Ghosts 'n Goblins (NES)
Arthur: By my faith, this evening chill doth nip at my beard, reduce my muscular bare chest to a frightful pallor, and make mine underthings sway in the darkened breeze!
Prin Prin: Aye, but mayhaps yonder hearts dost illuminate the gloom and set aglow the fires of my bosom . . .
Arthur: (knowingly) O spiteful boxers! It now appears that they too deign to chafe!
Final Fantasy VIII (PlayStation)
Prepare yourselves, my friends.
Yes, prepare yourselves for a poignant epic unlike any you’ve ever experienced before, a timeless saga that shamelessly gobbles up four black discs for its beautiful messages of life and love. That’s right, I’m not ashamed to admit that the moving story of FINAL FANTASY VIII often causes me to sit down and ponder the meaning of human existence. That’s when I turn to my woman and, being the glorious paragon of masculinity that I am, casually announce, “Let’s make love.” Naturally she replies “okay,” because she is easy. Of course, we can’t all be as dapper and debonair as yours truly, but if you consider yourself a sensitive (yet strong!) man of the 21st century then you’d better start grabbing the Kleenex now. Why, you dare ask? Because in the spirit of such enduring “tear”-jerkers as Chain and SplatterHouse comes this touching journey – the journey of a woman with the emotional range of an eight year old who nobly attempts to snatch a sexually confused ladyboy out from his flamboyantly gay lifestyle and bring him back to the straight side!
Dance Aerobics (NES)
We all need to keep ourselves fit, because you just never know when you’re suddenly going to find yourself surrounded by evil ninjas. Unsurprisingly, this has never been more true than back in the eighties. When they weren’t preoccupied with kidnapping the president, oriental assassins could be found on practically every street corner – brazenly slashing apart lanterns in broad daylight, tearing up the hot asphalt with their furious breakdancing, or enjoying a relaxing nine holes of golf right in the middle of commuting traffic – rather than skulking about in the shadows as they do today. Thus the most honorable suits at Nintendo had to come up with some way to keep their flabby, lazy, and chronically uncoordinated user base from becoming shuriken-bait, or else risk losing all their profits. But how, these svelte salesman pondered over their seaweed salads, might they accomplish this with an audience known to violently shrink away from team sports and fresh air? And then it hit them with all the force of whirling nunchaku – the perfect solution to this quandary: Dance Aerobics.
Today it’s lost to obscurity, but HELLRAISER was perhaps the most ambitious project for the Nintendo Entertainment System ever conceived! The brainchild of longtime unlicensed developer Color Dreams, it was designed to employ a super special SECRET STEALTH cartridge so laden with extra chips that it would effectively pump the NES’ might up to the level of a 16-bit system. Then they cancelled it and started releasing games for Jesus instead. But this innovative concept nevertheless makes for a game that – assuming you can overlook the fact that it would have cost a small fortune and was therefore killed off before reaching even the prototype stage – is sure to please.
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|lasthero - October 24, 2005 (05:48 PM)
You scare me.