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Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em review

Game: Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em
Platform: Atari 2600
Genre: Action
Developer: Mystique

Reader review by JoeTheDestroyer

September 30, 2011

Yummy, yummy, yummy
I've got love in my tummy
And I feel like a-lovin' you
Ohio Express

When playing games in the age of Atari 2600, your imagination told the story. I can only imagine, though I'd rather not, the kinds of stories that Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em had produced. What material you had to work with! Here we have two buxom babes, both suffering from cerebral palsy, prancing naked around the town. They catch the attention of a man on a mission, armed with a weapon of impressive girth. Bent on discharging his firearm in public, he fires tiny projectiles down upon the disabled hookers, both of which are dying to show their bullet-catching trick.

As much fun as you would have had playing a public masturbator, you actually take control of the two women. Summoning the utmost of your Atari paddle talent, you must guide our two heroines as they catch every last drop of man chowder, which our man above fires erratically across the screen. Each drop is worth a point, and every sixty-nine drops nabs you an extra life.

To this day, I'm still confused as to what Mystique's/Playaround's selling point was: audacity or novelty. It surely wasn't sex appeal, because nothing screams sexy about horribly mangled women trying to catch yellow liquid secreted by ET in a blond toupee trying to choke out a tape worm.

Let's forget for a moment that blocky nudity comprises our presentation and look at the raw gameplay. Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em hits two points effectively: it's fast-paced and it's simple. Moving the ladies requires precision, which is a bona fide Atari skill. As levels advance, the pace quickens and you move more frantically to catch the last droplets. Unfortunately, Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em suffers the same fault that Custer's Revenge does. Before long, the speed picks up so much that you're reduced to twisting the paddles mindlessly and hoping that you happen to catch all the drops. At that point you're no longer truly playing the game.

Now toss one more complication into the mix: the controls are a tad over-responsive. Even during slow trickles, you'll miss a drop by overshooting it. It adds to the frustration, demeans the fun, and cheapens the experience. On a platform where games were supposed to be simple and addictive, mucking up something like control response can make a huge difference. It's because of this that Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em isn't worth playing. Never mind the silly premise.

I realize, though, that there are some of you who will not heed my warning. You'll figure, "Hey, it's a free download. What's the harm?" I can't argue with that, but those who must play Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em as it was intended to be played will be left with the sourest of tastes in their mouths. The lack of accessibility works against it; there's nothing remotely interesting about Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em that justifies digging up a legit copy. Please, click off eBay and get on with your life.

Good Idea:
Tracking down an Atari 2600 with working paddles.

Bad Idea:
Tracking down an Atari 2600 with working paddles so you can properly play Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em.

Rating: 2/10

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