Review Archives (Staff Reviews)

You are currently looking through staff reviews for games that are available on every platform the site currently covers. Below, you will find reviews written by all eligible authors and sorted according to date of submission, with the newest content displaying first. As many as 20 results will display per page. If you would like to try a search with different parameters, specify them below and submit a new search.

Available Reviews
	Viper review (APP2) Reviewed on July 27, 2004 Honestly, the only reason to keep playing is for that next high score (which you can thankfully save to disc). There’s just nothing else to motivate you, since the best part of the graphical presentation is the title screen, and since sound is limited mostly to the ‘beeeoooooop!’ sound you’ll hear when you smash into yourself after a chain of mini-feasts.
	Gate of Thunder review (TGCD) Reviewed on July 25, 2004 Gate relentlessly rocks hard and intense, whether it's level one's appropriate 'let's get it on' tone, or level two's melancholy 'this could get sticky' tune, or level seven's 'you know what must be done' closing track. Never before have I been so into a shooter, and perfect weapon system and engaging enemies aside, the music lends the greatest hand to selling me on this purest excitement. Pure, because there is no nostalgia at work (the game is wholly new to me), no feelings of collector's pride (I bought it manual-less and case-less), no feelings of being on the cutting edge (it's a decade old). The exhilaration is as genuine as it gets.
	Street Fighter review (ARC) Reviewed on July 21, 2004 "YOOVE GAHT AH ROHT TOO RAHN BEFOH YOO BEET MEE, TOORIGH AGAAYN KEED (heh heh heh hahahahaha)"
	Double Dragon review (A2600) Reviewed on July 21, 2004 You’ve got to give Activision credit for ignoring both the hardware’s obvious limitations and a dose of common sense to throw caution to the wind and attempt it anyway. Pity that you can’t give them credit for the game itself.
	Friday the 13th review (NES) Reviewed on July 21, 2004 The NES adaptation of Friday the 13th takes this laughably awful (and sometimes merely “awful”) saga full of campy dialogue, bloody hatchets and lacy perfumed underthings, only to cast them aside in favor of an awkward mix of action and strategy.
	El Viento review (GEN) Reviewed on July 19, 2004 If you're not hooked by the time of the epic confrontation high atop the spires of the Empire State Building then you've surely mislaid your enthusiasm for 2D Blast Processing goodness somewhere along the way.
	Splatterhouse review (TG16) Reviewed on July 19, 2004 While there’s certainly plenty of carnage to be found, unfortunately the arcade faithful will discover this SplatterHouse to be a shadow of its parent.
	Clock Tower review (PSX) Reviewed on July 16, 2004 Of course, graphic adventures don’t boast a murderer who randomly pops out of lockers, down chimneys, and from other seemingly innocuous places looking to decorate the walls with fresh entrails.
	Michael Jackson's Moonwalker review (ARC) Reviewed on July 16, 2004 Hey there all you sweet little boys and girls, I hope you’re ready for something really . . . special. How would you like to go on a totally magical journey of action and discovery with your super big brother, the vaguely glistening King of Pop – MICHAEL JACKSON???
	Ghosts 'n Goblins review (ARC) Reviewed on July 16, 2004 Ghosts ‘n Goblins takes the concept of respectable difficulty well past the point of merely "hard" and leaves it somewhere in the realm of "utterly ridiculous."
	Ghostbusters review (NES) Reviewed on July 16, 2004 Everyone knows that video games based on popular licenses are usually lackluster and best forgotten, but the NES port of Ghostbusters cleverly avoids sinking into that trap – no, it bravely charts a course towards its disastrous new low thanks to a triple threat of mind-numbing repetition, frequently nonexistent controls, and abysmal level design!
	Castlevania review (NES) Reviewed on July 15, 2004 Who can forget listening to the seminal tune “Vampire Killer” as one tread beneath the tattered red curtains and moldering walls of the first stage, whipping down groups of ghouls clad in ragged shrouds, and avoiding the panthers who would suddenly spring to their feet and lunge after us? Simon may not have a face, but he certainly has an atmospheric environment to blindly stumble about in.
	Jungle Fever/Knight on the Town review (A2600) Reviewed on July 15, 2004 Knight on the Town is both excessively short and excessively pointless, its graphics laughable and its eroticism humiliatingly poor. In other words, a quintessential example of Atari pornography.
	Chiller review (ARC) Reviewed on July 15, 2004 Chiller has carved a raw slice of infamy for itself thanks to a gruesomely graphic horror theme; the gore splatters freely as evil dead and innocent humans alike fall into the line of our crosshairs and prepare to meet their respective makers! And what better place to start our adventure than a nice, wholesome torture chamber complete with practically nude men and women writhing in torment?
	Miss World '96 Nude review (ARC) Reviewed on July 12, 2004 What might have seemed like a generic clone of a puzzle game is revealed to be an unforgettable night of explicit content – the wrong kind of explicit content.
	Advanced Dungeons & Dragons: Pool of Radiance review (NES) Reviewed on July 12, 2004 Pool of Radiance not only manages to deftly avoid the poison spike-lined pits of suckery, but has the further audacity to send us on a stunningly deep quest that’s full of brilliant combat and actually faithful to its source material!
	Advanced Dungeons & Dragons: Hillsfar review (NES) Reviewed on July 12, 2004 It certainly doesn’t skimp on the seemingly endless parade of fetch quests (“retrieve this rare spell component for me,” “rescue the princess,” “find my pantaloons,” etc) that lead you to seek out a dreary maze somewhere and open every treasure chest in sight until you discover some halfhearted clue . . . that sends you off looking for another dreary maze.
	Nightshade review (PS2) Reviewed on July 08, 2004 Think how fun it would feel to ride along trucks moving down a freeway, slashing at ninjas and running along the sides of the vehicles before leaping to another as the previous one bursts into flames behind you. Better yet, envision the crumbling remains of a massive suspension bridge, filled with gaps and flying enemies you must leapfrog across in order to survive. The game is filled with moments like this, and more. Often, they’re every bit as thrilling as they sound.
	Ring Out review (PC) Reviewed on July 06, 2004 Even by the torturous standards of most pervoramas, RingOut is about as erotic as a doorstop. Not a particularly attractive doorstop, mind you, but a plain old wooden one. With a rusty nail sticking out of it.
	Tsuki ~Possession~ review (PC) Reviewed on July 03, 2004 The artwork is amateurish, the music is forgettable, and the plot is stupid. The game is filled with misogyny, degradation, cruelty, humiliation, and outright gruesomeness.

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