Review Archives (Staff Reviews)

You are currently looking through staff reviews for games that are available on every platform the site currently covers. Below, you will find reviews written by all eligible authors and sorted according to date of submission, with the newest content displaying first. As many as 20 results will display per page. If you would like to try a search with different parameters, specify them below and submit a new search.

Available Reviews
	Tetris review (GB) Reviewed on January 21, 2004 To summarize the Tetris experience is to quote Maynard James Keenan of the great rock band Tool -- as I am often wont to do: I know the pieces fit!
	Sexy Parodius review (SAT) Reviewed on January 16, 2004 The "bad" endings for each level are very bad. While a good ending might reveal a picture of sexy women in suggestive poses, the "YOU SUCK!" ending might show your character crying or, even worse, a 70-year-old hag in the nude. GROSS! That's certainly powerful motivation to practice hard and improve your character's techniques.
	Earnest Evans review (SCD) Reviewed on January 16, 2004 Vampire bats EXPLODE in waves of blue. Giant naked earthworms stroke the hero to death. Priests hurl Kris daggers across the screen, ceremonial knives whose length put even Shaq to shame. The designers even incorporated the best part of Gradius — that's right, there are MOAI HEADS in this game!
	Lords of Thunder review (SCD) Reviewed on January 16, 2004 With stylish (if less-than-stellar) graphics, solid and smooth gameplay, variety within each level, and throngs of demonic enemies, Lords of Thunder stands tall as one of The Great Shooters. Definitely worth owning.
	Super Castlevania IV review (SNES) Reviewed on January 16, 2004 The game exhibits useless imagination from the very beginning, with two-tiered levels (walk through a gate and traverse the background — pass back through the gate and you're in the foreground again) and new enemies such as a skeletal knight riding atop a skeletal horse. This cart's got some serious style. Too bad it's so damn ugly.
	Final Zone II review (TGCD) Reviewed on January 16, 2004 The hilariously incomprehensible cinematics and the ill-fitting CD music bring the game down. Yes, thanks to the extra space afforded by the CD medium, this game is actually worse than if it had been a TurboChip! Pulling off such a feat is truly revolutionary.
	Gate of Thunder review (TGCD) Reviewed on January 16, 2004 From the beginning assault upon a planet-hovering dreadnought to the final encounter in the depths of the beautiful Dark City, Gate of Thunder exhibits stylish intensity, intelligence of design, and a well-rounded sense of quality.
	Blazing Lazers review (TG16) Reviewed on January 16, 2004 This particular game falls firmly into the "overhead space shooter" genre, and smooth control combined with a fairly intriguing powerup system set it firmly at the top of the heap. It was the fastest shooter — vertical or horizontal — that the world had seen to that point, trouncing even Thunder Force 2 on the "superior" Genesis system.
	The Legendary Axe review (TG16) Reviewed on January 16, 2004 Since just walking through a jungle, cavern, or castle wouldn't be nearly exciting enough, Gogan found himself an axe. A REALLY BIG axe. He can't throw it like Simon Belmont, he can't use it as a boomerang (Lycos of Shape Shifter), and he can't summon magical thunderstorms from it (Gilius of Golden Axe). But Gogan can SWING that axe!
	Golden Axe review (GEN) Reviewed on January 14, 2004 It seems as if some nefarious evildoing knave by the name of Death Adder (how corny is THAT name) has stolen a Golden Axe. The Golden Axe isn't a weapon you get to use or anything, it's just the sacred artifact that needs rescuing, in place of your girlfriend or sensei. As such, it's rather difficult to care about your quest. I mean, if my girl was kidnapped, I'd be quite riled up and ready to choke a few throats, but the disappearance of a kitchen knife or toolshed mainstay doesn't get me going.
	Gaiares review (GEN) Reviewed on January 14, 2004 I have seen evidence of reviews, ‘professional’ or otherwise, where the reviewer seems not to have been able to get into the belly of the game, and writes of early passages in an attempt to skirt the issue of his superficial foray. It probably works, because many fans who own the game haven’t seen the horizons beyond level four either.
