Review Archives (Staff Reviews)

You are currently looking through staff reviews for games that are available on every platform the site currently covers. Below, you will find reviews written by all eligible authors and sorted according to date of submission, with the newest content displaying first. As many as 20 results will display per page. If you would like to try a search with different parameters, specify them below and submit a new search.

Available Reviews
	Jungle Fever/Knight on the Town review (A2600) Reviewed on July 15, 2004 Knight on the Town is both excessively short and excessively pointless, its graphics laughable and its eroticism humiliatingly poor. In other words, a quintessential example of Atari pornography.
	Chiller review (ARC) Reviewed on July 15, 2004 Chiller has carved a raw slice of infamy for itself thanks to a gruesomely graphic horror theme; the gore splatters freely as evil dead and innocent humans alike fall into the line of our crosshairs and prepare to meet their respective makers! And what better place to start our adventure than a nice, wholesome torture chamber complete with practically nude men and women writhing in torment?
	Miss World '96 Nude review (ARC) Reviewed on July 12, 2004 What might have seemed like a generic clone of a puzzle game is revealed to be an unforgettable night of explicit content – the wrong kind of explicit content.
	Advanced Dungeons & Dragons: Pool of Radiance review (NES) Reviewed on July 12, 2004 Pool of Radiance not only manages to deftly avoid the poison spike-lined pits of suckery, but has the further audacity to send us on a stunningly deep quest that’s full of brilliant combat and actually faithful to its source material!
	Advanced Dungeons & Dragons: Hillsfar review (NES) Reviewed on July 12, 2004 It certainly doesn’t skimp on the seemingly endless parade of fetch quests (“retrieve this rare spell component for me,” “rescue the princess,” “find my pantaloons,” etc) that lead you to seek out a dreary maze somewhere and open every treasure chest in sight until you discover some halfhearted clue . . . that sends you off looking for another dreary maze.
	Nightshade review (PS2) Reviewed on July 08, 2004 Think how fun it would feel to ride along trucks moving down a freeway, slashing at ninjas and running along the sides of the vehicles before leaping to another as the previous one bursts into flames behind you. Better yet, envision the crumbling remains of a massive suspension bridge, filled with gaps and flying enemies you must leapfrog across in order to survive. The game is filled with moments like this, and more. Often, they’re every bit as thrilling as they sound.
	Ring Out review (PC) Reviewed on July 06, 2004 Even by the torturous standards of most pervoramas, RingOut is about as erotic as a doorstop. Not a particularly attractive doorstop, mind you, but a plain old wooden one. With a rusty nail sticking out of it.
	Tsuki ~Possession~ review (PC) Reviewed on July 03, 2004 The artwork is amateurish, the music is forgettable, and the plot is stupid. The game is filled with misogyny, degradation, cruelty, humiliation, and outright gruesomeness.
	Firepower 2000 review (SNES) Reviewed on June 23, 2004 Enemy vehicles often take the form of stationary turrets that have no trouble firing in all sorts of directions, but there also are tanks that may roll in from any side of the screen, swarming units of helicopters, or machines hiding beneath foliage to the side of the screen. The Jeep can obviously adapt so that it fires diagonally and is out of the range of most shots, but the helicopter is going to have to dodge like crazy if it’s to survive long enough to pepper the screen with shots of its own.
	Autobahn review (APP2) Reviewed on June 14, 2004 The goal is to drive down the Autobahn, that famous French freeway with no speed limit and people who like to drive as fast as their cars will move. Other than yourself, though, there aren’t a lot of people who have the sort of engine to take advantage of the environment. So you take it upon yourself to weave through traffic like a soccer mom on the way to the game in her husband’s SUV. Aside from a few minor details, I’ve just described the whole game.
	Shinobi III: Return of the Ninja Master review (GEN) Reviewed on June 04, 2004 With Shinobi III, a new evil has reared its head, demanding of Joe more side-scrolling, projectile-hurling escapades! You and Joe both reminisce, silently cognizant of the style and thunder of his previous path to bloody revenge (forget the offbeat Shadow Dancer for the moment). The Revenge of Shinobi in fact, was the game that cemented his status as hero extraordinaire. That mission had been diabolical in its conception, and his response to its dangers was legendary. Would this latest challenge prove as worthy? Would he?
	Bug Attack review (APP2) Reviewed on May 30, 2004 Most everyone is out to get him. The few that aren’t spend their time cowering in the face of insect-shaped aliens that have made the realm their own. These fearsome foes come in one of three shapes: ants, caterpillars and butterflies. Each of them are capable of dropping knives the size of their own bodies, and the screen is often filled with waves of metal weapons you must dodge while you return pathetic pellets of your own.
	Sesame Street: 123 review (NES) Reviewed on May 29, 2004 None of this is rocket science, and none of it is meant to be. The concern I have is that even the most ‘difficult’ of these can be completed with enough guesses. Completed games don't necessarily mean your kids have learned a single thing. I don’t really see how this could be a solid educational tool, and it’s definitely not fun. Even small children will get sick of it within a few minutes.
	Devil May Cry 2 review (PS2) Reviewed on May 25, 2004 Any time I found someone that offered a vague sign of a challenge, I'd just back away, jump into the air and start firing rounds of ammo like they were going out of style. My opponents would then lazily meander toward me, at which point I'd retreat to the next safe vantage point and unload another clip on them. This cowardly strategy works surprisingly well on most of your opponents, many bosses included.
	Disgaea: Hour of Darkness review (PS2) Reviewed on May 24, 2004 Disgaea belongs firmly in the first camp of superior tactical roleplaying games, although it should be noted that it’s hanging by its fingernails off the edge of the cliff. The requisite tactical gameplay needs some tweaks, but this is balanced by the charm that the characters of Disgaea possess.
	Tetris review (NES) Reviewed on May 22, 2004 While the colors continued changing, I noticed something else rather distressing, though. The more lines I cleared, the faster things got. Pretty soon blocks were flying all over the place and it was simply more than I could do to keep up. I started screaming at the television and my daughter--bless her soul--came into the room to make sure I wasn't having a stroke. The screen filled up about that time and I was told my game was over.
	Rollerblade Racer review (NES) Reviewed on May 15, 2004 So you're racing like your pants are on fire, you have no idea what's up ahead, and it's probably going to trip you up and leave you in a heap on the street. As a matter of fact, the best strategy seems to hang around near the middle of the screen, flying forward as quickly as you can, mashing the 'A' button repeatedly so that even if you land on the edge of a dangerous object, you'll be airborne again before the game realizes what just happened.
	Milon's Secret Castle review (NES) Reviewed on May 12, 2004 The world of Milon's Secret Castle is filled with ledges, long jumps, and elemental hazards that will make short work of your energy gauge. And thanks to the lack of invulnerability I already mentioned, it's possible to bump against a single enemy and find most of your life vanished before you've moved away. Do that often at all and it's game over. Everything you've done will be lost and you'll have to start over.
	The Rocketeer review (NES) Reviewed on May 12, 2004 Watching Cliff plod through a stage wouldn't be a problem, for example, if the stage were interesting instead of a void of color and personality. Repeating a stage after smashing your toe in a gear wouldn't be quite so bad if you knew the poorly-timed jump was your fault. And so it goes, with each problem compounding the next.
	Gunstar Heroes review (GEN) Reviewed on May 03, 2004 The light tone really is impossible to ignore. It hits you across the face the minute you plug in the title, then turns gracefully on one heel like a figure skater before nailing you in the crotch with another well-timed blow. Visuals are extremely cartoony, and often looked to me like the love child of an affair shared by Street Fighter 2 and The Powerpuff Girls.

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