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Bloody Boobs (PC) artwork

Bloody Boobs (PC) review

"A bloody shame."

In before someone says -- "duh, why even review this, haven't you heard of porn? OMG 0/5" -- because there is a market for well made games-cum-boob spectacles. Just ask Team Ninja, whose Dead or Alive 5 game exists in several iterations, each with a mindboggling number of costume packs and seasons passes on offer. The problem for Bloody Boobs is that the formula is fun game + boobs = success, and they've skipped the "fun" part. Hell, they've barely qualified with the "game" part.

To the shortest review I've ever written then: First, we pick our heroine. You can change her boob size, skin colour, hair colour, boob size, face type, hairstyle and boob size. Because nothing else matters here. Right away, we encounter issues with even saving our newly created character. We soldier on. And hit a load screen filled with glistening cleavage and an hourglass wedged between. Clever, right? Minutes later, you might still be entranced by this load screen -- it's not always painfully slow, but it usually is.

Bloody Boobs (PC) image

Finally! It's game time. We're treated to a third person perspective so we get to thrill to some minor ass jiggle as we move our avatar about. Ironically, given our viewpoint, we see precious little of the bloody boobs that were to be the star attraction. Anyway, the goal is to find and kneel before four massive phallic altars. If we're successful, a portal will open up that we can jog into to beat the game. That's about the size of it. A successful run will probably take all of ten minutes to accomplish.

But let's not conflate 'short' with 'easy' or 'smooth'. Even if you have killer specs on your PC, Bloody Boobs might barely run. And going to the options menu to tweak for performance, will likely not affect performance. But let's just say you're one of the lucky ones, and the game is running syrupy smooth. Clearly, the game designer's efforts were solely focused on creating a hot 3D model (and wooden face aside, he succeeded), as everything else looks to be the afterthought it probably was.

Bloody Boobs (PC) image

The monster models are funny looking, not scary. When they 'get you,' there's a seemingly innocuous touching of characters, Kung Fu-style, and the screen runs red -- there's no animation to speak of for attacker or victim. The frantic music played when an enemy spots you grates on the nerves almost immediately. The same-looking crypt environs do well to get you lost, so gameplay is reduced to you running around fairly aimlessly, hoping to find altars and avoid monsters with everything left to chance and a different layout each time while the off-putting tune swells and recedes comically in the background. You can't defend yourself, save for laying down mines (yup, mines) in the path of monsters while taking care not to trip them yourself.

Bloody Boobs is a shameful cash grab. Clearly the developer had things backwards from the start: Where Dead or Alive entries are fighting games with hot girls, I'm fairly certain Bloody Boobs started off as a hot girl model, and then someone thought, Hey let's have her run from monsters or something, and make a game of it! Yuck.


Masters's avatar
Staff review by Marc Golding (March 23, 2017)

There was a bio here once. It's gone now.

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Nightfire posted March 23, 2017:

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Masters posted March 23, 2017:

It's not my fault.
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honestgamer posted March 23, 2017:

I saw this game on the store when it first arrived, and I thought to myself that maybe I would be justified in spending some money on it. I'm glad I didn't. Your review was a pleasure to read, and you've convinced me (someone who is generally in favor of video game sexuality done well) that the game is terrible. I probably got more out of reading the review than I ever would from playing the game. But I guess we'll never know, because if I had money to spare on budget Steam games now, your text has guaranteed that Bloody Boobs would rank very low on the list.
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EmP posted March 23, 2017:

I was expecting the Silent Hill of fan service.

I am heartbroken.
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wolfqueen001 posted March 23, 2017:

Haha. Awesome review. Certainly much more entertaining than the game sounds. It is a shame, though. The game could have had huge promise as a campy B-Movie themed game.
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jerec posted March 23, 2017:

Interesting comeback.
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Masters posted March 27, 2017:

Thanks, Jason, WQ. And don't call it a comeback!
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EmP posted March 27, 2017:

...but you've not been here for years!
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qxz posted March 28, 2017:

Um... yeah.

Let me see if I comprehend correctly: If Little Miss Bouncy stumbles upon an enemy creature and there are no attack animations for the heroine or the monsters... that leads me to believe that there's no actual bloodshed in the game. If that's the case, maybe this software -- not "game", as this review suggests -- should have simply been titled Boobs.
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Nightfire posted March 28, 2017:

That reminds me of something...

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