	Alone in the Dark 2 review (PC) Reviewed on January 14, 2004 AITD2’s Carnby is the hardest individual you’ll come across. He’ll fight off ghouls, ghosts, and pirates dressed as gangsters (stop hunting for a typo, it’s true) with Tommy guns, a derringer, a sword stick, frying pan, battledore or his bare hands. Consider his attitude: he knows going in that there will be thugs everywhere on the property, to thwart his rescue attempt. But he still chooses to bring only his trusty six-shot revolver, and nothing else! No ammunition for it, save what is in the chamber. Yes indeed, Edward Carnby is as tough as they come, and that means you had better be as well.
	Alone in the Dark review (PC) Reviewed on January 14, 2004 AITD is far more fun to play than the flashy and fleshy games it has spawned over the years. The Resident Evils, the Silent Hills, and even the new incarnation of Carnby's adventures, all fall short of the fun and fear factors that the original manages to evoke.
	System Shock 2 review (PC) Reviewed on January 14, 2004 In System Shock 2, an alien intelligence-cum-virus known as Xerxes, begins to mutate your human comrades aboard the ship, the Von Braun, attempting to degrade them into pawns of the growing alien consciousness known as The Many. You will be met with force by aberrant versions of former friends (from shotgun wielding males to laser firing females), robots, giant spiders, and the truly gruesome organic abominations of The Many that appear at the game's awe-inspiring culmination.
	Noctropolis review (PC) Reviewed on January 14, 2004 Let me help you out. If you're checking this game out for the adult/sex factor, don't even bother. Succubus shows us nothing, and Stiletto shows us her breasts for like, two seconds. They're a rather nice set, granted, but you'd be better staying up and watching Porkys, or Fast Times at Ridgemont High for this kind of one-handed material. At least Fast Times had Phoebe Cates. And you can't beat Phoebe Cates for old time gratuitous nudity.
	Rise of the Triad: Dark War review (PC) Reviewed on January 14, 2004 Much of RotT isn't very memorable or special, which is something a game like this needs to be distinctive in a crowded FPS market, both at the time of its release, AND now. Fat monks and good graphics from far and close up graphics that are far from good isn't quite enough. Thankfully, there are great moments that help raise this game above the level of mediocrity, if only slightly. Well, only one great moment, really.
	Jill of the Jungle review (PC) Reviewed on January 14, 2004 Our protagonist, Jill, is an Amazon woman-type (girl power!), clad in a skimpy green outfit (guy power!). She's blonde (naturally) and brawny, and depending on what you choose to do with her, brainy as well. She can jump, climb ladders and vines, and can fling knives and spinning blades should she be so lucky to find them and so equip herself. But wait. Keep that quickening pulse in check!
	Hocus Pocus Episode 1: Time Tripping review (PC) Reviewed on January 14, 2004 The Land of Lattice is overseen by the Council of Wizards, a ruling body with great power and prestige, which you'd like to be part of one day. Fueling your resolve to this end is the matter of Popopa. That's your girlfriend (as if you didn't know!), and you'd like to marry her (Hocus! I implore you to reconsider! Why risk having your powers split down the middle when things inevitably go wrong!).
	Dark Ages Episode 1: Prince of Destiny review (PC) Reviewed on January 14, 2004 It will help if you’re already a fan of side-scrolling adventure games. If you can’t do without your Rastan, or your Legendary Axe, you will already be predisposed to having some fun with this little game. Your character is nameless, presumably so that you can think of him as yourself. Perhaps they should have left the bad guy nameless as well—his name is Garth. I doubt they were going for ''Garth Brooks''—maybe ''Garth Vader.''
	Commander Keen Episode I: Marooned on Mars review (PC) Reviewed on January 14, 2004 Billy Blaze is eight years old. And he's a genius. He's constructed what he calls a 'beans and bacon' spacecraft from miscellaneous slop he unearthed around his parents' house. When he dons his big brother's yellow football helmet and carries along with him his trusty pogo-stick, we know it is nighttime (got to make sure the folks are asleep, after all), and that he's heading to outer space. We know he is blazing trails of interstellar discovery and aggressive peacekeeping endeavors. We know he has become... Commander Keen!

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