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Gals Panic (Arcade) artwork

Gals Panic (Arcade) review

"Teenage guys are teeming with hormonal energy and are eager to experiment, but their female counterparts, overcome with hormones as well, just do not share guys' desire for quick-and-dirty sexual discovery. Being not the old days, boys cannot simply clunk a woman on the noggin with a heavy object when she resists his charms (or lack thereof). 


Teenage guys are teeming with hormonal energy and are eager to experiment, but their female counterparts, overcome with hormones as well, just do not share guys' desire for quick-and-dirty sexual discovery. Being not the old days, boys cannot simply clunk a woman on the noggin with a heavy object when she resists his charms (or lack thereof). 

Even young men in so-called relationships lack the experience to decipher her ''I'm saving myself for someone special'' into ''You're a creep and I hate you and I wouldn't let you touch me if you were the last man on earth.'' Instead, he vainly clamors for her approval through attempted negotiation (''Let me have sex with you and I'll baby sit your little sister for you!'') and, eventually, begging (''Please! I need you! If we don't make love I'll just die!''). This poor soul doesn't realize his behavior is emasculating and a total turn-off to women. 

So, despite being termed ''adult entertainment,'' pornography is a medium enjoyed mostly by adolescent males, and, to these males, pornography is their savior. Pornography is about sex, naturally, but it is also about male empowerment, a fact missed by most men (but not feminists). There is something entrancing about watching this man--ugly, fifty years old, and overweight--demand that this attractive twenty year old woman take her clothes off, lie on the bed, and offer herself to him. And, amazingly, she does it with simulated pleasure. Scenarios like these give adolescent males hope because, after all, if this over-the-hill fat tub of crap can get laid, so can anybody. Pornography also allows males to briefly escape their biggest fear: rejection. With the exception of artsy French flicks from the '80s, porno girls never turn down porno guys. 

Therefore, it is not a great leap to say pornography and video gaming, two favorite pastimes of males, go well together. Most have a setting where the player completes trivial tasks to be rewarded with the visage of a naked and willing woman; more tantalizing games will feature the women undressing in stages as the game progresses. Unlike traditional pornography, which features a third person look, video game sex is often viewed through the second person, so, in video games, the player assumes the role of the studly porno male. Actually working (if just a little) for the nudity and having the female being interested in ''you'' makes video game pornography intoxicating to some. 

Simple as this combination is, the formula totally escapes Gals Panic, a terrible Qix clone created by Kaneko. In Qix, the player uses a cursor initially bound to a rectangular perimeter to ''highlight'' the playing field in rectangular segments until his highlighted sections claim seventy-five percent of the playing field. If this sounds boring that's because it is; Qix was a wholly unfulfilling experience in 1981 and the 1990s didn't treat it any better. Gals Panic remains a faithful clone yet manages to be even worse. Qix's main problem is a credit lasts just a few minutes; Gals Panic diminishes that to mere seconds. 

Gals Panic absorbs all of Qix's annoying ways to die and even adds some. Irritating creatures which move in random directions and random speeds clutter the playing field. Several touches from them and a credit is spent. These creatures even multiply to the point where it is not possible to make maneuvers, and waiting them out is impractical since the game is timed. The most annoying feature of all are the impassible barriers which can only be removed by risky maneuvers to include them in highlighted sections. More often than not, I found these barriers a serious impediment in reaching the final few percentage points required to move onto the next stage. 

Beating a stage nets a pose from a woman but only if completed on time. Otherwise the game treats the player to ugly laughing animals and, to add injury to insult, makes him replay the stage. Don't be too disappointed because despite rapid advances in video display technology during the late 1980s, Gals Panic is content displaying pixilated, low resolution, low color women. 

Gals Panic fails as pornography, and it also fails as a quarter muncher. Fun games compel the player to spend more but Gals Panic just irritates. Dropping two dollars to finally beat the first stage only to be presented with a sheep isn't my idea of a good time. Worst of all, Gals Panic fails to empower the male player. Instead of feeling momentarily powerful, Gals Panic reminds the poor guy how easily he is played and how low he will go just to be teased. Imagine the humiliation of being laughed at by sheep only to pump more quarters into this awful game just to possibly see the pixilated woman take off her clothes. 

The sad thing is that actual dating is cheaper than Gals Panic. Fifty dollars gets about an hour with the game but should easily make for a three hour outing with the belle you could be courting, and I assure you the potential rejection by a female is greatly outweighed by the certain rejection Gals Panic treats its victims to.

whelkman's avatar
Community review by whelkman (May 26, 2008)

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