Ads are gone. We're using Patreon to raise funds so we can grow. Please pledge support today!
Google+   Facebook button  Twitter button 
3DS | DS | PS3 | PS4 | PSP | VITA | WII | WIIU | X360 | XB1 | All
Muscle March (Wii) artwork

Muscle March (Wii) review


"You've likely seen the trailer for this game on a video website. You know, the one where a bunch of confusing sequences are tossed in your face while weird J-Pop music plays in the background? And there was this highly enthusiastic Japanese announcer constantly shouting, throwing in a few Engrish words every so often. I'm sure some of you blocked it out of your mind, but there were also a ton of happy, muscly men in thongs. One was sporting a killer mohawk. Another was wearing a top hat. There w..."



You've likely seen the trailer for this game on a video website. You know, the one where a bunch of confusing sequences are tossed in your face while weird J-Pop music plays in the background? And there was this highly enthusiastic Japanese announcer constantly shouting, throwing in a few Engrish words every so often. I'm sure some of you blocked it out of your mind, but there were also a ton of happy, muscly men in thongs. One was sporting a killer mohawk. Another was wearing a top hat. There was even one with a baby chick relaxing on his fro! Bewilderment was had by all when the trailer ended, even more so when it was revealed to be a Wii title. Reactions were obviously mixed; some thought it looked like a really stupid game, while others thought it looked like a really stupid game... that they had to play.

Can you guess which group I was in?

Well, believe it or not, the trailer captured the spirit of the game very well. You'll receive a splattering of bizarre imagery that acts as your surroundings while you dive into the world of Muscle March. In fact, there's so much junk going on, that I had to watch videos in order to make out what's going on! Ballerinas dance in offices, businessmen walk out of elevators with horses, samurai battle tanuki, swans chill at space stations, and old space men jump around on pogo sticks. This is just a small portion of the mayhem, too. I guess Namco (yes, Namco) thought you needed this extra serving of random insanity, since the actual mechanics of play consist of running through walls, striking a pose to match the appearance of the destroyed structure created by the thieves that repeatedly steal your protein jar. Simple stuff, really.

That's it?

That's it.

As you travel farther into each location of the game, the pace picks up, though, forcing you to react much quicker than before to avoid hitting the walls with incorrect poses. It adds a degree of challenge in Muscle March as you chase after football players, space aliens with silly glasses, imps, and robots, however, you can only go so far with such an easy gimmick before it gets old. The developers could have thought up some variations to the formula so that it could be stretched out a little longer, but they took a different approach, and that's where...

The Horror of Muscle March begins!


Each area has three stages, and in every final stage, you're up against Mech Muscle, a weird muscle thief in tight, blue latex. The stages start off like the others, picking up in speed as you get closer and closer to his tight ass. When you're right behind him, though, is when the nightmare begins. He'll start hauling it at unimaginable speeds, you'll crash into walls nearly nonstop, and before you know it, you'll be at the continue screen. You think you can improve, that you can eventually capture Mech Muscle. But you keep failing. Every. Single. Time.

This was Namco's solution for "replayability", to make every last stage insanely hard in an attempt to keep gamers playing.

It was a very stupid decision.

Now, it's possible to defeat Mech Muscle, as I've managed to do it with one life left before, but it hinges more on extreme luck than actual skill, sadly. Even then, some of the wall pose placements are nasty, especially on the space station area where some happen during turns, and you won't be able to see them until the very last second.

You know what's funny? Mech Muscle can be beaten a much easier way, thanks in part to something Namco overlooked: You can win by pausing the game. What do I mean? Well, by entering the pause menu, you can get a quick glimpse of the pose you're supposed to perform right before going in. Furthermore, you can strike a pose before leaving the pause menu, and when the action resumes, you're already in the stance!

...

Every time I view the credits, I'm just in awe that so many people were involved in developing this... mess. I mean, there's two friggin directors! Two!

*sobs*

Rating: 2/10

pickhut's avatar
Community review by pickhut (October 31, 2010)

At first, PickHut thought the x-ray kills in V2, while cool, felt a little cartoony. Then he saw the x-ray kills in Sniper Elite III...

More Reviews by pickhut
Sniper Elite V2 (Xbox 360) artwork
Sniper Elite V2 (Xbox 360)

Karl Fairburne 2.0: allergic to headgear.
Sniper Elite (Xbox) artwork
Sniper Elite (Xbox)

Karl Fairburne: survived WWII Berlin, Germany despite having to deal with soldiers seeing through solid matter.
Gradius Galaxies (Game Boy Advance) artwork
Gradius Galaxies (Game Boy Advance)

Well, I've made a horrible decision: Galaxies encapsulates nearly everything that makes it tough for me to scribble down a coherent Gradius review nowadays.

Feedback

If you enjoyed this Muscle March review, you're encouraged to discuss it with the author and with other members of the site's community. If you don't already have an HonestGamers account, you can sign up for one in a snap. Thank you for reading!

You must be signed into an HonestGamers user account to leave feedback on this review.

Info | Help | Privacy Policy | Contact | Links

eXTReMe Tracker
© 1998-2014 HonestGamers
None of the material contained within this site may be reproduced in any conceivable fashion without permission from the author(s) of said material. This site is not sponsored or endorsed by Nintendo, Sega, Sony, Microsoft, or any other such party. Muscle March is a registered trademark of its copyright holder. This site makes no claim to Muscle March, its characters, screenshots, artwork, music, or any intellectual property contained within. Opinions expressed on this site do not necessarily represent the opinion of site staff or sponsors.