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Deadly Premonition (Xbox 360) review

"“Visit beautiful Greenvale!”"

Greetings, friend! Tired of traditional life in the high-falutin’ big city? Are you looking for a quiet, relaxing place to get away from it all? For an experience that’s a little…different? Want somewhere that you can get to know your neighbors, where everyone’s part of a tightly-knit community? Feel like embracing the insanity of life without your modern conveniences? Well, come on down to Greenvale, and watch your dreams come true!

Don’t let the naysayers get to you. The ones who claim our fair burg looks more like a modern-era town. Why, Greenvale’s heart and soul lies not in a pretty coat of paint like the fatcat big city, but in our rustic charm, enthralling stories to tell, and interesting locals and locales!

Our fine hotel can cater to any request you have! Don’t let the fact that it’s run by a single elderly woman fool you--she’s full of fire and pluck! Whether you need a nice cup of prophetic coffee or a box of submachine gun ammunition, Polly’s ready to provide! Just don’t feed her crackers--especially since they cost $22 a box! But don’t worry; you can make that money back shaving.

Got an empty belly but an abundantly full wallet? Drop on over to the A&G Diner, where you can drop exuberant amounts of cash on delicious foodstuffs to keep your hunger and sleep meters topped off. You’ll need to keep those at a premium in Greenvale lest your health start to suffer. Realism’s where it’s at out in the country, my friend; you can’t just go without these indefinitely. At least not without a cup of joe in your stomach. Then you never need to sleep again! If only there were ways to keep one’s running stamina so well off. Local cop Emily knows the secret, but she’s not sharing. Rumor has it having big lungs helps…

We know you young’ins these days all always busy, busy, busy, which is why even without fancy iMacs and Twitfaces Greenvale caters to your need for convenient phones all about town. You can use them to keep in touch with your friends and tell them all about your adventures here, saving those warm memories for another day. We’ll even pay you to do it! Gotta get the word out about how our town could be considered a cult hit of sorts, heh heh.

Now, our town may look small, but it’s a bit more daunting than it appears thanks to a rather clumsy map we provide for visitors. Don’t shoot the messenger, folks; I didn’t do it! Haw! Unlike other towns, our map orients itself for the direction you’re facing; you’re always facing north, and the map shifts to accommodate you! Most other towns do the opposite, but here in Greenvale we like to have a sense of authenticity, even if it is cumbersome and can be a pain until you’re more acquainted with things.

But heck, we want ya to get acquainted, and the best way to do that is to zoom down our streets in your very own car! For the tourist on the go, make sure to stop on by Lysander’s Junkyard. He’ll fix you up with a personalized vehicle that is as unique in driving stats as it is in the music you’ll hear when flitting all about town! We want your experience here to be customized just for you! Just don’t be shocked when your car actually runs out of gas: as said, we strive for authenticity here in Greenvale! And that includes gas prices--yikes.

By the by, while we’re speaking of this town’s great music, need somewhere to socialize? Why not try the Galaxy of Terror? Don’t be afraid of the name; it’s just our local nightclub. Smooth jazz and other catchy tracks are always on showcase here in Greenvale for you to enjoy. It’s one of our biggest draws! The fantastic soundtrack is the heart and soul of this warm and inviting community.

And we are inviting. Ignore any crazy rumors you’ve heard about an axe-wielding maniac stalking the streets, dragging young women off to meet a visceral, gruesome end. Likewise, things like the rare giant dog monster on the streets at night or creepy humanoid demons begging for their death while trying to bring you to yours? Poppy-cock is all! Poppy-cock! That’s just local color is all! Even in the stories, these things are 95% of the time slow-moving and easily dealt with. Even if you have to put a clip’s worth of headshots into them, they wouldn’t be able to hurt you except in the rarest of cases. Why, you’ve got a steady aim and infinite pistol ammo anyway, don’t you, pal?

