Review Archives (Staff Reviews)

You are currently looking through staff reviews for games that are available on every platform the site currently covers. Below, you will find reviews written by all eligible authors and sorted according to date of submission, with the newest content displaying first. As many as 20 results will display per page. If you would like to try a search with different parameters, specify them below and submit a new search.

Available Reviews
	El Viento review (GEN) Reviewed on July 19, 2004 If you're not hooked by the time of the epic confrontation high atop the spires of the Empire State Building then you've surely mislaid your enthusiasm for 2D Blast Processing goodness somewhere along the way.
	Splatterhouse review (TG16) Reviewed on July 19, 2004 While there’s certainly plenty of carnage to be found, unfortunately the arcade faithful will discover this SplatterHouse to be a shadow of its parent.
	Clock Tower review (PSX) Reviewed on July 16, 2004 Of course, graphic adventures don’t boast a murderer who randomly pops out of lockers, down chimneys, and from other seemingly innocuous places looking to decorate the walls with fresh entrails.
	Michael Jackson's Moonwalker review (ARC) Reviewed on July 16, 2004 Hey there all you sweet little boys and girls, I hope you’re ready for something really . . . special. How would you like to go on a totally magical journey of action and discovery with your super big brother, the vaguely glistening King of Pop – MICHAEL JACKSON???
	Ghosts 'n Goblins review (ARC) Reviewed on July 16, 2004 Ghosts ‘n Goblins takes the concept of respectable difficulty well past the point of merely "hard" and leaves it somewhere in the realm of "utterly ridiculous."
	Ghostbusters review (NES) Reviewed on July 16, 2004 Everyone knows that video games based on popular licenses are usually lackluster and best forgotten, but the NES port of Ghostbusters cleverly avoids sinking into that trap – no, it bravely charts a course towards its disastrous new low thanks to a triple threat of mind-numbing repetition, frequently nonexistent controls, and abysmal level design!
	Castlevania review (NES) Reviewed on July 15, 2004 Who can forget listening to the seminal tune “Vampire Killer” as one tread beneath the tattered red curtains and moldering walls of the first stage, whipping down groups of ghouls clad in ragged shrouds, and avoiding the panthers who would suddenly spring to their feet and lunge after us? Simon may not have a face, but he certainly has an atmospheric environment to blindly stumble about in.
	Jungle Fever/Knight on the Town review (A2600) Reviewed on July 15, 2004 Knight on the Town is both excessively short and excessively pointless, its graphics laughable and its eroticism humiliatingly poor. In other words, a quintessential example of Atari pornography.
	Chiller review (ARC) Reviewed on July 15, 2004 Chiller has carved a raw slice of infamy for itself thanks to a gruesomely graphic horror theme; the gore splatters freely as evil dead and innocent humans alike fall into the line of our crosshairs and prepare to meet their respective makers! And what better place to start our adventure than a nice, wholesome torture chamber complete with practically nude men and women writhing in torment?
	Miss World '96 Nude review (ARC) Reviewed on July 12, 2004 What might have seemed like a generic clone of a puzzle game is revealed to be an unforgettable night of explicit content – the wrong kind of explicit content.
	Advanced Dungeons & Dragons: Pool of Radiance review (NES) Reviewed on July 12, 2004 Pool of Radiance not only manages to deftly avoid the poison spike-lined pits of suckery, but has the further audacity to send us on a stunningly deep quest that’s full of brilliant combat and actually faithful to its source material!
	Advanced Dungeons & Dragons: Hillsfar review (NES) Reviewed on July 12, 2004 It certainly doesn’t skimp on the seemingly endless parade of fetch quests (“retrieve this rare spell component for me,” “rescue the princess,” “find my pantaloons,” etc) that lead you to seek out a dreary maze somewhere and open every treasure chest in sight until you discover some halfhearted clue . . . that sends you off looking for another dreary maze.
	Nightshade review (PS2) Reviewed on July 08, 2004 Think how fun it would feel to ride along trucks moving down a freeway, slashing at ninjas and running along the sides of the vehicles before leaping to another as the previous one bursts into flames behind you. Better yet, envision the crumbling remains of a massive suspension bridge, filled with gaps and flying enemies you must leapfrog across in order to survive. The game is filled with moments like this, and more. Often, they’re every bit as thrilling as they sound.
	Ring Out review (PC) Reviewed on July 06, 2004 Even by the torturous standards of most pervoramas, RingOut is about as erotic as a doorstop. Not a particularly attractive doorstop, mind you, but a plain old wooden one. With a rusty nail sticking out of it.
	Tsuki ~Possession~ review (PC) Reviewed on July 03, 2004 The artwork is amateurish, the music is forgettable, and the plot is stupid. The game is filled with misogyny, degradation, cruelty, humiliation, and outright gruesomeness.
	Firepower 2000 review (SNES) Reviewed on June 23, 2004 Enemy vehicles often take the form of stationary turrets that have no trouble firing in all sorts of directions, but there also are tanks that may roll in from any side of the screen, swarming units of helicopters, or machines hiding beneath foliage to the side of the screen. The Jeep can obviously adapt so that it fires diagonally and is out of the range of most shots, but the helicopter is going to have to dodge like crazy if it’s to survive long enough to pepper the screen with shots of its own.
	Autobahn review (APP2) Reviewed on June 14, 2004 The goal is to drive down the Autobahn, that famous French freeway with no speed limit and people who like to drive as fast as their cars will move. Other than yourself, though, there aren’t a lot of people who have the sort of engine to take advantage of the environment. So you take it upon yourself to weave through traffic like a soccer mom on the way to the game in her husband’s SUV. Aside from a few minor details, I’ve just described the whole game.
	Shinobi III: Return of the Ninja Master review (GEN) Reviewed on June 04, 2004 With Shinobi III, a new evil has reared its head, demanding of Joe more side-scrolling, projectile-hurling escapades! You and Joe both reminisce, silently cognizant of the style and thunder of his previous path to bloody revenge (forget the offbeat Shadow Dancer for the moment). The Revenge of Shinobi in fact, was the game that cemented his status as hero extraordinaire. That mission had been diabolical in its conception, and his response to its dangers was legendary. Would this latest challenge prove as worthy? Would he?
	Bug Attack review (APP2) Reviewed on May 30, 2004 Most everyone is out to get him. The few that aren’t spend their time cowering in the face of insect-shaped aliens that have made the realm their own. These fearsome foes come in one of three shapes: ants, caterpillars and butterflies. Each of them are capable of dropping knives the size of their own bodies, and the screen is often filled with waves of metal weapons you must dodge while you return pathetic pellets of your own.
	Sesame Street: 123 review (NES) Reviewed on May 29, 2004 None of this is rocket science, and none of it is meant to be. The concern I have is that even the most ‘difficult’ of these can be completed with enough guesses. Completed games don't necessarily mean your kids have learned a single thing. I don’t really see how this could be a solid educational tool, and it’s definitely not fun. Even small children will get sick of it within a few minutes.

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