January 23, 2007

Another January comes about, meaning my birthday. January 24th is the usual day of festivity, but it being the day before, I don't feel all that festive. I only have a bit of school, but no work. I get a bunch of money from my family and a wonderful meal from my mother. So what could possibly be wrong?

It might be that I am about to endure a year of being the most useless age ever. 19. It's like being a sophmore in high school again.

Or perhaps I'm subconciously seeing this as the first few weeks of the rest of my life. I'm not 18 anymore. With my getting older every day and still not being able to support myself, perhaps I'm seeing this all as a huge failure on my part. My sister moved out quickly enough, why won't I? Of course, she had a well-paying job and a truck that didn't need $60 to fill up.

Then again, I feel as if I've been waiting for something. Something to present itself in my lap. I keep thinking it might be the opportunity that has arisen with "Divinity", but I'm not so sure anymore. With each passing day, it feels more like a fuzzy daydream than a goal now. Maybe I should hurry and finish my presentation before the feeling is completely gone?

I've never been one to "take charge of my life" or to take the initiative. I've always waited for someone else to start and then I would follow. Most of the time, someone has to motivate me or drag me into something for me to actually do it. Maybe this is my problem? But how to fix it? Maybe when I finally finish the presentation to Tokyopop, and they accept, I'll get enough motivation to actually pull my huge ass off the couch and do something.

It's especially bad when all that energy and potential builds up over time and I have a "spree". That's when I go crazy and clean everything in sight. I haven't had one since the summer of last year, but still, I can feel the energy rebuilding inside, that restlessness. I hate it. Getting a job and school eradicated the main bulk of it, but now its reconvening, like that guy from Terminator 2.

Oh dear... I hope that I don't suddenly go Emo.


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honestgamer honestgamer - January 23, 2007 (02:43 PM)
What's this about Tokyopop? They know you exist and they're interested in a proposal?

As for the rest of what you said, sometimes life just goes along and you roll with the punches until better things come along. You're at the same age right now where I was when I lived life that way, and look at me now!

Er, don't look at me now. Look at me in five years. Great things are coming, I swear!
silverishness silverishness - January 23, 2007 (03:53 PM)
Ha ha ha. Well, you're more successful than I am right now.

Naw, Tokyopop's not saying anything... probably 'cause I haven't sent anything in. :D I was just saying it hypothetically. Sorry for the confusion.

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