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Pokemon Snap (Nintendo 64) review"My first foray into Pokemon Snap was intended as a stepping stone, a mere platform into the more fruitful pastime of photographing naked ladies. The Rasputin-like fellow who was to be my boss assured me as he handed over the sticky cartridge ''There's no better practice than snapping pictures of fuzzy, strange looking little things.'' My, how we laughed. I relished the feeling, for my mission was indeed a serious one, and there could be no laughter. " |
My first foray into Pokemon Snap was intended as a stepping stone, a mere platform into the more fruitful pastime of photographing naked ladies. The Rasputin-like fellow who was to be my boss assured me as he handed over the sticky cartridge ''There's no better practice than snapping pictures of fuzzy, strange looking little things.'' My, how we laughed. I relished the feeling, for my mission was indeed a serious one, and there could be no laughter.
My quest for pokemon pictures began on a sandy, tropical beach. So confident was I, and so full of lust, that only one of my hands rested on the controller. Professor Oak had flat out told me ''I know you'll do well'', so how could I fail? My buggy set off on its predetermined journey, I sat comfortably on its leather interior, ready to spring into action. Tense seconds passed, I gripped my joystick a little tighter for comfort. Success would be...
BAM!
A flock of Pidgey burst in from side screen, screeching and flapping their wings like mad. I aim wildly, blinded by a line of perspiration that has trickled into my eyes. I've barely had time to snap two shots before a Dodrio, obviously startled by my flailing limbs, streaks across my path and over the dunes to my right. The beach environment is wide and empty, and I easily capture the squawking creature on film. ''Victory is mine!'' I shout, drawing a few odd looks, before noticing the triumphant Lapras, Butterfree and Pikachu specimens slowly ebbing away over the countryside. So upset was I at this gross oversight that I take no more pictures. The evidence of Kangaskhan and Snorlax infestation that Professor Oak and I so sorely needed went uncaptured, and I was transported back to the lab a whimpering mess.
The next step was to show the Professor just what I had shot. The Pidgey photographs were an indecipherable blur of feathers and my left thumb, a monumental disaster. Surely my Dodrio pictures would prove more of a success. ''You blithering idiot!'' screamed the professor, directing a slap across my sullen cheeks. ''This is useless to me! You shot the pokemon from behind!'' I was sent straight back to the beach, and told to lift my game.
Yes, dear reader, Pokemon Snap had not turned out to be the cakewalk that I had envisaged. The beach was just the beginning of my woes. There were 5 other stages to worry about, a dossier of 63 different beasts to amass, and a cranky professor judging me every step I took. Graciously, I was provided with apples, disintegrating pester balls, and a jolly pokemon flute to bring the cheeriest poses out of my furry foes, but the Professor's appetite for good photographs was never quite satisfied.
''Too small!''
''Wrong angle!''
''Asleep!''
These were some of the complaints I received making love. I'm also quite sure that Professor Oak may have used similar phrases to critique my work. It was tough enough, surviving the natural pitfalls of each stage - steering through boiling hot lava and rapid rivers - without having to worry about whether a floating sack of gas with eyes drawn on was facing me or not. But I was not going to give up, not with a very naked cherry waiting for me at the end of my quest. I persisted, slowly deducing the hidden meanings of the rustling grass, the ferocious whirlpool and a very conveniently placed Electrode. Slowly the secrets of Pokemon Island wafted into my ears, and slowly it was that I captured the natural beauty of these creatures. And then it hit me. Cruising again along the beachfront, searching for the elusive gust attack of the Pidgey, I suddenly realised...I was in love.
The pokemon, with their charms, comical dances, and eponymous vocabularies had wormed their way into my heart. I suddenly found that I had no need for my life of old. I didn't want to trade my Charmanders and Dittos in for a bevy of beautiful girls, I couldn't! I WAS a pokemon photographer, and to be anything but a pokemon photographer would be robbing myself of the richness of life. I was consumed by the game, stubble grew on my face and hardened, and I took to wearing khakis around the house, jumping around corners with my old instamatic screaming ''GOT YOU MUK!'' Life was good.
Naturally, it upset me no end when Rasputin barged in, taking away my game and giving me my stupid new job. I never did get to play Pokemon Snap again, but it lives on perpetually in my memory. The simply gorgeous, carefree environment of the pokemon is one that I wouldn't have traded for anything. I was forced to, and my life has never been the same since.
The girls just don't react the right way when I throw apples at them.
Rating:
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Community review by kingbroccoli (April 25, 2004)
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