8000+ Reviews Since 1998!
 |
Staff review by
Jason Venter 
August 27, 2011
I’m not sure that I’d ever played anything quite like Rock of Ages before this weekend. As my wife watched my struggling through one of the game’s late stages, she surprised me by commenting that it looked a lot like Marble Madness.“I guess you could say that,” I agreed, pleasantly surprised that she even knew the name of Midway’s ode to a blue marble. My influence has clearly made her a better person.
I was too busy rolling toward my computer opponent’s fortress to explain to my wife that while her comparison was fine as far as it went, it doesn’t really do Rock of Ages complete justice. Marble Madness never had a tower defense element, and it never had a sense of humor as twisted as what you’ll find in Ace Team’s latest release. I like to think that I would remember it if Midway let me squish the War Pope with a giant stone ball, and I’m positively convinced that I would have remembered it if he screamed like a little girl just before meeting his demise.
The frequently juvenile sense of humor is one of the first things that you’ll notice and possibly appreciate as you play Rock of Ages. I’m hesitant to elaborate too much because part of the fun comes from seeing what happens next. A broad plot synopsis is that you are a huge boulder known as the Rock of Ages and you are rolling around Europe. As you move from one destination to the next, time passes and you duel with new historic figures or occasionally defeat a boss monster. There’s very little proper dialog at all, aside from some subtle-as-a-fart references to “The Lord of the Rings” and “300.” A lot of the humor makes almost no sense at all, frankly, unless you are up on your historical figures. If that’s the case, then the awkwardly-animated character portraits are a hoot. There’s something about the classical music playing in the background that makes every fart and splat resonate more effectively. Playing the game is not entirely unlike watching an episode of “Robot Chicken.”
The persistent silliness is supplemented nicely by a unique mix of action and strategy elements. A given round begins with the human hero locked in a fortress on one side of the map while his antagonist is sequestered in a similar structure on the map’s opposite edge. Between those two points, on the high ground, there are two mines. Your followers feverishly work to fashion a large stone boulder that you will then guide as it rolls down the slope and toward your enemy’s fortress. You try to avoid taking damage so that you retain as much of your mass as possible and can break through your foe’s gate when you arrive. The effort will require a few hits--typically three, if you don’t suck and haven’t purchased upgrades--before you can finally obliterate the gate and squish the historical figure that waits just beyond it. Meanwhile, that pompous fool is trying to do the same thing to you!
“You just lost again,” my wife commented when she heard the telltale raspberry that marks the pleasing conclusion to each battle. She was right despite not even watching the screen.
“It makes the fart sound whether you win or lose,” I noted sourly.
“Yes, but you lost.”
I wanted to tell her to go play Marble Madness or something, but instead I got better at the game and I began paying more attention to the moments between rolls. As you wait for your followers to fashion another stone, you are expected to make the approach to your fortress more difficult for your foe. At first, there are only a few stupid options, like wooden shacks and cows that make a pitiful attempt to steer incoming stones off-course. As you progress through the game, options expand until eventually you can create mines that generate revenue (the better to purchase new goodies between subsequent rounds), armored elephants, fans, barrels of dynamite and so forth.
That’s a neat little twist on what otherwise might be a straightforward game, but I was disappointed when I eventually realized that success in Rock of Ages has little to do with how well you place traps, at least in the single-player campaign. While it can be worth your while to place obstacles for your foe (if you get especially lucky over the course of three runs, you’ll knock away enough of him that he has to make a fourth run and you practically win by default), victory ultimately comes down to whoever is best at racing through each course. Traps along the paths do very little to slow down either contestant.
Rock of Ages also disappoints with flaky controls and epic load times.
When I first started playing I was disgusted by how often my unresponsive boulder would merrily roll off the edge of a platform and to its doom at nearly every opportunity, despite otherwise moving sluggishly. I realize that the laws of physics and momentum explain some of that, but we’re talking about a game where a two-ton ball of stone can jump from a standstill, where fans can elsewhere blow it swiftly to the side even if it is barreling down a steep slope like a locomotive. Sometimes, the inconsistency and the sluggish controls are just a little bit too much. Then in tower defense mode, the sluggishness evaporates. Cursor movement is so touchy that it’s almost impossible to make minor adjustments and position two items right next to one another on the grids that allow for trap deployment.
By the end of the game, though, I had grown accustomed to the control quirks and I was able to reserve nearly all of my ire for the load times. You have to wait at least 30 seconds between each attempt at a battle, whether you decide to “retry” partway through a stage or wait until completely failing one. There’s no way of shortening the delay, even though the entire game occupies less than 600MB on your hard drive. It’s really a pity.
Don’t let such complaints discourage you from trying the game if you’re interested in its concept, though. Rock of Ages plays wonderfully much of the time and represents a great value despite its odd quirks. Perhaps the best part is that, in addition to the unique single-player campaign and a time trial mode that lets you practice each stage, the developers also included the option to challenge a friend to either local (bravo!) or online battles and SkeeBoulder events. With gameplay this fresh and interesting, I can easily imagine myself wasting countless hours squishing all of my online friends with my own personal Rock of Ages. I bet they’ll scream like little girls.
|
|
|
|
More Reviews by Jason Venter
|
|
 |
Quackshot Starring Donald Duck (Genesis)
Although the various equipment available had the potential to facilitate a rousing adventure that could have offered a true sense of exploration, most stages ar... |
 |
Fortune Street (Wii)
Before you begin a game, you can choose to play using either “Easy” rules or the “Standard” set. The latter is definitely the way to go, even if it comes with a... |
 |
SimCity (PC)
Social features bring something different to the new SimCity formula, but you might wish Maxis had left things well enough alone. |
If you enjoyed this Rock of Ages review, you're encouraged to leave feedback and talk about it with members of the site's community. You don't even need an HonestGamers account to get involved in the discussion. Please remember to keep your comments respectful and on-topic or they may be deleted by a moderator. Thank you for your understanding!
comments powered by Disqus
Info | Help | Privacy Policy | Contact | Advertise | Links
© 1998-2013 HonestGamers
None of the material contained within this site may be reproduced in any conceivable fashion without permission from the author(s) of said material. This site is not sponsored or endorsed by Nintendo, Sega, Sony, Microsoft, or any other such party. Rock of Ages is a registered trademark of its copyright holder. This site makes no claim to Rock of Ages, its characters, screenshots, artwork, music, or any intellectual property contained within. Opinions expressed on this site do not necessarily represent the opinion of site staff or sponsors.
None of the material contained within this site may be reproduced in any conceivable fashion without permission from the author(s) of said material. This site is not sponsored or endorsed by Nintendo, Sega, Sony, Microsoft, or any other such party. Rock of Ages is a registered trademark of its copyright holder. This site makes no claim to Rock of Ages, its characters, screenshots, artwork, music, or any intellectual property contained within. Opinions expressed on this site do not necessarily represent the opinion of site staff or sponsors.