The biggest scare you’ll find here is in our resident Michelangelo-impersonate, Keith. He loves to tell ghost stories to the out-of-towners. And if those spoooooky stories really catch your ear, feel free to go exploring some ‘haunted’ sites. Just don’t get mad at us if you disappear and become the next scary story he tells! Just kidding!

Besides, if Greenvale were really so gripped by crime and monsters, could we get by with barely any police presence at all? Why, our peaceful little burg’s so quaint and wholesome that even the Sheriff has more time to work on pumping iron than catching crooks, and Officer Thomas got so bored filing cases--since there weren’t any--that he devised a wacky squirrel-themed locking system for it! That is when he isn’t fixing delicious snacks, of course.

Speaking of the fine officers of Greenvale, make sure to meet Emily during your stay. Remember her and her lungs from before? I bet you do! Now, just don’t be surprised if she arrests your heart when you meet in person! Why, this young lady is a shining beacon of light and purity and we’ll be gosh-darned if we don’t let you know this at every opportunity!

Now, if the stories of the Raincoat Killer and easily-killed demons roaming the town at night do get to you, feel free to pay Wesley a visit. Our gunsmith will be happy to set you up with a firearm or two. But never fear, if you’re low on cash there are plenty of other infinite ammo weapons to be found around Greenvale as well. Heck, we even leave one with the dog! That’s how unworried we are! The dog! But I suppose if you get one, you’d best get the strongest thing you can considering how weak even an assault rifle seems to hit around here! Even a marksman like you would probably need all the infinite ammo weapons he can find to deal with our tall tales.

Not that they exist! Nope, we’ve got ourselves a nice sleepy burg here, where you can kick back and relax with a round of fishing--just don’t be surprised if you catch a lot of boots!--maybe go for a checkpoint race about town, test that aim in a game of darts--we only play with dart guns here in Greenvale!--or partake in one of the town’s favorite activities: the trading card hunt!

Yes, intrepid scavengers and eagle-eyed persons have noticed that there are dozens and dozens of cards all over town that you can collect. They provide plenty of delightful trivia, but beware: you might not want to read them until you’re done with your time here in town. Wouldn’t want any skeletons getting out of the closet early! Wesley’s been after them for ages, and promises great rewards for anyone who can bring them to him.

But no matter what you do, you’ll find the best reward is simply experiencing time here in Greenvale. It’s a unique adventure to be had, and a rare one these days, I’d say! Don’t shy away from our being a bit rough around the edges or not having the spit-and-polish fancy-pants budget of a triple-A city. If you pay us a visit, we promise you won’t leave disappointed.


turducken's avatar
Community review by turducken (March 23, 2012)

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zippdementia posted March 23, 2012:

I have to give this credit for being creative and difficult to pull off. I don't know that it sells me on the game, but I'm glad you tried it out as a style.
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turducken posted March 24, 2012:

Yeah, I wrote it like that because it seems to be the only way I can get through writing reviews these days--weird gimmick styles.

On an unrelated note, are you the author (or were, I guess?) of that story/game over on Project Aon?
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zippdementia posted March 24, 2012:

Do you mean the Female Lone Wolf series? Yeah, that was me. I also did the boss battles for Lone Wolf.
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zippdementia posted March 25, 2012:

Any reason for the shout out, Turducken? Who are you over at the PA forums? I haven't been in a good long while.
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turducken posted March 26, 2012:

I'm nobody over there, I guess. Just a lurker. But I read through the FLW story and I'm a fan, so if it was you (names are similar, and I seem to remember some mention of an HG review over there at some point) I just wanted to give you some props on reworking a story so well while staying true to the original is all.
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zippdementia posted March 27, 2012:

Oh, well thank you! I appreciate the praise. I was truly sad when that game ended, I've never been able to run a game quite as dynamic. But the girl who was playing female Lone Wolf... me and her had a major falling out.
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overdrive posted March 28, 2012:

This was a nice review. Don't know if I want to PLAY this game, but I do want to read more about it. The review does a great job of giving the "local flavor" aspect of the game to make the characters and things around the town seem really interesting.

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