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Custer's Revenge review

Game: Custer's Revenge
Platform: Atari 2600
Genre: Action
Developer: Mystique

Reader review by JoeTheDestroyer

December 01, 2010

Glad your knife was sharp when you stabbed my back
So it can be used against you when I strike back
You'll never see me coming - My revenge
-Cheap Sex

Words cannot sufficiently describe the look on my face as I loaded Custer's Revenge and beheld General Custer running across the screen to meet his fair Native American maiden, his red bandanna streaming horizontally behind him as he charged with all the might his raging libido and lust for vengeance and deep moisture could allow. Several peach-colored pixels stacked in a diagonal line made up a ridiculously large johnson wagging in front of him. And on the far right stood the maiden fair, her back arched with her amazingly large breasts pointing outward. The woman appeared to be part ostrich and sporting a black Caesar cut. Not the kind of girl you'd think Ol' Custer would shag, but maybe he digs girls that are rough around the edges. Arrows fly, trying to kill our nude hero, but he persists and reaches his goal. He leaps out of his boots and inserts. Fun was had by few.

It wasn't fear I felt, or disgust, or even hysteria. Instead, it was complete desensitization. It meant that no amount of wild pixilated sex was going to have an effect on me from then on. It was this game that allowed me to view titles like Sex Games on C64 and its bisexual segment without a hint of emotion.

We're lead to believe Custer's Revenge is funny and sexy, that there's something tantalizing about this forbidden lust between a man and his enemy or funny about its rabid political incorrectness. Really, it looks more like Robert Englund knocking boots with Moe Howard. That scratches sexy. There was supposed to be some level of subversive hilarity here, and there most certainly was. That kind of element doesn't carry a game, and wears thin within seconds. Some might look on in shock at what could be taken as a racists or misogynistic statement, and others might laugh in that horrible forbidden way, but most everyone will be bored before they go past their second or third run.

That's assuming they they play for that long.

Robert Loves Moe isn't difficult. Unlike many pornographic games on Atari 2600, it actually tries to have something along the lines of difficulty. It tries to feature an aspect of simple, addictive gameplay, yet does not rise to such a goal. Not by a long shot. You guide Custer across the screen toward the homely Native American woman. Arrows fall from the sky represented by diagonal lines. Having one hit Custer will cut his nookie session short. When he reaches the far right, it's time to mash that fire button. Each button press brings him closer to..... a high score. Gain enough points and it's on to the next level. Advancing to a new level means playing the previous level at a higher speed.

Mystique did not sufficiently divide attention between gameplay and stability. This is evident in the other gameplay element that does not involve screwing: dodging arrows. It's difficult to tell at what position you need to be in relation to the arrow in order to dodge it. Sometimes they will land right on your head and yet you will survive. Other times they land next to your head and yet you die. There seems to be more luck involved than actual strategy. It's also very unbalanced as to how many arrows will fly. Sometimes very few arrows will fall, and other times it will be raining arrows.

Rather than finding ways to make the game more difficult, Mystique sped the game up. That's it. It makes the game more difficult, but now it goes from passable to ridiculous. Dodging arrows becomes even more based on chance than skill, especially while getting it on. An arrow will come right for you while you're doing it, and at high speeds you get very little time to respond. In other words, expect to die a lot after the first stage.

Custer's Revenge was not made to be rated like any other. It was supposed to offend and make a few people chuckle. It succeeds there, but such an aspect leaves the rest feeling like empty development. It's not just that this game is boring to play, but it's a complete waste of time. Custer's Revenge is worth taking a peek if only to have your curiosity satisfied. That's about it.

Rating: 2/10

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