I meant to do this last year, but never got around to it. If I don't do it now, who knows if it will ever be done?
I've already posted my YEAR IN REVIEW but I thought it would be even less-humble to go back and talk about the 30 or so reviews I did prior to 2009.
All of my fan mail (notice the singular) convinced me that this, indeed, was what I should do.
LBP
So there's a second one coming out and that I don't really understand. That's like if they announced they were coming out with, I don't know... Legos 2.0. I guess they were called Bionicle and they had a TV Show and stuff. Whatev.
LBP was a game I am very exuberant about that I also never play. I don't know what that says about me.
Chrono Trigger
I used to think this was a terrible, over exuberant, review. Today looking at it, I don't think it's all that bad. Definitely it lacks a maturity of style, but really it raises good points about Chrono Trigger. I believe I hit it on the head by calling it a young adult epic. I think that explains both why it worked at the time and why it doesn't work for older people to try and pick up today.
Today I would probably go more in depth on the game's problems and try to pull apart the battle system in the manner I began here, but there's no denying that Chrono Trigger made an impact. I'm still finishing writing a 200+ page fan fiction about it. Been working on it for almost three years.
It's going well. Thanks for asking.
Mirror's Edge
I've said this about other reviews, but my Resolution version of this was better. Still, I have an incredible soft spot for this review as it was after this that Jason got in touch asking me to join the freelance team. I was more excited than I care to admit. I won't describe how I told all my friends and jumped around the house like an idiot for several hours. Except I just did.
If Aliens versus Predator was the biggest disappointment of 2010, than Mirror's Edge was the biggest disappointment of my gaming career (except for maybe Xenogears). I was ridiculously stoked for this game and, from the demo, it seemed to have so much to say.
I needn't deliver a punch line for this one. The game provides its own punchline. It's just not good.
Kingdom Hearts: RE to Sender
I am always amazed at how short this review is, considering I had an entire bizarre system of combat and world travel to explain.
This was the only PS2 game that, so far, has not run on my PS3. There's a glitch in the beginning where you can't get past (wait for it) the tutorial. That's irony. I was able to download a save file off the internet; first time I had to tinker about with my PS3 in such a manner. It was more fun than I thought it would be. The tinkering I mean... the game was about what I expected, having played the original.
Wii Sports
Yep. Zipp had gamefaq reviews, too. Maybe not as many as YOU but I had em. You can tell which they are because they still use headings.
I take back my line about Mirror's Edge being the biggest disappointment. The Wii was the biggest disappointment of my gaming career. I waited 17 hours in line for that system. It has never quite lived up to it, except maybe in the Metroid Prime Trilogy. Ah, the mere thought of that game makes me happy.
Iron Tank
And this was my first ROTW win! I think it was a bit of a steal, if I recall, because it was back in the day when we only had two or three reviews submitted each week. Believe me, the site has come a long way. I can't even imagine it back in '07.
PAIN
The title says it all. This was one of those bad games that keeps demanding your money. Frustrating to witness.
Legendary
Playing this was one of the most hilarious gaming experiences of my life. It was terrible. I believe I'm one of the only people to beat it on hard. I say this because the game is mindlessly broken on that difficulty. I mean there are stages where there is no way, conventionally, to survive. It's like they didn't test the game at all. I survived by finding and exploiting glitches, like hiding in parts of the room where, due to clipping issues, enemies couldn't hit me. It reminded me of the old NES days. Remember that Ninja Gaiden boss who couldn't hit you in a specific corner of the room?
Everyday Shooter
I'll never write a review like this again. I promise. Drug reviews are just... unoriginal.
Metal Gear Solid 4
This was the beginning of my reviewing career. It's actually not the first review I wrote. But it was the one that got starred on gamefaqs and got me an invite to Honest Gamers. I never would have been here if not for Jason liking this review.
Reading it now, I have to say I think it's one of my better reviews. But I think passion will do that. I was really pissed off at this game. Almost the biggest disappointment, but I'd already had Metal Gear Solid 2 to prove that Kojima's every other game sucks.
