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Bazooka Cafe (PC) artwork

Bazooka Cafe (PC) review


"Bazooka Cafe seems like a strange moniker for either a video game or a restaurant. Once you see the racks on these women, though, even a howitzer sounds like a huge understatement. When Hideyuki Mizuno leaves the corporate world behind to take over his ailing father's eatery, he doesn't know anything about the biz, but he is excited to uphold the most important reputation of the establishment. All the waitresses must be stacked. Yes, this adults-only adventure was designed with a spec..."



Bazooka Cafe seems like a strange moniker for either a video game or a restaurant. Once you see the racks on these women, though, even a howitzer sounds like a huge understatement. When Hideyuki Mizuno leaves the corporate world behind to take over his ailing father's eatery, he doesn't know anything about the biz, but he is excited to uphold the most important reputation of the establishment. All the waitresses must be stacked. Yes, this adults-only adventure was designed with a specific type of perv in mind, one that's a fan of absolutely massive mounds on his anime girls.

You also have to be a fan of adultery, at least to enjoy one particular scenario. Cafe Ariel (the formal title of the restaurant) begins with only one employee, a blonde, dark-skinned foreigner named Cocoa. She worked her way through college at the cafe, back when our hero was still in high school. He had a crush on her then, and his tender feelings have not quite faded. Especially since she still teases him daily, even though she's married to some dumpy professor now. However, this blow softens as a steady stream of old acquaintances show up requesting employment. First and foremost is Mitsuki, a boisterous coworker from his company days. The pink-haired troublemaker unabashedly declares her intention to win Hideyuki's hand in marriage. That doesn't go over too well with Narumi, his prideful ex-girlfriend. Her family runs the local kendo dojo, so she will not withdraw without a potentially violent fight. Even his former boss drops by to help out. Her name's Yayoi, and she is an ambitious, capable executive who just can't let her subordinate go.

This handful of zealous admirers would make a perfect recipe for drama, but Bazooka Cafe is strictly a comedy dish. Mitsuki and Narumi form a heated rivalry, mainly because the ex is adorably jealous of this new girl's audacity. Their best clashes revolve around endless supplies of alcohol, where the loser winds up unconscious, drooling on the table. Cocoa and Yayoi are more mature in comparison. At the times they happen to appear at Hideyuki's door late at night, only backhanded comments fall from their mouths. Yet, the tension never boils over. The hijinks are more likely to focus on individual events, like Mitsuki's ineptitude in the kitchen or Yayoi's latest scathing assessment of the cafe's business operations. In fact, when it comes down to choosing a single mate, the rejected girls graciously accept defeat, and coalesce in support of the victorious couple.

The process of reaching that goal maintains the nonconfrontational theme. The more common structure for these adventure games is a decision tree, where choices send a player down increasingly divergent paths. Bazooka Cafe utilizes a linear route peppered with voluntary stops. For example, Narumi may reluctantly come begging for a favor. You can oblige her and watch the skit that follows, or you can decline and proceed to the next opportunity. Only four options, out of sixteen total, pit one woman's interests directly against another's, and these predictably determine which of the four proper endings you achieve. Each conclusion comprises the second half of the game on its own, but it contains no choices at all. There is no chance to shape the flimsy narrative beyond who to accept, just a minimally bumpy approach to a joyous resolution.

The simple strategy is to make sure Hideyuki never blows off the girl you like, because she'll eventually blow back... in bed. Though for a game that seems to focus on one particular body part, the sex scenes roam to other areas of the anatomy. Full hips, wide behinds, thick thighs, puffy lips... the features necessary to support mountainous cleavage receive an equal share of attention. After you've selected a particular lover, the pictures fill the screen two at a time, coming in quick succession until a total of seven encounters are complete. Yayoi's dirty talk is alluring, and all the voice acting, even in a language you can't understand, is more erotic than the matter-of-fact transcription of the subtitles. It needs that spice, because Bazooka Cafe depicts intercourse at the center of normalcy.

The freakiness only emerges in the harem scenario that climaxes in an orgy with all the characters. But that's actually a separate program with no gameplay elements, a bonus application called the Valentine's Day Special. Its translation and inclusion in this package show a tremendous commitment to the fans by those behind the G-Collections publishing brand. Bazooka Cafe just is not the most worthwhile target for their effort. This unspectacular game survives solely on its niche appeal. For those with a fetish for big boobs, this title is specifically for you.

Rating: 6/10

woodhouse's avatar
Community review by woodhouse (May 26, 2008)

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