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Ring Out (PC) artwork

Ring Out (PC) review

"Even by the torturous standards of most pervoramas, RingOut is about as erotic as a doorstop. Not a particularly attractive doorstop, mind you, but a plain old wooden one. With a rusty nail sticking out of it."

I’m certainly no expert when it comes to terrible Japanese porn games; if it’s quality critiques of SMUT, SMUT, SMUT you crave then you should probably turn to my shifty associates Zigfried and Johnny Cairo, both of whom have earned their Masters in this masturbatory medium. But if the unusually tolerable True Love is the (comparatively) beautiful swan which takes flight from the depths of a polluted pond, this would be the equivalent of that fat, profusely sweaty middle-aged businessman who’s hiding in your closet over there waiting for you to fall asleep.

“Oh, hey.”

What I’m trying to say is that even by the torturous standards of most pervoramas, Ring Out is about as erotic as a doorstop. Not a particularly attractive doorstop, mind you, but a plain old wooden one. With a rusty nail sticking out of it.

In fact, let me save you some time and summarize the game more or less in its entirety right here: “OHNO I’M A VIRGIN STOP NO NO NO WELL MAYBE OK SURE JUST TAKE ME YOU GREAT BIG SEXY AMAZON YOU!” Those of you who stubbornly press on anyway will just have to assume the role of Aya, a mild-mannered high school student who has to assume a number of uncomfortable looking positions when she’s carted away from her debt-ridden parents and forced into the moronic world of . . . Pro-Lesring.


Aya is quickly stripped of her modest school uniform (along with her dignity, something which I’m sure we can all relate to) and thrust into steel cage deathmatches with improbably bosomed, leather & lace lovers like WILDCAT HOMMA and QUEEN MIKA, who subsequently stomp the shit out of her. Sometimes literally.

Oh, JOY.

Then she gets ravished by spectating women and men alike as per the rules, and it’s really “sexy.” The “best” part, of course, is watching Aya’s half-hearted protests steadily fall to the wayside as she comes to enjoy being brutally forced into hot hot sapphic orgies. Yes, the designers certainly tapped into the mysterious female psyche for this one!

Sadly they also tapped into the oblivious gameplay that’s your average Japanese adventure’s stock in trade: randomly pawing at the list of “choices” over and over until the game grudgingly “rewards” you with the next scene of abject horror. It’s remarkable how Aya can hold in those raging climaxes until after she’s finished musing over the newfound sensation of a dildo in her ass while repeatedly examining and conversing with her penetrating partner.

Naturally these sordid escapades always lead to the same conclusion, with the exception of exactly three instances in which you can “try to fight it off” (poorly) or “just go for it” to determine which of the three equally asinine “happy” endings you’ll get saddled with. As an added bonus, every thirty seconds the game kicks you to a black screen to inquire whether you want to resume, save, or quit. To my everlasting grief, I continued to hit “resume” so that you wouldn’t have to.

While this is going on you’ll be treated to a wretched script in which half the text is devoted solely to describing how our protagonist can’t believe she’s snogging (yes, “snogging”) a lesbian, how she’s such a dirty little slut who’s let the sisterhood down – but keep rubbing there, it’s like she’s on fire – or that she doesn’t really want Mika to dip her probing tongue in the honey pot while Homma gives her a sting from behind, but it just feels so good! Yeah, you’ve just got to love that oh-so realistic “thank you for raping me” motif.

And just to whip your brain into a quivering gelatinous state that much faster, the other half of the text consists of ridiculous sound effects: “SLUP SLUP SLUP GWEE SHLUP SPOOT UNH BONK DROOL SLURP OOOH AHN WANK ITAIME SQUISH SPOOT ZUUN ZUUN GUSH WAAAAAHHH CLANK POW MOO.”

(Un?)fortunately this is all simply displayed as rows of text; the only actual audio selections in the game are typically blaring Annoying AdLib MIDIs. My . . . “review copy” . . . doesn’t have any voice acting and I have no clue if it’s supposed to, so obviously I can’t comment on that particular aspect. Actually, having played a lot of early PC CD-ROM games I’m kind of relieved that there aren’t any voices, even in the original Japanese. Especially in the original Japanese. I can picture it now:

"Okay, in this scene you're a squealing piece of jailbait being violated in several tender orifices, and you gradually begin to enjoy it."
"What's my motivation?"
"Your paycheck."

That said I might have awarded this game an extra five-tenths of a point had the sinister Man In Black, Aya’s pimp, spoken with a bitchy lisp.

Now my attitude thus far has admittedly been pretty dismissive, so I certainly wouldn’t blame you for incorrectly assuming that I have nothing positive to say about this game at all. That’s just not true! There is indeed a shining ray of light that you can look forward to, one single redeeming feature that’s easily the highlight of the entire experience:

RingOut is ten minutes long.

So just ignore that heavy breathing coming from the closet. Trust me, you don’t want to look.

sho's avatar
Staff review by Sho (July 06, 2004)

Sho enjoys classic video games, black comedy, and poking people until they explode -- figuratively or otherwise. He also writes a bit.

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