Review Archives (Staff Reviews)

You are currently looking through staff reviews for games that are available on every platform the site currently covers. Below, you will find reviews written by all eligible authors and sorted according to date of submission, with the newest content displaying first. As many as 20 results will display per page. If you would like to try a search with different parameters, specify them below and submit a new search.

Available Reviews
	International Track & Field review (GBC) Reviewed on March 22, 2005 As if that weren’t enough, you're faced with computer opposition that you simply won't catch. Even in practise mode, your competitors will be running circles round you, making your meagre efforts look akin to those of an athletically-challenged gopher.
	Pac-Pix review (DS) Reviewed on March 22, 2005 Pac-Pix is gameplay in its most pure of forms. A simple, expressive challenge that hides its hidden depth under a welcoming exterior of warm nostalgia and high tech cool. The graphics while simplistic are mostly a product of your own hand, a personal montage of Pac designs proving to be as endearing as any Namco may have produced.
	Mecarobot Golf review (SNES) Reviewed on March 21, 2005 There are some games where, when you buy 'em, you know they're going to be bad. Mecarobot Golf for the SNES is one of those. I knew I was buying a clunker, but I expected to get at least a dash of fun for my $2.99. I was wrong.
	Rival Turf! review (SNES) Reviewed on March 19, 2005 The music is muffled, the graphics are blurry, and the animation is just awful. The action starts out on the streets of L.A. with Oozie murdering packs of identical masked Mexican wrestlers (they must be part of the Villano family). I don't care how manly the concept of powerbombing scrawny gang members is — with its three frames, this just looks BAD.
	Advanced Dungeons & Dragons: Heroes of the Lance review (NES) Reviewed on March 19, 2005 You might have hoped that this game gets its dismal reputation because of poor graphics, the complexities of the AD&D rules, or something equally asinine. Hope is the denial of reality.
	Contra review (NES) Reviewed on March 19, 2005 Contra’s weapons don’t blow their loads in retarded, premature fashion as is the case with other games in the genre. These weapons kill hard and die harder. The Laser rips through anything in its path, the Machine gun eats up alien troops like Fruit Loops, to say nothing of the Spread. The Spread? you query, clearly curious. The spread cuts swaths through hopeless, hapless oncomers.
	The Sagara Family review (PC) Reviewed on March 19, 2005 Learning about each of the Sagara women really does become an enticing mystery, made all the sweeter by the occasional chance to fool around with one under the sheets, or on the couch in the front room, or in the bathtub. Even after you’ve finished one trip through, it can be fun and rewarding to play through again (and again) because just a simple choice here or there can affect so much.
	Metal Slug Advance review (GBA) Reviewed on March 19, 2005 MSA's primary flaw is that it's conspicuously devoid of the heroic intensity that stirred fans of the original so. On a mechanical level, it's visibly Metal Slug; your pistol-packing grenade-lobbing hero storms through the side-scrolling levels in the expected fashion, terminating the screaming infantrymen and adorable artillery with regulatory-extreme levels of prejudice. And yet the battles utterly fail to excite. What's to blame?
	Hitomi: My Stepsister review (PC) Reviewed on March 17, 2005 And so it is that I should discuss the sex scenes. After all, they’re your reward for playing. You’re certainly not working at the project to increase your reflexes. And because it’s impossible to not finish the game (the most taxing project is to decide which of the two options will lead to the sex scene you most want or haven’t seen before), the only satisfaction comes from the nudity.
	Last Battle review (GEN) Reviewed on March 17, 2005 Aarzak is the confident sort of lone wolf hero, but not from bullheaded arrogance. Rather, he knows that he will win. How could he possibly know this? Because, before the game begins, Sega scrolls the entire plot — beginning, middle, and end! — across the screen. Because of Sega's omniscient benevolence, our mighty hero will never be caught unawares in his battle against the Tyrannical Triumvirate of G!
	X-COM: UFO Defense review (PC) Reviewed on March 17, 2005 The forever-set benchmark of Turn Based Strategy
	Need for Speed Underground: Rivals review (PSP) Reviewed on March 15, 2005 Such feelings of lost opportunity don't stop there, though admittedly the worst is now behind us. Charging forward we look to the career modes, hoping to find a reason that justifies this charade. And in a way, this is where Rivals actually manages to surpass Ridge Racers, not in the short term rush but in the long, drawn out haul.
	Sega Ages: Golden Axe review (PS2) Reviewed on March 15, 2005 Although this new 3D Tyris isn't drawn quite as sexily as she used to be, the characters all looked attractive... until I saw them up close during their really lame magic spell sequences. As the camera zoomed in, I could see how few polygons were actually used to create the Amazon's pointy face. From then on, the illusion was shattered; even when the camera pulled back out, it was easy to spot the rough edges and graphical flaws because I knew they were there.
	The Revenge of Shinobi review (GEN) Reviewed on March 14, 2005 As I later encountered soldiers in a churning boatyard, soldiers patrolling a mechanical labyrinth, soldiers waiting in a rusty scrapyard, soldiers inside an abandoned factory, soldiers perched outside a shopping center, and soldiers stationed in friggin' highway traffic... well I got pretty freaking sick of SOLDIERS.
	Devil May Cry 3: Dante's Awakening review (PS2) Reviewed on March 14, 2005 The question is however, how hard do you like your action? Do you enjoy a game steeped in technique and loaded with style? And if so, do you want it to kick your arse seven different ways to sunset, only to come back for more once the lights have gone out? If your reply was a confident sounding affirmative then hold on, I'm about to make your day.
	Sega Ages: Space Harrier review (PS2) Reviewed on March 14, 2005 The thing Harrier's got going for it (that even some newer titles lack) is an incredible sense of speed, which picks up even more by the 21st level. The completely redesigned scenery — trees, stone columns, icebergs, and sun-bleached bones — scrolls by at dangerous speeds, and enemies scream by so quickly that you only have a second or two to shoot before they're gone.
	Timeball review (TG16) Reviewed on March 13, 2005 It's not often that a game comes along that alters the fabric of reality. Games that make you look back at the favorites of yesteryear and say "those weren't so special after all". Games that pull you into an orgasm just at the very sight of the decorative cover. Yes, those games are rare indeed.
	Steel Empire review (GEN) Reviewed on March 12, 2005 Blimps aren't the strongest selling point in this day and age, and they weren't a strong selling point back in 1992 either. Perhaps some people might enjoy the idea of gatling-toting, supercharged WWI aircraft flying into orbit and beyond, but the whole notion of sailing a blimp through an asteroid field struck me as being quite silly (and in this game's specific case, dull).
	Thunder Force III review (GEN) Reviewed on March 12, 2005 One level has a famous (and deservedly so) "fire" background, made up of wavey arcs of flame, swirling back and forth as you battle through inconveniently-placed rocky crags. Oddly enough, despite such a memorable background, the scenery is Thunder Force 3's primary graphical weakness. There are a couple levels with neat effects; however, when forced to impress on their own merits, the backgrounds fail. Some of the coloration is horrid — just look at the putrid green slobbery of the woods.
	Alien Hominid review (PS2) Reviewed on March 11, 2005 Yes, this little terror can decapitate America's finest intelligence officers and then pick his teeth. If he's feeling kinder, he can toss a mounted agent instead of getting brains on his wrinkly lips, but then, what's the fun in that?

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