You're used to being surrounded by comfort down here. Surrounded by friends, surrounded by family, protected by laws. Out in space you've got nothing. Nobody watching your back, no ground under your feet, and only a few inches of metal separating you from the vacuum. One wrong step, one bad jump, and if you aren't careful you'll find yourself all alone surrounded by murderous space chickens.
But chicken pirates are the least of your worries; they at least will keep their word. You might come away from the meeting a little poorer, but you'll still be alive. Other times you might not be so lucky.
Don't let their adorable facade fool you; penguins are bloodthirsty little bastards that would just as soon nuke you as give you the time of day. If you run into a flock of these nasties, you just have to load your missile tubes and pray.
Fights work differently up there than they do on the ground. They way you're used to it, it's the guy with the biggest gun and the thickest armor that comes away the winner, isn't that right? Not so out in space. Any warship is heavily armored on the front, sides, and top. Charge your enemy with guns blazing and you might slip a few hits in, but most of your shots will bounce harmlessly off. Sneak around behind them, though, and you can fire a few missiles into the weaker aft armor.
But the biggest mistake space rookies make is they're stuck thinking in two dimensions. That'll get you killed. Most chickens and penguin bandits will try to slip underneath your ship and fire a salvo into your flimsy underbelly, scoring even more damage than attacks from the rear.
Keep adjusting your pitch, roll and yaw to keep your underside away from the bad guys, while still trying to accomplish the same. Agility, not brute force, is the key. With one exception.
Ships with beams have short range, but can punch through armor easy. If you find yourself facing down a Beam Frigate or a Dreadnaught, dance around it and keep shooting.
But the good news is, as long as you aren't an idiot and tread carefully you can stay alive. Most times you can talk or trade your way out of a fight, and despite all the things out there trying to kill you there are a few moments of peace you'll find in your travels.
Flamingos will charge you an arm and a leg, but they'll trade any one cargo item for two you've got. Befriend the Rastafarian cats and they'll come back around to help you out. Space hippos and derelict cruisers add firepower to your flotilla, and winning a karaoke competition will net you some new equipment - though not everyone will congratulate you on your new title.
If you can last long enough, you might build up a flotilla that can challenge the mightiest Cervidian battle group and earn you fame and recognition throughout the sector. But if you're like me you might not have that long. Yeah...I can tell just by looking, you've got that Coldsaurian flu same as me. We'll both be dead in a couple of months, I bet. But we've got until then to make a name for ourselves.
I should get going; I'm meeting a pair of toucans who say they've got a treasure map. Think about what I've said, flatlander. Maybe I'll see you out there.
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