Review Archives (Staff Reviews)

You are currently looking through staff reviews for games that are available on every platform the site currently covers. Below, you will find reviews written by all eligible authors and sorted according to date of submission, with the newest content displaying first. As many as 20 results will display per page. If you would like to try a search with different parameters, specify them below and submit a new search.

Available Reviews
	Pick Me, Honey! review (PC) Reviewed on April 03, 2005 How seriously can you take a game when the most colorful cast member is the protagonist’s testicles? Reiji’s unit displays more emotion than any of the female diversions. It grows angry and rigid, explores moments of honesty, twitches, pulsates and even finds itself surprised by certain circumstances. In contrast, the girls are as one-dimensional as you may imagine.
	Perfect Dark review (N64) Reviewed on April 03, 2005 I'd be remiss if I didn't mention Perfect Dark's wicked multiplayer mode, one packed with enough depth and nuance to make bland crapfests like Timesplitters 2's (admit it, you only liked playing as the monkey) squirm. The design is rad; levels such as the glass-intensive Grid, which features two large rooms connected by an elevator and some tight corridors, never fail to amuse, and the weapons fit just as neatly into this as they do the solo campaign.
	LMA Manager 2004 review (PS2) Reviewed on March 31, 2005 For the rest of you, LMA 2004 can be easily summed up: It's LMA 2003 with cosmetic changes to the gameplay and an updated roster. Just like any annually-released sports game, if you've played one version, you've played them all.
	Meteos review (DS) Reviewed on March 28, 2005 Though the whys and wherefores behind such an oversight may be obvious, it should be noted that in pandering to the portable 5 minute ethos, Meteos' heady mix of brain twisting action has sadly been rendered stilted and neut. It's action best suited to the time between bus stops, anything more and you're schmit out of luck.
	God of War review (PS2) Reviewed on March 27, 2005 When you first meet Ares early in the game, it's pretty daunting. Hundreds of flaming arrows pierce Athen's midnight sky on their hopeless flight to the god's impenetrable skin. Ares' hand-hurled fireballs blast the city walls to bits, sending rubble tumbling recklessly down the Temple's steps. Frightened villagers scurry about in a panic . . . villagers that you can murder.
	Gekibo: Gekisha Boy review (TG16) Reviewed on March 27, 2005 Pernicious pictorials to publicize perverted persons, prose pending.
	Casual Romance Club review (PC) Reviewed on March 26, 2005 Suddenly, it’s not so awesome that you’re given so much freedom, because the way the game is set up makes taking advantage of your options unpractical. More than in any other hentai game I’ve played, earning the nudity becomes a tedious chore. Even worse, you don’t get to see everything. There are mosaic blurs over anything below the waist.
	Cobra Mission review (PC) Reviewed on March 26, 2005 The best part is the combat itself. Instead of merely selecting "Attack", guide the mouse to a certain location on the opponent and ferociously CLICK. Armored guards are vulnerable at the unprotected neck — well-endowed female bodybuilders are resistant to attack at their iron breasts.
	Brothers in Arms: Road to Hill 30 review (XBX) Reviewed on March 22, 2005 Even though most of the game amounts to repeating the same "suppress then flank" tactic over and over, the elaborate environments make each situation feel unique. It really feels like you're being sneaky when you traipse through a creek or dart past the underbrush for a clean shot... and running through an enemy-occupied town while planes crash and explode in the background is spectacular and INTENSE.
	International Track & Field review (GBC) Reviewed on March 22, 2005 As if that weren’t enough, you're faced with computer opposition that you simply won't catch. Even in practise mode, your competitors will be running circles round you, making your meagre efforts look akin to those of an athletically-challenged gopher.
	Pac-Pix review (DS) Reviewed on March 22, 2005 Pac-Pix is gameplay in its most pure of forms. A simple, expressive challenge that hides its hidden depth under a welcoming exterior of warm nostalgia and high tech cool. The graphics while simplistic are mostly a product of your own hand, a personal montage of Pac designs proving to be as endearing as any Namco may have produced.
	Mecarobot Golf review (SNES) Reviewed on March 21, 2005 There are some games where, when you buy 'em, you know they're going to be bad. Mecarobot Golf for the SNES is one of those. I knew I was buying a clunker, but I expected to get at least a dash of fun for my $2.99. I was wrong.
	Rival Turf! review (SNES) Reviewed on March 19, 2005 The music is muffled, the graphics are blurry, and the animation is just awful. The action starts out on the streets of L.A. with Oozie murdering packs of identical masked Mexican wrestlers (they must be part of the Villano family). I don't care how manly the concept of powerbombing scrawny gang members is — with its three frames, this just looks BAD.
	Advanced Dungeons & Dragons: Heroes of the Lance review (NES) Reviewed on March 19, 2005 You might have hoped that this game gets its dismal reputation because of poor graphics, the complexities of the AD&D rules, or something equally asinine. Hope is the denial of reality.
	Contra review (NES) Reviewed on March 19, 2005 Contra’s weapons don’t blow their loads in retarded, premature fashion as is the case with other games in the genre. These weapons kill hard and die harder. The Laser rips through anything in its path, the Machine gun eats up alien troops like Fruit Loops, to say nothing of the Spread. The Spread? you query, clearly curious. The spread cuts swaths through hopeless, hapless oncomers.
	The Sagara Family review (PC) Reviewed on March 19, 2005 Learning about each of the Sagara women really does become an enticing mystery, made all the sweeter by the occasional chance to fool around with one under the sheets, or on the couch in the front room, or in the bathtub. Even after you’ve finished one trip through, it can be fun and rewarding to play through again (and again) because just a simple choice here or there can affect so much.
	Metal Slug Advance review (GBA) Reviewed on March 19, 2005 MSA's primary flaw is that it's conspicuously devoid of the heroic intensity that stirred fans of the original so. On a mechanical level, it's visibly Metal Slug; your pistol-packing grenade-lobbing hero storms through the side-scrolling levels in the expected fashion, terminating the screaming infantrymen and adorable artillery with regulatory-extreme levels of prejudice. And yet the battles utterly fail to excite. What's to blame?
	Hitomi: My Stepsister review (PC) Reviewed on March 17, 2005 And so it is that I should discuss the sex scenes. After all, they’re your reward for playing. You’re certainly not working at the project to increase your reflexes. And because it’s impossible to not finish the game (the most taxing project is to decide which of the two options will lead to the sex scene you most want or haven’t seen before), the only satisfaction comes from the nudity.
	Last Battle review (GEN) Reviewed on March 17, 2005 Aarzak is the confident sort of lone wolf hero, but not from bullheaded arrogance. Rather, he knows that he will win. How could he possibly know this? Because, before the game begins, Sega scrolls the entire plot — beginning, middle, and end! — across the screen. Because of Sega's omniscient benevolence, our mighty hero will never be caught unawares in his battle against the Tyrannical Triumvirate of G!
	X-COM: UFO Defense review (PC) Reviewed on March 17, 2005 The forever-set benchmark of Turn Based Strategy

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