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Ka-Ge-Ki: Fists of Steel review

Game: Ka-Ge-Ki: Fists of Steel
Platform: Genesis
Genre: Fighting Action (Versus)
Developer: Kaneko
AKA: Ka Ge Ki (JP)

Reader review by siegfried

January 09, 2004

In reality, Ka Ge Ki got all the attention it now has when Hangedman, a reviewing buddy, got the idea of asking everyone to review the game. And thus did some reviewers who obviously had time and money to spare.

I however do not belong to this category of Ka Ge Ki-haters. I bought the game a long time ago, played it, put it aside, played it, put it aside…You get it, right?…Ka Ge Ki doesn't have a 2-player option, but my friend and I would nevertheless take turns at beating each level until one of us handled the final level and beat the crap out of the last boss with a ravaging blow to the crotch. Then, I put the game aside for a long while once I discovered the Captain Tsubasa series.

However, the other day, I don't really know what quite came over me, but I decided to play Ka Ge Ki again. As my alter ego punched in thin air and danced around like an idiot, I felt myself metamorphosing. It was like…Whoahh!! And then, the ****ing room started spinning. And my friend came in; he was like, ''Yo! Yo! Sieg! Sieg! You puttin' up with that **** again?'' But I couldn't even clearly see him. He started to look like a monster. Then, I started laughing and threw up all over the ****ing floor.

It's crazy.

These are the effects of playing through Ka Ge Ki.

No kidding.

Ka Ge Ki, as a brawler, takes the usual story, but tweaks it in a hilarious way. An easy-going chick has been kidnapped, only this time she is being held captive on the last floor of a nine-story decrepit building. The protagonist, who doesn't even bother to tell us his name, just happens to know how to fight. So he does exactly what Haggar did when a criminal syndicate kidnapped his daughter; he takes things into his own hands. However, unlike Haggar who got two bums to accompany him, our big-headed protagonist marches alone, confident he has what it takes to beat 9 bosses, and a flurry of incapable minions.

''Big-headed?''

Indeed. Consider this Ka Ge Ki's main feature, just behind its hilarious game engine. The characters all have unusually big heads over similarly over-sized or under-sized (depending on the boss) bodies. The only exception to this is the poor panic-stricken girl, who nevertheless compensates with a huge butt that would make J Lo cringe with jealousy. If you manage to beat the game, you'll be able to certify this fact yourself, as you get to watch the ending where the lead keeps patting his lover's butt while all the bosses lie in a crumpled mess to the left.

HOW STRANGELY EROTIC!

Now, I don't really understand the significance of these big heads. It all boils down to two solutions; 1) someone at Sage's Creation (the company behind Ka Ge Ki, if you couldn't figure that out) is a big fan of the artist formerly known as Prince, or 2) they used this to hide the game's ultimate lack of depth.

I'll err towards the second solution, which brings me to talk of the game play (or lack of). Your statuesque fighter has two attacks: jab and straight. Jab is the one you'll use to quickly dispose of the normal scum preceding the level bosses. Simply mash the button to beat them to a bloody pulp. Of course, you should still be weary of all the times your fists will pass through the opponents without doing anything. That's a thing which happens a lot on Ka Ge Ki, and if you are not prepared for such a thing, you shouldn't play the game.

Thankfully, there's also the stronger attack, which has a lag and recovery that give you enough time to gulp a can of Coke and smoke a Marlboro before it effectively connects. Only two of those are enough to take care of the green-haired morons and their friends. Against the bosses, you'll need to punch more times, but the straight attacks are your only bet in these situations. Now, I'm not trying to say that this game is challenging. The game seems hard at first, but you'll rapidly notice an eerie facet of the game.

You see, the game is programmed such that the two characters, while they can freely roam around on the 'battlefield', must always face each other. As one character decides to dance to the edge of the screen, the other one automatically turns around to respect this feature of the game. And there's nothing you can do about it. The mere action of one bloody fool turning around takes way too much time, and you'll also get the opportunity to stare at some of the ugliest graphics each time this happens.

Fortunately (or unfortunately), this feature also suffices to remove any challenge previously found in Ka Ge Ki. With proper motions and positioning, you can cause your adversary to directly walk into your attacks. Time each straight properly and you'll win without letting your opponent touch you at least once. Hell, you don't even need to employ such cheap tactics (which is actually fair retaliation in a game of this ilk, where the hit detection is very buggy) against the normal opponents. Just stand there and mash the jab button; the idiot will walk in it and hit the floor before you know what's going on.

The bosses also like to lie down whenever they're hit. And man, do they ever take time to get up again. Unluckily, your own character too likes to do that. When hit, he'll wiggle on the ground while making ugly gimmicks just like all the bosses. If you sent one of them down on the carpet, your character prances about while a crowd goes, ''Uuuuhhhh'' and a naïve girl pitches in with an arrogant, ''He's not bad…'' And meanwhile, you can snooze off while waiting for the boss to at least get his stinking ass of the floor. Rather, rinse, repeat. One word: boring!

Also, since your character is in a trance whenever the bosses are mopping the floor and escapes your control, you'll learn to loathe those instants. This is a pity, as all this time could have been spent marveling at the complete uselessness of the invincible jumps, and the utter idiocy of the crouching positions. Hardcore stuff!

When a boss is defeated, the ultimate bad guy comes in and throws him down the manhole decorating each floor. Now, what other game lets you drool at a manhole on the eighth floor of a building?

As far as the bosses are concerned, they certainly look as different as night and day and each will drop in with this totally awesome entrance. Then, you'll get to know them slightly better. The sixth level boss, a big-headed guy proudly bearing a goofy mustache, will turn green after taking a certain number of hits. Incredible, I just killed the Hulk. On the other hand, you may feel some pity for the ensuing boss who blatantly suffers from Parkinson, as his hand keeps trembling no matter what. But this first perception will more likely turn into outrageous aggressiveness as you find out it's a sham. Indeed, this particular behavior only serves the purpose of allowing him to put more strength into his amazing punches.

Thankfully, a crowd that will go as far as throwing items into the 'ring' to aid him constantly cheers the protagonist on. Of course, it baffles me how there could be a group of on-lookers in a building, but many points are left unanswered in Ka Ge Ki. Anyway, there's the burger that will restore some of your health, and there's the can that will restore a whole lot of it. Since your fighter can apparently eat canned food without using a can opener, I'll assume he's Popeye. This would explain the big hands, but still not the head.

ONE MYSTERY SOLVED!!

I'm too tired to ramble on about this game; it's not worth it.

Ka Ge Ki is a poor excuse for a game. The game engine is flawed, cheap and incomprehensible. Still, the graphics are not really that bad. The colors are dull and the characters horribly animated, but the backgrounds are certainly detailed. They're not very realistic, but who cares?

As for the sound, ''Uuuuhhhh''.

I'll give you a hint: Whether you are TUFF ENUFF, don't bother about this game. Although you do need to be TUFF to enjoy this game, I now shout, ''ENUFF'' to it and its incontrollable big-headed warriors.

Rating: 2/10

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