Assassins Creed I
Assassin's Creed I is much shittier than I make it sound. But no one cares now that the second game is out.
Linger in Shadows
My friend was really mad I didn't like this game. I'm thinking that maybe I would've been more impressed had I owned an HDTV at the time. My dad liked it a lot. I don't know... maybe I'll have to redownload it. But it's basically a tech demo you pay money to watch.
Dreamfall
Okay, maybe this was the biggest disappointment? Nah, I guess it was an alright game. It was just stupidly confusing. This and its sister review, Longest Journey, are two reviews I most want to rewrite. I think I have good (okay, GREAT) points in them but I didn't yet know how to make those points clear.
Alone in the Dark
Ah, the uber bash. Nothing else to say. My cat didn't really die. Not until later.
Far Cry 2
Now this one I want to go back and play. It didn't generate much buzz, so I'm inclined to think I wasn't remiss in dismissing it, but I WAS playing on an SD TV and that sucks. If there was one awesome thing about Far Cry 2, it was the graphics. I'd like to go back and check out those fire effects in HD.
Bionic ReArmed
"You know what?" is a phrase that keeps popping up in my writing, even today. It's a sign I'm a relaxed guy. That's kind of a lie, though, because I wasn't relaxed while writing this. Bionic Commando Rearmed is one of those games I'll never finish because it's too hard. And very stressful.
I should've gone into my history with the original. The original game TERRIFIED me as a child. I don't know why. It just scared the hell out of me. It was like playing a zombie game or something. Enemies popping in all over the place, threats of violence from Hitler clones... I don't know. It freaked me out. Of course, Final Fantasy IV freaked me out as a child, so...
Longest Journey
I can't talk about this game. I get too emotional. I should've just let it all come spilling out into my review. God I wish they'd rerelease this... on the MAC, this time. One of the best stories in video game history.
And I bought it randomly! On a whim! Knowing nothing about it but thinking I needed a good long game. Now THAT'S an example of an accurate title.
GTA:IV
Overrated game. Maybe an overrated genre. But then I just bought Red Dead Redemption so what do I know? Of course, that has cowboys and indians.
Zack and Wiki
You know, I wouldn't mind rebuying this one. A clever, quirky, little game. Not enough people played it. I hope someone read this review and bought the game. And liked it.
Xargon
I did this completely off memory to nab an X for the Alpha Marathon. That tournament corrupts writers.
Kingdom Hearts II
This was the first review I ever wrote. Ever. It was up (and still is, I think) on some random british gaming site which required all reviews to be near 2000 words. That's why it's so goddamn long.
Dirge of Cerberus
And this was the second review I ever wrote, though I went back and edited it massively two years ago. I remember someone saying that I had to be crazy for giving Dirge of Cerberus and MGS:4 the same score. They might be right. But I like to think that, even if I'm wrong, I'll apologize.
VR missions
... and this was the first contest piece I ever wrote, though I replaced it with something else. Mirror's Edge, I think. I had a lot more cheek back then. I even make fun of the site's sideline. That's actually making me chuckle right now... hopefully you feel the same.
Red Steel
I thought Red Steel was under-acknowledged until exactly two months ago when I played it again. It's horrible. It was under-acknowledged at the time, though.
Donkey Kong Jr.
Sarcasm'd all over myself.
Elevator Action
I meant to write reviews on all the bad games I downloaded off of the Virtual Channel (I had about 20 terrible games). At least I wrote this one.
XIII
This is my least read, and maybe my least liked, review of all time. I find a certain joy in watching every new review I write quickly pass this review's hit count, even though it's been around for a good three years longer. I think I like it because that level of un-read equals the level of un-play this game rightfully receives.
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overdrive - January 11, 2011 (12:12 PM) I'll never write a review like this again. I promise. Drug reviews are just... unoriginal. Not to mention, drug reviews ARE MY GIMMICK!!!! My legal team will be made aware of this. Unfortunately, my legal team currently consists of myself, two lazy cats and a crumpled napkin. |
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zippdementia - January 11, 2011 (12:40 PM) Of those, I do fear that napkin. |
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