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Castlevania II: Simon's Quest review

Game: Castlevania II: Simon's Quest
Platform: NES
Genre: Adventure
Developer: Konami

Staff review by Sho

October 27, 2009

Much like the Satanic summoning circle of Dracula's dark priests, Simon's Quest certainly conjures up a lot of memories.

There's the worn signage and crumbling brick of villages that tower over intricate catwalks of staircases, a setting so vividly recreated when it was put to the torch in Dracula X. There are the nocturnal treks through thick forestry in pursuit of bouncing werewolves and suspicious ferrymen who'll take you "someplace good," or the skeletons forlornly hanging in chains beneath the bowels of haunted mansions. And of course, a classic compilation of music that was even enhanced over the original disk release: the now legendary chords of "Bloody Tears" that accompany your travels, the less celebrated but similarly excellent "Silence of Daylight" in town, and that spine-tingling tune upon finally stepping into the ruined halls of Castlevania itself.

What you won't recall, however, are any memories of the classic Castlevania gameplay, because instead of building on its predecessor's formula the sequel flies off in a radical new direction, not unlike a hungry (and blind) vampire bat. Those familiar little hearts are now used for purchasing whip upgrades and cryptic items rather than feeding an endless array of sub-weapons, and rather than traversing discrete stages Simon sets out from the center of a labyrinthine countryside teeming with countless branches. For the first and only time in the series you'll also experience the cycle between dusk and dawn, as while trudging through its poisonous marshes and scenic cemeteries the land is frequently plunged into an eerie darkness following the iconic pronouncement "What a horrible night to have a curse."

A horrible night, indeed.

It has since been established that Dracula can only be resurrected once every century, but apparently the cagey Count discovered a loophole this time out, having fatally cursed our hero during their previous encounter with his nosferatu necro-hoodoo. Hence if Simon wishes to avoid joining the ranks of ungrateful dead he'll have to gather up his fallen enemy's dismembered body parts, which for some reason have been scattered far and wide across Transylvania, just so he can reanimate the vengeful vampire and then stake that goddamned bathead all over again. All those constant failed rebirths coupled with schemes like this are what lead me to suspect the Prince of Darkness isn't aiming for world domination so much as he simply loves to screw with the Belmondo clan.

Unfortunately it turns out that Konami's design team also wanted to screw with their audience, for our hero's quest somehow manages to be both ridiculously easy and just plain ridiculous. It's well documented that the Japanese consider us to be veritable gaming supermen, and yet there's virtually no challenge to be found in any of the whip-cracking combat, whether by the fleeting light of day or when all the nastier monsters creep out under the evening moon. The mansions containing Dracula's bits are equally simple affairs compared to the cunningly crafted palaces of Zelda II, even if you have to first track down a stake-peddling merchant before you can nab the occult organ, and instead rely on cheap trickery like invisible pitfalls that force you to lob vials of holy water over every floor tile to see if they pass clear through to the depths below. Signature bosses like the dreaded Grim Reaper are similarly insubstantial, as the scythe-wielding skeleton just idly floats around his chamber in the hopes you'll mistake him for a levitating cloak rack.

The true challenge of Simon's Quest is attempting to wrap your brain around its frankly absurd collection of puzzles. In the very first mansion it's necessary to equip the otherwise useless white crystal in order to reveal a moving platform, but at no point does the game decide to share this little tidbit with you. Such situations are merely par for the course; should your journeys later come to a screeching halt upon reaching a seeming dead end, it's because you're expected to conjure up a tornado from thin air by kneeling there for several seconds despite the local townsfolk counseling you to "hit Deborah Cliff with your head to make a hole." All their "helpful" dialogue ranges from flagrant lies to outright insanity; shortly after deciphering that "a magic potion will destroy the wall of evil" is a needlessly cryptic reference to those little bottles of holy water, you'll be provided with gems like this one:

Despite my considerable efforts to the contrary, this mausoleum-dwelling mallard was nowhere to be found. Perhaps it was devoured by zombies.
This is either the crappiest translation in 8-bit history or a fiendishly clever plot to foist subscriptions to NINTENDO POWER upon precocious vampire-hating youths who were subsequently scarred for life by that awesome cover in which our hero clutches Dracula's severed but eternally undying head for all to see. [Warning: Simon's Crotch.] And speaking of awesome covers, the one on the game box is a blatant rip-off of Clyde Caldwell's painting for the legendary Dungeons & Dragons module Ravenloft; they simply changed the vampire lord's face and added in a blond, bulging Belmondo. One can only hope he was suitably compensated for this, since Konami obviously didn't shell out any cash for enemy AI, play testing, or English lessons. Sadly, the second saga of Simon is one stroll down memory lane that will only cause you to stumble.

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