Kwirk (Game Boy) review "In Heinz-sight, playing this was probably not the best way to ketchup with my old Game Boy. "

I'm going to Hell for that tagline, aren't I?

My earliest memories of Kwirk don't originate from the Game Boy cart. No, they come from a television show entitled “Video Power,” which featured an animated segment that aped the more successful “Captain N: The Game Master.” Both “Captain N” and this segment (called “The Power Team”) concerned teenage video game nerds teaming up with heroes from their favorite titles, except that “The Power Team” had to settle for a B-level group: Max Force from NARC, Kuros from Wizards & Warriors, the monster truck Bigfoot from his similarly titled game, Tyrone from Arch Rivals, and the anthropomorphic tomato named Kwirk. The entourage would help teen protagonist Johnny Arcade foil the plans of video game villains, usually either Mr. Big from NARC or Kuros' archnemesis Malkil.

I'll tell you, the show worked wonders as a marketing tool. I wanted to play most of these games for years after watching it, thinking they would be bangers like the ones featured in “Captain N.” The series' title segment led me to believe that not only was Kwirk an awesome game, but that it was a top-down adventure title available on NES. The show's intro showed Johnny guiding Kwirk through a maze on a fully colorized TV screen, the presentation of which seemed to mirror The Legend of Zelda.

Unfortunately, cold reality hit me after my brother successfully scored the cartridge. To my surprise, it only played on Game Boy (although a Famicom Disk System version did release in Japan, which is likely what was shown on “Video Power”). Worse than that, it featured very minimal adventure elements. In fact, it dwelt in the puzzle genre.

...as a series of tedious push-block puzzles.

There can be no mistaking it: these shows crept into existence with the same goal in mind as cartoons like “Transformers” or “He-Man and the Masters of the Universe.” They primarily existed to sell products. While the previously mentioned programs advertised action figures and various other merchandise, “Video Power” wanted to get you to buy video games. And in this case, they hooked you into their world so you could scream at your parents for some fairly lousy carts. Hell, in my case, it worked. This show convinced my brother and I to hunt down a mediocre puzzler, thinking there was no way a sassy tomato who has a Mohawk and wears sunglasses could pop up in a boring game.

We were wrong...

I'm not going to dramatically downplay push-block puzzles like they're the worst subgenre or mechanic the category has to offer. That dishonor belongs to sliding tile puzzles. However, push-block fare often proves dull just the same. Hell, the only effective games that could arguably fall into that classification tend to utilize other concepts than simply dragging bricks around a room. Sadly, that's all you do in Kwirk: you enter a chamber, blocks stand in your way, you shove them in various directions to get them out of path, you exit.

As expected, the game's difficulty rating ramps up as you advance. Additional blocks pile up between you and the egress, as well as a few other obstacles. Pits stymie travel until you've pushed a slab into them to serve as newly formed part of the floor. Oddly shaped turnstiles also crop up, which impede blocks and prevent you from advancing in certain directions. Obviously, you'll paint yourself into a corner frequently, using the reset function to begin anew so you can experiment with different routes and strategies.

Other stages also involve switching between characters, from Kwirk to some of this friends like Eddie Eggplant or Pete the Pepper. While this might seem like an advantage, the truth is their presence is more of a constraint because you must get all humanoid veggies through the exit in order to complete the challenge. Half the time, you can get one or two to the staircase, but at the cost of blocking a third or fourth one in. So you retry numerous times and pull your hair out until you've bumped enough obstructions out of your way, or until boredome-inspired exhaustion finally takes its grip and you fall asleep with your portable on your chest...

And that's really about it. Yeah, the game is challenging, but it's no less tiresome and bland. You push blocks, you groan, you yawn, you turn your Game Boy off. Indie games over the years have shown that simplicity is not in and of itself a flaw. Plenty of straightforward titles have offered exciting campaigns filled with twitchy moments and problem solving. Kwirk is simply not one of these titles mostly because it lacks variety and any sort of excitement or charm. Yes, even its cheerful BGMs lose their flavor after a while, accentuating the game's repetition. I don't know that I can further illustrate just how banal this title is...

So yeah, “The Power Team” worked a treat, just like all of those other cartoons used to sell toys in the '80s. This one managed to take a slew of games that either aged poorly or were never that great to begin with and peddle them to kids who otherwise wouldn't give them a second glance. To no one's surprise, Kwirk eventually faded into obscurity because even effective press has its limits. There are scores of other puzzlers from bygone eras you can play that offer drastically more imaginative, engaging, and delightful content than this one. Sadly, those titles never received the level of advertisement that our tomato friend did, but then again, they didn't need it as badly as Kwirk did...

Staff review by Joseph Shaffer (June 13, 2023) Rumor has it that Joe is not actually a man, but a machine that likes video games, horror movies, and long walks on the beach. His/Its first contribution to HonestGamers was a review of Breath of Fire III.