Exclusive Mighty Beanz review!
December 07, 2007

What follows is my own, let's say, non-serious take on a Mighty Beanz review. I think it's pretty clear that it can't be submitted officially anywhere, so I guess this is as close as it'll get to being published. It's been some time...

Investigation Report on Strange Videogame Addiction, by Agent Martlder


While in a MSN Messenger conversation, I heard the name Mighty Beanz for the first time. Upon further inquiry, I obtain the following information:

Sparky says:
It's this fucking awful puzzle game that we can't stop playing

Mart says:
so it's bad yet addictive? like phone-shopping adverts? :-O

Sparky says:

*clears lv 11*

Sparky says:
We’ve both nothing but play since it started

Sparky says:
Now we can’t stop. EVER.

A case of addiction where the victims don’t actually get any reward from giving in to their temptation? That’s most surely a Y-File (where Y stands for You Love It). I must know more.


Determined to find the roots of this mind-controlling dilemma, I got myself a copy of Mighty Beanz, and played it. I must say the results did not match my expectations. I find this game to be visually unpleasant, with a heavy dose of dubious taste in all its aesthetics. Apparently the only aim of the game is to match the halves of oval-shaped children toys, referred to as beanz within the game, within a given amount of time. A more exhaustive examination shows that one half hardly ever keeps a recognizable visual coherence with its other half, an important obstacle for the users who aim to put them together. All this happens in front of a background of one single shade of colour. I fail to see any kind of attraction to this game, neither objectively nor personally. I will resume my investigation tomorrow, in case different circumstances alter my playing experience.


I fear my quest for the truth might lead me to perdition, for I believe I am beginning to discern what my friends warned me about. As a reasonably cultured person I am forced to reaffirm that all my preliminary judgements about Mighty Beanz have proven to be even more accurate than I initially expected, but for some reason I’ve played it for a full hour today. I would be lying if I said scientific research was the only thing that drove me to play level after level only to see which new pieces I got. I have openly talked about my affection towards certain puzzle games in the past, but that doesn’t explain why I’m playing this one. I must take some time to contemplate, try to get what’s going on with this thing before playing it more.


I’ve played another half a dozen levels today. The beanz drawings are all exceptionally ugly, and the few times I actually know what they’re supposed to represent, the other half doesn’t match that theme at all. If you see a beanz half that is completely black, how would you think the lower half is? Black? Well, it’s brown and green with a blue tie. As if looking at these awful visual design wasn’t painful enough, you’re supposed to do it extra carefully to make sure you’re looking for the correct match for your piece, not that other piece that so far has failed to look any different to the one you’re searching but clearly won’t match with your current one. Oh wait, I saw a difference, here’s a tiny one-pixel-wide blue line here that isn’t in there. The music isn’t of any help at all –it’s overly loud and electronic, as if a drunken mermaid was messing with a jukebox in the depths of the ocean. Said inebriated fantasy creature could very well have drawn all the nauseatingly ugly beanz, too, which would need to be even more pixelated than they currently are to become tolerable to human sight. However, I keep playing, level after level, with a slight pleasure, even though I’m aware of its deep and unforgiveable flaws and manifest a clear repugnance towards its graphics. WHY??


It’s now clear that playing Mighty Beanz provides me pleasure. I can feel as my whole persona is split in two –my former self, and my new identity as a Beanz follower. My former personality tells me those dozens of undistinguishable beanz should be considered “Aesthetic Terrorism”. My new self tells me I must match them all with their respective halves. Part of me wants to turn this game off, throw the cartridge to the dumpster (never mind that I borrowed it), and then set fire to the the whole thing; part of me wants to collect yet another rare beanz to add to my collection. My skeptic, cynical, irritably rational former self would say many cunning hateful things to the deity my new self calls Master, the game commonly referred to as Mighty Beanz.


My previously cherished individuality is no longer appreciated, as I bow my head to blend in with the soothing uniformity of the myriads of different beanz. My carefully developed intelect is now but an obsticle to my limitless debotion to this cool game. Ill keep matching ‘n matchin’ beanz after beanz, to get teh coolets rare peeces of da gaim an showe me frends that im so much gooder htan their lol omg i luv this game s0 mucch lolol one mor lvl plz

Most recent blog posts from Martin G...

espiga espiga - December 07, 2007 (01:09 PM)
I vote this gets next week's RotW.
siara79 siara79 - December 07, 2007 (01:13 PM)

You do realize that next time you get a package, there may be a bean or two hiding inside.. :P

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