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Idols Galore! (PC) review"Then, quite suddenly and also improbably, Kuro decides to have sex with his assistant (whom he has been neglecting). This triggers a series of sexual encounters that occur almost non-stop for the next hour or so, until the game ends. So, to recap: you start playing and see almost nothing, get really bored, then get a mind-numbing rush of nudity toward the end that almost takes away any of the enjoyment." |
People play hentai games for one reason: cartoon boobies. Certainly, they’re not playing for the plot or the characters; those are almost always the same from one game to another, even if names and artistic depictions vary. A good movie or novel provides the same enjoyment and emotional attachment in substantially less time and with no likelihood of carpal tunnel. Argue the point all you like, but everything comes down to the breasts.
The people responsible for Idols Galore! seem to have forgotten that initially, then remembered only once it was too late. The story begins slowly, with the introduction of the protagonist. His name is Kuro Miyabi, and his job is to turn bad business investments into a sure thing. A few minutes in, you’ll find his latest mission, which is to keep a few troublesome “idols” (if the term throws you, think of Jessica Simpson, Britney Spears or even Paris Hilton) from leaving one company in favor of the other. He will do this by having sex with them. First, though, you’ll have to sit through a bunch of boring text and a few options that simply let you pick which girl you wish to pursue (then you won’t make any choices at all for the last few hours, just click the left mouse button a billion times).
The text-heavy problems Kuro face begin and end with a woman named Yumiko Akane. She was once a famous idol, but has now assumed a managerial role. The girls she took under her wing trust her, and she is suspicious of Kuro’s motives the minute he and his lovely assistant arrive on the scene. This is the game’s excuse to make you work for your nudity. Aside from an encounter with a business partner early on, you won’t see so much as a single nipple for the first two hours or so. There will be some near misses and a lot of tedium (you get to read about a lot of photo shoots that you won’t ever actually see), but no skin.
Then, quite suddenly and also improbably, Kuro decides to have sex with his assistant (whom he has been neglecting). This triggers a series of sexual encounters that occur almost non-stop for the next hour or so, until the game ends. So, to recap: you start playing and see almost nothing, get really bored, then get a mind-numbing rush of nudity toward the end that almost takes away any of the enjoyment. Sound good?
Even if it does, there are a few wrinkles that further taint the experience. I know you probably don’t want to think much about the plot or how realistic it is when you’re playing a hentai game, but the plot for Idols Galore! is often so boring that you’ll have no other choice. Once logic started flooding my brain, it wouldn’t stop.
Consider Kuro. He’s your normal, featureless protagonist with longish hair and a tendency to be horny and forthcoming. Okay, that’s fine. But his justification for his actions is pretty stupid, and it’s crammed down your throat as if it’s perfectly normal. The most obvious example is the way he views women. The game fairly makes the point that women should not be considered objects. One ‘villain’ refers to them as meat and offers to arrange sex with them as part of a business proposition. At this late stage in the game, Kuro is repulsed that a man could be so evil (his rage at the notion consumes him to such a degree that he even smashes a desk into pieces), even though he forced himself upon each of them earlier in the game!
Naturally, that was different. When he forced them out of their shirts and massaged their panties while they begged him not to do so, he was just releasing their repressed love for him. It wasn’t wrong, because that’s what the plot demanded. By the end of the game, when the victim of your choice is begging Kuro for sex and thanking him when he gives her the treat that is his penis, all is right with the world.
Ugh. Gag me with a frying pan!
This sort of contradiction is evident in just about any hentai game you might wish to name, but here it was especially disturbing. No, the scenes in Idols Galore! aren’t repulsive compared to what else the genre offers. They’re actually quite bland and, as I mentioned, their frequency diminishes their effectiveness. That’s the problem, though. By forcing so much skin upon you after delaying the moment for so long, the game makes everything seem dull. By the end, I was practically groaning every time I saw another shot of a nipple or vaginal region, even though they are drawn quite nicely.
Obviously, that’s a unique reaction that no hentai game should ever produce from a horny gamer. I didn’t really think I’d be so disappointed by Idols Galore! when I looked at the cover art. The girls looked pretty sexy, and I knew I’d get to see them naked. It sounded like a winning proposition to me! Unfortunately, this is one of those games that doesn’t do enough things right to remain engaging. If I want to read about boring photo shoots for a few hours, I’ll pick up--no, screw that. I’ll stay as far away from it as possible. Who wouldn’t?
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Staff review by Jason Venter  (January 01, 2006)
Jason Venter has been playing games for 30 years, since discovering the Apple IIe version of Mario Bros. in his elementary school days. Now he writes about them, here at HonestGamers and also at other sites that agree to pay him for his words. |
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