Review Archives (All Reviews)

You are currently looking through all reviews for games that are available on every platform the site currently covers. Below, you will find reviews written by johnny_cairo and sorted according to date of submission, with the newest content displaying first. As many as 20 results will display per page. If you would like to try a search with different parameters, specify them below and submit a new search.

Available Reviews
	Ganryu review (NEO) Reviewed on May 05, 2007 The infuriatingly generic Ganryu manages to disappoint on every level. At its very core, one can only assume it is meant to be a nostalgic throwback to the 2D side scrolling ninja slice-a-thons of yore. Despite being made in 1999, it plays even worse than Shinobi did over a decade earlier, not to mention there are no bizarre 14-dimensional alien bosses or hi-tech tomfoolery, no relentless waves of enemies to fend off. Every aspect is stripped down to a uniform plain of vani...	1/5
	Sengoku 2 review (NEO) Reviewed on April 08, 2007 By the leather of my bootstraps, they've gone out and done it. SNK has made the first game totally according to surrealist principles, and if it were done today, John Romero would more or less be involved. It's never too late to drop the old dependable Daikatana joke, I say. Now, I'm not totally against throwing together a bunch of set-pieces and not even bothering to link them with a storyline. Today's subject, the conglomeration of virtual ejacu-late known as Sengoku 2 (which tr...	1.5/5
	Golgo 13: Top Secret Episode review (NES) Reviewed on March 29, 2007 You gotta love Duke Togo. As the stylishly attired and jaded looking spook meets his female handler in an airport lounge, she introduces herself as "Maria Lovelette" and we can only imagine her flirtatious giggle when Togo replies with an eloquent ellipsis. Going full steam ahead, she doles out exposition for a painfully long time before arriving at her point -- the entire Red Army is after Mr. Togo because he has been the victim of a gosh-awful frame-up as part of some byzantine conspiracy. The...	1/5
	Doom II: Hell on Earth review (PC) Reviewed on March 06, 2006 The Space Marines were never trained to battle the endless streams of hellspawn pouring through the interdimensional rift inside their Mars base. Doom told of exactly that. You're the last one, the very last Space Marine standing between the people of Earth and eternal damnation. What felt like a massacre before was merely a warm-up to nothing less than a full-blown war between good (you) and evil (them)! It's Hell on Earth, literally.	5/5
	Sword of the Samurai review (PC) Reviewed on March 02, 2006 The coward Kobayashi trembled at the sight of my gleaming blade. What's more, I told him, flat out to his face, that he was a pathetic wretch descended from a long line of dung haulers. A prouder samurai would not take such an obvious insult without a duel to the death, but not Kobayashi. His servants could only stare in disbelief at what was going on in this quaint garden teahouse. History was being made. My stoic glare cut deeper than any knife, yet internally I could barely contain my giddine...	5/5
	JFK Reloaded review (PC) Reviewed on February 04, 2006 Here's a buzzphrase we are all familiar with: "Murder Simulator". Remember all the political hubbub and the general brouhaha surrounding video games in America's tender Post-Columbine period? This phrase in particular was thrown around more than the others to show soccer moms how depraved little Billy's games have gotten lately. Games haven't gotten any cleaner, and poverty-row developers haven't gotten tired of deliberately courting controversy to secure free widespread ad campaigns for the...	0.5/5
	Time Crisis II review (ARC) Reviewed on June 11, 2005 They try to tell us in school that you can get a lot higher without drugs than with them. After my stint hanging out with the LSD-heads, sometimes stooping so low as to snort the gas from a Reddy Whip aerosol can, I can now confidently attest that what they told you in school actually was rooted in truth. Time Crisis II is my irrefutable proof.	4.5/5
	Max Payne review (MAC) Reviewed on May 21, 2005 The pallid light bursting from my Macintosh was the only thing my burning eyes were registering at this ungodly hour. It was 4 AM. This time belonged to the street urchins, the disease flowing through the bloodstream of this audibly dying monument to good old American ingenuity, know-how, and monstrous excess. It made my head spin just thinking about all the pests I had exterminated the past few days, with the help of two friends I kept very close to my side. In thigh holsters to be precise. The...	3/5
