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Miss World '96 Nude (Arcade) review"When this game isn’t sucking away your hard-earned money, it’s making you jump through hoops like a fool just to see a bit of thigh – just like a real woman!
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An assemblage of bikini-clad women leer at you suggestively from the title screen, silently teasing you to unload that quarter of yours into the coin box’s narrow slit. “Let’s play,” they coo upon accepting George Washington’s head; only too happy to oblige, you eagerly select the region of the globe where you will, as the game promises, “MEET MANY HOT BEAUTIFUL GIRL.” Barely able to control your burgeoning excitement, you settle on one of the available lovelies and prepare yourself for the forthcoming titillation!
But what’s this? There aren’t any girls (let alone hot beautiful ones) to be found here, merely a glowing silhouette set against a plain background! That’s right, Miss World ’96 Nude is in fact a blatant rip-off of the deathless coin-op “classic” Qix – for those of you who are even now furrowing your brows in puzzlement, this means that you are to reveal bits and pieces of the photo. How? By cutting out sections of the screen using a cursor that resembles an unusually randy Pac-Man. Simply depart from the edge of the screen, a glowing lifeline trailing behind, and move about (even diagonally; take that Qix fanboys – all three of you!) until you touch another edge, the enclosed space filling in to reveal the hopefully naughty bits laying beneath. Reveal 80% of the silhouette and victory will be yours, allowing you to see everything – however, you’ll want to avoid putting your mouth on something big and hairy . . .
. . . a giant tarantula!
Yes indeed, a bulbous and malevolent-looking spider hungrily scuttles about the screen looking to sink its venomous fangs into your lusty little man. Allow this ravenous entity to touch you – or your lifeline – and you can kiss one of your three lives goodbye. Depending on the woman, you may instead find yourself attempting to elude the clutches of a slimy green alien whose supple tentacles shoot across the screen before vanishing or what appears to be a sinister satellite that fires a volley of ricocheting stars. Ah, and you'll have to beat a pretty short time limit as well. That's right, when this game isn’t sucking away your hard-earned money it’s making you jump through hoops like a fool just to see a bit of thigh – just like a real woman!
Maybe you’re hoping for a quick score? Woe unto you! For this is a game that punishes haste in the cruelest of ways; observe the seemingly innocuous meter at the top of the screen with its red squares on the left and several in blue on the right. Greedily devouring a large portion of the glowing silhouette to reveal an expansive display of tawny womanflesh will also cause that meter to inch its way towards the left. This is . . . not a good thing. The decidedly non-sexy background portions, however, work in your favor, much like the plain looking girl that one cozies up with in order to snag her hot (and intellectually vacuous) friend; swallowing up these areas will swing it back towards the right or even serve as a buffer to cancel out any penalties should you consume both at once. Question blocks also dot the screen; consuming their regions will either raise or lower the meter, a risky proposition! Thus you should instead reveal tiny snippets of the women at a time and remain within the safety of the blue, your randy antics accompanied by various orgasmic moans and bawdy pleas to “keep it up . . .” And should the pointer ever move completely to the right it will mean an instant victory, the picture uncovering itself in all its nekkid glory to a triumphant fanfare!
. . . but contrary to the game’s earlier assertion, these hot beautiful girls are in actuality quite repellent. Oh sure, they might be considered passably attractive to some – provided that they swoon for bleached skankasauruses who contort their aging bodies into odd positions for the camera, their shorn genitals often pressed uncomfortably close against the screen – but hardly worth the effort. Can anything daring to call itself “Miss World ‘96 Nude” truly be so forgettable? Unless . . . well, suppose that we were to allow that nondescript meter to enter the red . . .
T U R N I N G !
Suddenly the formerly sultry scene erupts into one of abject horror, the picture instantly morphing into a pair of sallow-faced corpses whose puckered, grafted skin is cruelly pierced by bloody needles even as their mouths hang open to exude broken teeth and voiceless screams! Or perhaps you’ll be one of the lucky ones and merely find yourself staring at Freddy Krueger’s burn-ravaged features replete with tiny parasitic heads oozing forth from his putrid skin while the game erupts into maniacal high-pitched laughter . . . as well as pulsating eurodance beats!
As the game revels in its sudden mood swing and throatily demands that “EVERYBODY MOVE THE BODY!”, it’s important to remember that beauty is only skin deep . . . and that these gore-drenched demonic entities could quite possibly have simply wonderful personalities . . . and that you SHOULD UNCOVER THE BACKGROUND! SEND IT BACK TO HELL! WAAAH! Revealing 80% of the reshaped silhouette or allowing the meter to hit rock bottom will only result in the game taking a moment to cackle wildly before forcing you to start the picture again, but coerce the meter back into the blue (through much border munching) and the scene will return to that of a normal woman as if nothing had happened – other than the newfound sensation of a warm liquid running down the leg of your trousers, I mean.
Thus what might have seemed a fairly generic clone of a puzzle game was revealed to be a seemingly endless parade of explicit content – the wrong kind of explicit content. But even so: thank you, faceless designers of Miss World ’96 Nude – thank you for your spuriously obtained gameplay, your bi-polar balancing act between “pornography” and “necromancy.” Thank you for your HOT BEAUTIFUL GIRL tastefully displayed with all the subtlety of a knee to the groin; after all, what isn’t an improvement after witnessing a troupe of screaming corpses? But most of all, thank you, good sirs, for imparting to us a pair of very important life lessons:
Lesson Number One: Attempting to weasel into a woman’s pants too quickly will often cause her to become a ghastly beast straight from the depths of Gehenna.
Lesson Number Two: The living dead are hella sexy.
Rating:
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Staff review by Sho (July 12, 2004)
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