Lagoon (SNES) review"It’s a shame that the soundtrack is so damn rare or I’d strongly recommend just forgetting the game entirely and enjoying the fantastic score instead." |
Much like its sorry lineup of fans, this game suffers from a serious lack of length.
That’s not to imply that it demonstrates any brevity; lord no, it certainly manages to drag on for an eternity. I’m actually referring to our rotund excuse for a hero and his pitiful excuse for a sword. In fact if you’re even passably familiar with Lagoon then you already know that my using the term “sword” is a filthy lie. It’s actually a dinky little knife that suddenly flashes out a centimeter away from his body to give the odd uninspired monster a quick nick.
Well . . . provided that the beast in question is standing about one pixel away from him, anyway. This thing couldn’t cut through warm butter – which, judging by our hero’s physique, must render him inconsolable.
Because Lagoon doesn’t merely arm you with a double-edged toothpick – it’s incredibly slow, too! Nasir (said rotund excuse) waddles across the land at a snail’s pace as if he were physically weighed down by the sheer crappiness of his “adventure.” And his generic story, as told through painfully crawling text boxes, is little more than a skeletal outline with virtually nothing of interest occurring for three quarters of the game until at last you rush through some annoying boss encounters and the (thankfully) final conclusion. Assuming, of course, that you were somehow enough of a masochist to keep going that long.
For as empty as slogging through its story development may be, even ten minutes of the action feel like ten too many thanks to its patented combination of moronic AI and random hit detection. Picture a group of monsters that wander around aimlessly until you come into range, which attracts one of them towards you like a magnet until making contact with your gleaming knife. Er, sword. The monster is then repelled a few steps back with a hearty “PING!” only to subsequently resume its mindless approach forward in a dubious march to the death!
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Staff review by Sho (July 09, 2005)
Sho enjoys classic video games, black comedy, and poking people until they explode -- figuratively or otherwise. He also writes a bit. |
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