilty of either or, heaven forbid, both should be immediately committed to the New Mexico landfill where the rest of the world's Atari cartridges lie. I don't know, maybe men were very stupid in 1982, but what male on earth would actually admit to owning an Atari porn game let alone challenge his girlfriend to play as well? That's right up there with using the Diana Troi action figure to pick up chicks.

This game is billed as ''Swedish Erotica''. If Swedes need something like this to get them nice and ready, it would explain why their country has one of the world's highest suicide rates. I think I'd rather kill myself than admit I play this game on a regular basis, too. Needless to say, this game blows, in more way than one. Go ahead, play it, have a laugh. Just never admit you had contact with this game, or you may never have contact with a female again.

whelkman's avatar
Community review by whelkman (May 26, 2008)

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