	Warrior Blade: Rastan Saga Episode III review (ARC) Reviewed on April 29, 2005 If this game were content to be called, unremarkably, Warrior Blade, it would not annoy me nearly as much. As it stands, the full name of this unremarkable beat-em-up is Warrior Blade: Rastan Saga Episode III, allegedly part of a trilogy no one remembers. If the other "Rastan Saga" entries were similar to this one, let us pause to give thanks that Taito did not wish to share them with their stupid rich gaijin buddies. I may be very alone in thinking this, but when a game wis...	2/5
	Driver review (PSX) Reviewed on April 23, 2005 Being an undercover cop sounds to me like a kind of mental torture, where I am always constantly paranoid that my identity shall be exposed at any moment and inspire the wrath of several Mr. Blonde types with Brooklyn accents, begging the question of why I worked for The Man in the first place. No thanks, I like having ears and all. For a badass like Tanner, an ex-racer/swinger/hustler cop, life is dull unless you're constantly holding on to life by the fingertips, and the best sensation in the ...	4.5/5
	Manhunt review (PS2) Reviewed on March 12, 2005 Death would have been a luxury for James Earl Cash, considering the hellish situation he was soon plunged into following his execution. He was a convict on Death Row, but that was so long ago, it hardly seemed necessary going into his past. Currently, he was cowering in the shadows like a cockroach while a band of street scum scoured the area, hurling threats and obscenities his way. Their baseball bats were strong enough to demolish concrete structures, and Cash was badly aching from one lucky ...	5/5
	Color a Dinosaur review (NES) Reviewed on February 20, 2005 Hi there, it's me, the grumpy old veteran gamer, using another medium to express my hatred towards the state of games post-1983. You know me, I'm the guy who goes to Goodwill when he wants a new game. I am wired on Vicodin during the day to treat my Carpal Tunnel-effected wrists. At night I can be found using my laptop, sprawled out on my bed because of a sudden urge to start a bidding war with some punk who will not lose the auction for a pristine Beta copy of Zork. Because it is an auth...	0.5/5
	Blood Bath review (MAC) Reviewed on February 13, 2005 If he had known it was going to be the last day of his life, Norbert Fitzsimmons wouldn't have gotten out of bed. On the way to his dead-end job at the State Institution for the Criminally Mentally Retarded, he pondered working on getting a GED in the hopes of someday making Manager at the Cheapo Music down the street. Before punching in, he chugged down the rest of the bourbon slug he prepared for breakfast; unsatisfying, but it had to do. Today was going to be an important day for the inmates ...	1/5
	Medal of Honor review (PSX) Reviewed on September 04, 2003 A scant few games offer you the chance to actually step into the ragged, crusty, filth-stained boots of a soldier and plunge directly into the heat of combat during the grittiest of them all: World War II. Sure, you have your Close Combat knock-offs and POW games like the cleverly named Prisoner of War that are just too ambitious for their own good. A conflict this terrible, this sprawling, this epic, require technically competent games to do it justice and avoid trivializing anything.	4.5/5
	Immoral Study - Reiko Shirakawa review (PC) Reviewed on August 23, 2003 It’s not easy being a professional pervert/rapist, and if anything Immoral Study #1 isn’t afraid to show us the ups and downs of this rewarding occupation. While not affording much room for advancement, the field attracts its fair share of egotistic weasels. Fortunately, Scoop Software has made a game that exposes the evils of rape and pedophilia and goes directly into the mind of a lecherous twit. Once we’re inside, there’s not much to do.	1/5
	True Love review (PC) Reviewed on August 23, 2003 Ah, high school! Four years of my life whittled away sleeping, snorting junk, and doing occasional paperwork. While such an environment might be stifling to your average teenage male’s sexual development, there is the exact opposite problem in Japan. Daisuke, our protagonist, attends an elitist private school, and he faces a rather unique crisis—all the girls he meets are young, foxy, and stacked, with very few exceptions. At the tender age of 18 he’s already been kicked out of his parents’ hous...	3.5/5

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